Page 36 of The Geography of Happiness

Amber was quiet for a moment. “I wasn’t asking for one. Just know that I’m here if you can use me in any way.”

I didn’t respond. Amber had been back in Hannah’s life all of two seconds and was already shaking things up. She’d married a few years back and was living in Wellington—go figure. And when she’d heard Hannah was thinking of going to Nolan, she’d been quick to offer help, telling Hannah that she had family on call if she needed it.

Family?Jesus Christ. Amber wouldn’t know the meaning of the word if it slapped her in the face. And yes, I realised the total injustice of that statement. People change and I was sure Amber had changed as well. I just wasn’t sure I cared.

The silence built and Amber sighed. “I’m not the enemy, Terry. I’m trying really hard to make up in some small way for what I did back then.”

I huffed, unable to hide the disgust in my tone. “Yeah, well, forgive me if I don’t get too excited about your efforts. We could’ve done with some of that a long time ago.” I winced at the anger in my voice.Dammit.I’d promised myself I wouldn’t let her get to me anymore.

“Do you think I don’t know that?” she answered softly. “I’ll keep apologising for what I did as long as I live. You don’t have to like me, Terry. In fact, you don’t have to have anything to do with me at all. What I did was inexcusable. I was young and scaredand depressed. I used to look at her and feel... nothing. Do you know how terrifying that is? I had zero idea how to be a parent.”

“And you think I did?” I scoffed. “I was drowning too, Amber. But when you left, I didn’t have a choice.”

She sighed. “I know. You were always stronger than me. I ran and I shouldn’t have. I know that. I should’ve stayed and got some help. Like I did later. The crazy thing is, the only reason I was even able to leave was because I knew she was safe with you.Saferthan she was with me. Better off. You were—area much better parent than I would ever have been to Hannah. I was a mess?—”

“So was I,” I reminded her, bitterly. “You weren’t the only one who was terrified.”

“I know,” she admitted quietly. “But I wasn’t exactly thinking straight. And at least your parents had your back. They were amazing. Mine just didn’t want to know.” She sighed and took a deep breath. “I can’t change the past no matter how much I might want to. I’m just trying to be a part of Hannah’s life in whatever way she’ll have me, and I count myself lucky that she seems to want that too.”

Unfortunately, she was right.

But Amber didn’t stop there. “Who knows, maybe the move to Wellington will turn out to be a good thing for all of us.”

My head snapped up. “What exactly does that mean?”

“Nothing.” She quickly backtracked. “I only meant that you’ve done such an amazing job bringing her up to have her even ready for something like this.”

“I don’t know that she is. Ready, I mean,” I said flatly.

Amber sighed. “Well, if you do decide that she can take the scholarship, then all I’m saying is that I can be on call for her if she needs it, so you can have a bit of a life again too. Maybe even meet someone.”

I bristled. “Meet someone? Like you did, you mean? When you had zero other responsibilities.Myrole as Hannah’sdaddoesn’t stop just because she goes to a boarding school, you know.I’min this thing for life. AndI’llbe the one on call for her, not you.” I was overreacting and I knew it.

“Hannah really wants to do this, Terry,” Amber said very carefully. “Maybe it’s you who’s not ready.”

And that was it. I was done. “Now wait just a goddammed minute.” I was shouting and couldn’t seem to stop. “You know nothing about me and damn little about Hannah, so don’t think you can stumble back into our lives after ten years and suddenly become some kind of expert. Who the hell do you think you are? And just so you know, if, and I repeatif, I agree to Hannah attending Nolan next year, it won’t be without me. She’s only fourteen, Amber. She’s too young to know what’s good for her or what she can and can’t cope with. So, it doesn’t matter ifyou’rethere or not.I’llbe there, looking after her like I’ve always done.”

“Terry, I just?—”

“No,” I talked over her. “I’m asking you to keep your opinions about Nolan to yourself around Hannah. You don’t get a say in this, and I won’t have you whispering in her ear about things that are none of your concern and making me look like the bad guy. Understand?”

Amber said nothing.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” I fumed, my fists clenched around the phone. “And now I’m done with this conversation.” I hung up without giving her an opportunity to respond and threw the phone on the bed. Then I wrung my shaking hands together and whisper-shouted into the room, “Fucking fuck, fuck.”

But it was a little late for discretion. When I turned to leave the room, Hannah was standing in the open doorway watching me with sad eyes.

She shook her head. “So that went well.”

Shit.“Hannah, I?—”

“And it’s not eavesdropping when you’re shouting the cottage down, just so you know,” she pointed out, the hurt carved deep on her face. “I love you, Dad. But you’re wrong. Idoknow what’s good for me, and a future with dance in it is good for me. And I know what my body can handle. It’s my body after all, not yours. And do you really think I’d put my future at risk by not taking my pills, or being careful enough, or not using my aids? I might make other stupid choices. I’m a teenager, after all. I’m supposed to do that, likeevery other able-bodied kidout there.” She paused for emphasis, and shame curled in my chest.

“But when that happens,” she kept going. “I also know that you’ll have my back. I know I can call you any time and you’ll be there.Youtaught me that.Youtaught me to take risks and believe in myself. And up till a minute ago, I thought you believed inmetoo.”

Oh fuck. I stepped toward her but she retreated. “Hannah, I’m sorry. Idobelieve in you. You know I do. I was just angry. Your mother?—”

“Is my mother,” she stated baldly. “She’ll never beyou, Dad, but shedoescare. And sheistrying. Don’t you think I deserve to get to know her a little? Yes, she walked out on us, and I still hate her a bit for that, but I’m trying to give her a chance.” She paused, drawing a shaky breath. “Maybe you could try too, even if just for me.” She closed her eyes and took a breath. When she opened them again, the disappointment I saw rocked me to the core. “Breakfast is on the table,” she huffed. “I’m not hungry anymore.” And with that, she headed to her bedroom and slammed the door.

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