Page 60 of Strawberry Kisses

“Anyway,” Taylor continued, ignoring my attempts to derail the conversation again. “You love Patrick, you’re pretty much dating Patrick—and don’t say you’re not because you practically admitted it. Now you’re afraid of telling him how you feel because you’ve convinced yourself that your friendship will never be the same if you actually start dating. And you’ve convinced yourself it’s all going to go horribly, horribly wrong and burn down in the most dramatic fashion possible, and you’ll have lost one of your best friends in the process, all because you wanted to get some.”

“Yes?”

Taylor sighed. It was the sigh of a man who had reached the end of his rope. I could see the pained expression on his face from a hundred miles away. “Babe, I love you, but oh my fucking God, you are an idiot.”

“I’m not that bad,” I protested.

“Yes, you are. Look, because I love you, I’m going to be honest with you. You are being a dickhead, and you know it. You and Patrick are dating, whether you say you are or not. You two have already added feelings to the fucking mix, and not talking about it is only going to make things a million times worse. You said you don’t want things to burn down, then open your fucking mouth and use your fucking words. Stop being a knob and start talking. Otherwise you’re gonna be in trouble. Like more trouble than you’re already in.” There was a pause, then Taylor added. “Am I wrong?”

“No,” I said with a sigh. “You’re not.” As much as I wanted to tell him he’d missed the mark, he hadn’t. Taylor had just confirmed everything I already knew. But instead of feeling relieved, this huge bubble of fear started to rise inside me.

“What… what if I talk to him, and he doesn’t want me? What if I tell him all of this and he tells me it was just a fling? That I’m cute but not dateable. That I’m fuckable but nothing more. That it was fun while it lasted, but we can’t ever be anything more than friends or fuck buddies.” The words vomited out of me, leaving a sour taste on my tongue. They were all my deepest fears, forcing their way out of me like last night’s tequila. I hadn’t realised how violently these thoughts had been simmering away, not just for the past two weeks, but for years. These were the excuses men gave me when they decided I wasn’t worth it anymore. For years I’d just brushed them off because, hey, it wasn’t like I wanted any of those assholes anyway. But maybe, deep inside me, I’d desperately wanted someone to want me. Not to see me as just a cute piece of ass but as something more.

For my whole life, I’d only ever been wanted by three people: my mum, Taylor, and Patrick.

My mum had always told me the right man was out there if I wanted him and encouraged me not to let her terrible luck with relationships get me down. She’d said it as a joke on more than one occasion, but now I wondered whether she had really been joking or if deep down she was hurting the same way I was. She’d poured all her energy into giving me the best life she could, and that hadn’t left a lot of time for her. Maybe she wanted to be loved as much as I did. I made a mental note to bring it up to her the next time we spoke.

Taylor and I were never in a million years going to be compatible—there was too much fire and similarity there. We both wanted the same things from our partners, and ultimately, we’d never be what the other needed. Besides, I kinda viewed him as the brother I’d never had, and that wasn’t really my thing. And after seeing him with Simon, I wanted what they had more than anything, no matter how much I’d tried to tell myself otherwise.

That just left Patrick… sweet, perfect, beautiful Patrick who’d welcomed me into his life with a smile, a kind heart, and more love than I’d ever experienced even if it was just as friends. I’d always felt wanted by Patrick, and for the past two weeks the knowledge that I could have more had frightened me as much as it had delighted me.

“Babe? Babe? Are you still there?” Taylor’s voice snapped through the speaker.

“Yeah, I’m still here. Sorry, I zoned out for a second.”

“I thought so.” There was an added note of softness in his tone, and somehow it just made me feel worse. Like I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I sniffed.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Taylor continued. “Sorry, I was probably being hard on you.”

“No, you were right. I’m being a dick. I’m just so fucking scared that it’ll go wrong, and I’ll lose one of the only people who’s ever cared about me.”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because of everything you’ve just told me and everything you’ve said about Patrick over the past three years. I don’t think Patrick’s the sort of man who’s just in this for the sex because otherwise you wouldn’t have been friends for three years and he wouldn’t have just told you he was gay. If he just wanted your dick, he’d have told you years ago, and we’d have dealt with this already.”

“Okay,” I said slowly. Taylor’s logic was pretty solid there. I couldn’t really argue with him.

“Secondly, like I said, you’re already dating. Just without the confirmation. And trust me, it’s not gonna happen without talking to each other. You can’t magically hope that it’ll all become clear without that.” Taylor sighed, then laughed. “Simon and I hooked up for ages as ‘just friends’ and even early on I knew it was different, but I kept trying to convince myself otherwise because I didn’t think he’d want me. Turns out, I was wrong. He’d been in love with me all along.”

“Can you not steal my issues please?” I said with a chuckle.

“Since I dealt with them first, they are my issues. You’re just copying me,” Taylor said. “But please, for once just take my advice. I do actually know what the fuck I’m talking about. You need to talk to him even though it’s hard as fuck and you just wanna pretend your feelings don’t exist.”

“Technically, you didn’t talk to Simon; you word vomited at me, and he heard you.”

“It still counts, especially because we did actually talk afterwards.”

“Okay.” I wasn’t completely convinced, and that was the closest I could get to committing to a conversation without actually committing.

“By the way, don’t think you’re getting out of this. I’m gonna fucking check in on you, and if you don’t talk to him, I will. Or worse, I’ll make Simon talk to you, and you’ll never be able to turn him down.”

“I will! I’m not you. I don’t fall over every time he smiles,” I said with as much snark as I could manage. Which, let’s be honest, wasn’t much.

“I can’t help it. It’s a nice smile.”

“You two are sickeningly adorable, and I love it. I miss you so much.”

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