Page 142 of Off the Pitch

“We’re divorced, Hélène. You shouldn’t be here.”

“I’m sorry.” She sounded upset, but I wasn’t sure if that was because she was genuinely sorry or because I was cross with her. “I just needed to see you. I missed you.” There was a pause, and then she said the six words I’d never expected to hear. “I think we made a mistake.”

Her words hung in the air for a moment, shocking me to my core. Mistake?

“I-I-I think I’m going to go.” Kit’s voice was soft, his eyes wide. “You probably have things to talk about. Sorry.” I reached out for him, but he stepped out of the way, grabbing his bag and hurrying for the front door before I could stop him.

“Kit! Wait!” I wanted to follow him, to chase him down and tell him just how much he meant to me. I’d been so afraid to tell him how much I loved him in case he rejected me, but seeing the fear in his eyes just then told me everything I needed to know. I should have told him. Maybe then he wouldn’t have panicked.

But before I could follow him, there was something I needed to deal with first.

“What the fuck do you mean mistake?” I snarled, rounding on Hélène, anger surging through me. Her blatant selfishness floored me. “How dare you come here and tell me that when I’ve been trying to move on with my life.”

“I just thought…” she stuttered, wringing her hands together.

“That’s the problem,” I said. “You didn’t think. Not really. You were just thinking about yourself and what you wanted, not about what I want.”

“But Hugo—”

“Don’t you ‘but Hugo’ me,” I snapped. I groaned and rubbed my hands across my face. This was like a horrible nightmare, and I was really, really hoping that I’d wake up any minute.

“Who… who was that?” Hélène asked, using the moment of silence to change the subject.

“My boyfriend,” I said.

“Boyfriend?”

“Yes, Hélène. Boyfriend.”

“Oh… how, how long?”

“A couple of months.” I sighed and slid into a chair opposite the sofa, resting my arms on my knees and staring at her. “I met him at the end of May, and we started dating in the middle of June.” It was more information than she deserved, but I wanted her to know how much he meant to me.

“Is it serious?”

“Yes.” My eyes met Hélène’s and the expression I saw there shocked me: no anger or jealousy… just sadness and a vulnerability I’d never seen before. “He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Hélène. I love him.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“I… I’m…” Hélène fumbled for words and I waited for her to speak, wondering what excuse would come out of her mouth next. “I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” She sighed, her breath shaky. “I didn’t mean to cause problems. I know I shouldn’t have come here. It’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

“I’m scared.” There was a definite wobble to her voice now, and I could feel my anger starting to bleed away. There were tears in her eyes when she looked up at me, and for once, these didn’t feel like tears meant to manipulate me.

“What are you scared of?”

“That nobody will love me.” Hélène’s voice was quiet, the admission barely louder than a whisper. “I know we’re not right for each other. We did enough fighting to make that obvious. But for some reason I can’t stop thinking about you, and I can’t work out how to move on. It’s like my heart won’t stop clinging to you, even though I don’t want it to, and I’m so scared that nobody else will ever love me. It was all I could think about when I was in France. All my friends were so happy with their lives. They’ve got beautiful families and wonderful homes, and I feel like I have nothing.” The tears were falling freely down her face now and my heart broke for her. “I don’t even know how to start again. What if… what if I’ve ruined the only chance I’ll ever have?”

“It’s okay,” I said. I moved out of the chair to crouch down in front of her, clasping her fingers between mine. Her skin was cold, almost clammy, and I squeezed her hands trying to get her circulation moving again. “It’s going to be okay.”

“How do you know?” There was so much fear in her eyes, but I knew there wasn’t much I could do except offer kind words. In the heat of all our years of fighting, we’d forgotten how to be kind to each other, and right now Hélène needed kindness most of all.

---