Page 16 of The Geography of Happiness

“No, not at all,” I countered. “It’s just that I had a German shepherd named Miller when I was a kid, so the name caught me off guard. Man, I loved that dog. How the poor thing coped with four boisterous boys I’ll never know. We even taught him to pull a cart one summer. I haven’t thought about him in a long time.”

“Four boys?” Terry’s wide eyes held mine. “Hell, I barely keep my sanity with just one kid. Don’t get me wrong, being a parent is great. I wouldn’t trade my life with Hannah for anything. But bringing up kids is exhausting, especially if you’re doing it solo. A constant rollercoaster of guilt and joy trying to balance work and family life. The hardest, most frustrating, and spectacularly wonderful thing a person can ever do.”

I hadn’t missed the solo part but chose to let it go because the man being single was only more fuckery to add to the list of his many wiles.

Instead, I surprised myself by responding on a much more personal note. “I’d like to say you’re selling it to me, but I’m not sure my parents ever really understood the importance of the whole quality-slash-quantity-time balance thing like you seem to.”

He raised a brow. “Workaholics?”

I shrugged. “You could say that. We grew up on a small dairy farm just outside Martinborough. Neither of our parents had a good head for business, and the place was way too small to make a living for a family of six. Mum was a trained nurse but refused to work off the farm, so things were always tight, and they had to do everything themselves. All of which meant us boys pretty much brought ourselves up. But unlike you, I’m not sure Mum and Dad ever felt particularly guilty. If they did, we sure as hell never felt it. And muggins here was the eldest, so...” I didn’t finish the sentence, and a warm hand squeezed my forearm.

“You became the parent to your brothers.” Statement, not question. Terry studied me with sympathetic eyes.

My throat thickened and I reached out to stroke Miller, which freed my arm. “Yeah, pretty much. Most days they were gone before we got up and didn’t come back until well after dark. Weekends too. It was my job to make sure my brothers were fed, got to the school bus on time, and finished all their chores and homework. Mum kept the freezer stocked with easy meals, but they were pretty repetitive. When I was old enough, I taught myself to cook from the television, and the minute I had my full licence, Dad bought an old car so that I could ferry my brothers to sport training and anything else they needed.”

A deep frown was etched across Terry’s forehead. “What about what you needed?Yourinterests?”

I spread my hands. “I was too busy playing taxi, shopping for groceries, and cooking.”

“Jesus.” Terry shook his head. “What about grandparents? I know that I couldn’t have coped without my parents’ help.”

“Dad’s folks lived in the UK, and Mum’s parents ran a fertiliser business in Invercargill. We didn’t see a whole lot of them.”

Terry blew out a long sigh. “That’s a tough way to grow up.”

And so fucking lonely.I kept that part to myself. “I’m not sure I really thought about it at the time,” I lied. “It’s just how it was. The one big thing in their favour was they barely batted an eye when I came out as bi. Although looking back, I’m not sure if that was acceptance or just plain disinterest.”

“I’m so sorry, Spencer.” He watched me with keen eyes, his expression guarded, and I realised I’d just come out to him as well. “Are they still running the farm?”

I shook my head. “My dad died of lung cancer ten years back, and Mum ended up selling the place. Go figure. Anyway, she remarried not long after toanotherfarmer, but this one was wealthy and with a much bigger property. He’s a nice enough guy and they seem to get on fine. I just don’t think there was ever any big love story between them. I’m guessing he offered her security and the lifestyle she wanted, if you know what I mean?” I stopped before I said too much. “Still, I’m glad she’s... comfortable.”

Terry arched a brow, those epic blue eyes pinning me in place. “Comfortable, huh? A curious word.”

“It’s the best I’ve got.” I shrugged, adding, “Call me cynical, but my mother landing on her feet that way still seems a little mercenary. I don’t know why it comes as a shock when we discover our parents aren’t perfect. We should know better, right?”

Terry huffed in amusement. “Preaching to the choir here. Do you see her often?”

“No,” I answered flatly. “And I’m okay with that. We talk semi-regularly. She’s always full of news about the farm and how happy and busy she is, but to be honest, the conversations leave me flat. I’ve visited the farm a couple of times, and she occasionally stays with my brothers, but she doesn’t have much of a relationship with her grandchildren and she’s never been down here to visit, not once.”

There was no pity in Terry’s expression, only compassion. “Are you close with your brothers?”

I huffed. “The whole stand-in parent thing put a bit of a wedge between us that took years to undo, not helped by the fact I couldn’t wait to leave home and hardly went back once I did.” I threw him a sardonic look. “They accused me of abandoning them, and they weren’t far wrong. In my elation at finally being free, I kind of forgot I was the only reliable adult they’d ever known.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Terry reminded me gently. “Your brothers should never have been your responsibility to start with.”

I kicked my boot against the table hydraulics. “Maybe so. But it didn’t make things any easier between us after I left. We’re doing better now, or at least we’re making an effort. I’m closer to Derek in age and most other things, so our relationship has rekindled more easily. None of us went farming. I took the vet route. Derek’s a fancy criminal lawyer. Todd has his own construction business. And Graham is an aviation mechanic. They’re all married with families.”

“But not you?” Terry considered me with soft eyes that told me he’d already guessed the answer, and maybe even the reasons behind it.

“No. Not me,” I admitted. “I’ve been way too happy being free of all that responsibility to voluntarily put that noose back over my head.” I paused, wrinkling my brow. “And wow, that sounds so much worse when you say it out loud.”

Terry laughed, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

“Nothing against long-term relationships,” I amended. “Just not for me.” I grabbed a few dog treats from the container on the bench and scattered them on the floor for Miller to find. “And I don’t blame my brothers in the slightest for being pissed with me. Iwaskind of hard on them.”

“You were angry,” Terry offered without judgement. “And rightly so.”

Like you wouldn’t fucking believe.His words unlocked a tide of emotions that I’d thought I was done with. Fury. Grief. Guilt. I grimaced as tears pricked my eyes and I tried to look away, but those bright blue eyes held fast. In the end, I sighed and smiled wryly. “And it appears I might still be a tad angry,” I admitted.

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