Page 76 of The Mechanics of Lust

I winced at the voice in my head shouting that those things...feelings... between us were already impossibly tangled. It only served to underscore my determination to do what needed to be done to secure my future and get my life back on track.

A life where, as much as it hurt, Luke Nichols had only ever had a walk-on bit-part.

CHAPTERNINETEEN

Three days later

Luke

I setthe skids down gently but left the rotors slowly turning—half of me desperate to turn around and leave as fast as I could, the other half knowing there was no running from this. It was time. Time to stand once again in the icy waters of the Havelock.

The wide river rushed past in a thunderous roar, its interconnected braids dirty brown and choked with water from an overnight storm—a far cry from the crystal clear, gentle flow the last time I’d been there. The day we’d scattered Callie’s ashes. I hadn’t been back since, though I knew Gil and Holden came often. I hadn’t been able to find the courage.

“I’ve landed,” I spoke into the headset as I gazed across the broad sweep of water and stones to the other side.

“Good. Be careful coming back, boyo. Those winds are getting up and it’s apparently lashing down out west.” Gary’s voice fell softly in my ears. “Don’t leave it too long, yeah?”

“I won’t,” I assured him. “And thanks for letting me do this.”

“My pleasure. See you back at the hangar.”

I shut off the engine and climbed out of the cockpit, zipping my jacket against the cold wind that roared down through the gorge from the towering Alps above. Low-hanging cloud cloaked the valley in a dismal grey. I shivered and tugged my beanie over my ears, then picked my way over the stones to the water’s edge where a single boulder sat in the shallows like it was waiting for me.

I removed my socks and shoes and left them safely on a pile of stones, then rolled the legs of my flight suit and jeans to my knees and waded across. The shock of the icy water made me gasp, and bolts of cramping pain shot up my calves. But I kept going, my feet scrambling for purchase in the stiff current and less than stable shingle bed, until finally I reached the boulder and grabbed a seat on top with my legs hanging over the side.

I could’ve been days from civilisation and not just a twenty-minute drive to the homestead on Miller Station. Out here, there was nothing except wilderness as far as the eye could see—a maze of glacial valleys hidden amongst snow-tipped peaks that punched through the slate sky. Treacherous scree slopes tumbled from razorback ridges, down, down to rivers like this, criss-crossing the valley floors like macrame on their passage to the sea. A place where thorny matagouri rubbed shoulders with pillowy soft brown tussock, the odd symbiosis a metaphor for the landscape itself—intimidating yet strangely inviting. And through it all, the unrelenting tread of thousands upon thousands of merinos who called this inhospitable country home.

I reached into my jacket and retrieved Callie’s photo, staring between it and the river, remembering that day and the wrenching pain of watching her ashes tumble and swirl down this mighty river toward the sea. Gil and I stood side by side, a quiet peace between us, the Miller team at our backs.

I remembered the agonising loneliness of watching Holden comforting Gil. Remembered Zach’s expression when I caught him watching and then having him tell me days ago what he’d been thinking and feeling. And I remembered how I’d thought I was coming out of the hole that day, only to realise I’d barely even glimpsed the light from the bottom. That it had taken many more months for that to change.

“So, hey, I’m finally back,” I spoke over the rush of water that churned and waterfalled over rocks and ribs of gravel. “I’m sorry, Callie. I’m so sorry.”

I dropped my voice and stared at the photo in my hand. “I’m sorry that it took me so long to get here.” I ran my finger over her laughing face. “I... I don’t know why it did, but I let you down,” I choked around a sob. “I guess I wasn’t as ready to let you go as I thought, even though it felt like it was time. In lots of ways, I’m still not. Maybe I never will be.”

I rocked back and forward on the cold stone seat. “But I think now that maybe that’s okay. Maybe I don’t have to let you go. Maybe I have to learn how to take you forward with me. You weren’t in those ashes anyway, you never were. Not that it made it any easier.”

The churning current blurred at my feet and I scrubbed the back of my hands over my eyes.

“Zach believes you’re waiting in my future for when I can see past all this stupid guilt, and maybe he’s right. Some days I think I’m almost there. When the first memory of you isn’t of that phone call. Isn’t some imagined snapshot of you in that car. But instead, it’s you waking in the morning, or laughing at me cooking dinner, or the two of us working on your homework, or dancing in the kitchen to Cher. Sometimes when I think about you not coming back, I can’t breathe. My heart stops and going forward feels impossible. And then some days I have to reach to try and remember your voice, and that kills me. I know that’s part of finding a new place for you in my life, but it hurts so much. How can I forget something like that? I’m your Poppa.”

I threw my head back and shouted into the wind. “I’m your Poppa, Callie! You were the best thing to ever happen to me and I miss you so damn much. I’ll always love you. Always.”

I tore my hat off my head and buried my face in it, weeping until there were no tears left. Then I jammed it back in place and took a deep, cleansing breath.

“I love you, Poppa. Forever and always.”

I spun at the words, almost toppling off the boulder as I strained for more, my gaze sweeping over the riverbank. Then it came again, a whip of wind through the chopper blades, a child’s voice in the making. I closed my eyes and tipped my head up to the sky, smiling as the high-pitched hum vibrated through my heart. A trick of the wind that should’ve made me sad but didn’t. Who knew in this strange life.

“I love you too, baby.” I floated the words out across the river and then lifted my phone to my ear and pushed play.

Hi Poppa.

You’ll never guess what happened! Crabby Mr Martin said I gave the best speech out of everyone, and I get to pick the next book for our class read. Daddy said you’ll help me choose. Will you call as soon as you land in Christchurch? I wish you didn’t have to be away tonight. Daddy said he’d make me meatballs and spaghetti after the party so we can celebrate, but we both know he’s gonna sneak some vegetables in there somewhere.

Her clear laughter rang out from the phone.

I love you, Poppa, forever and always. See you tomorrow night.

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