Page 220 of Off the Pitch

“I see,” Lucas said, running his thumb across the card and smiling. Then he looked at me. “You’re really serious, aren’t you?”

“Of course. Am I ever not?”

“You do have a tendency to be… superficial,” Lucas said. “But I’m proud of you. This is amazing.” My chest flooded with warmth at his words. I’d always wanted my brother to be proud of me, but at the same time, I realised I hadn’t done it for him. I hadn’t done it for Lara either, not really. I’d done it because I was bored with my life, with the endless circles of parties and travel and never really feeling like I belonged anywhere. I wanted to feel like I had something that was mine. It had just been a fun thing to do at first, something to pass the time because I’d made a promise. But the more I’d started talking to people and meeting with potential partners and investigating what we could do, the more I’d realised there was more to life than spending my money on the latest iPhone or another first-class holiday. I could make a difference. I could be known for something other than my frivolous nature. And for the first time in a long time, I had a purpose.

“Thank you,” I said. “I think it’s going to do good things.” There was another pause while I debated whether I should tell Lucas the other reason I wanted to buy a place in London, specifically on this side of the city.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” Lucas asked, squinting at me. “What’s going on?”

“Are you a fucking mind reader or something?”

“No.” Lucas chuckled. “I’m just good at reading people. It comes with the territory of being a manager. You know when people are waiting to tell you something.”

“I… I met someone,” I said, attempting to keep my voice light and casual, as if I was talking about something insignificant, the way the British always talked about the weather. “It’s just casual, but he’s… different. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“That’s good,” Lucas said. “I’m happy for you. Have you known him long?”

“A few months.” I didn’t want to go into more detail than I had to. Mostly because I didn’t want to out Jordan to Lucas before he’d had a chance to talk to him first. I knew Jordan had told Liam and Christian, but there was a big difference between telling your best friends and telling your manager. Especially if you were going to tell him you were hooking up with his brother. Although if Lucas was going to blame anyone, he would definitely blame me. I couldn’t help it though. One look at Jordan leaning against the bar in his suit and I’d been hooked.

“And you like him?”

“Yes. I think I do.” I shifted in my seat, looking out the window at two birds on the lawn. “It’s just…”

“You’re afraid,” Lucas said softly. My eyes flicked to his, finding nothing there but love. “You’re worried you’ll get hurt again.”

“But I’ve never been in a relationship.”

“No, but you’ve still been hurt by people you trusted.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“Félix.” Something in his voice caught my attention. He was going to ask me something I wasn’t going to like. “Have you ever really let it go?”

I wanted to say yes because of course I had. It had been years ago. There was no reason for me to be holding on to feelings from back then. Regardless of what had happened, I’d built a good life for myself. A life other people would be envious of. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. It was like something had stolen my voice and clamped my tongue down.

“I know I’ll never truly understand what you went through, but I know that it must have been terrible for you. To have people you trusted as your friends shun and bully you for who you are. But I know you cannot hold on to it forever without hurting yourself.”

“They took everything from me,” I said. My voice was barely more than a whisper. “They ruined my life. Why should I forgive them for what they did? Why should I move on when they will never have to deal with what they did to me? I will never get to have the life I wanted.” A tear rolled down my cheek, followed by another.

“You don’t have to forgive them. I will never tell you to do that.” I heard Lucas’s chair roll across the floor, but I couldn’t bear to look at him. It felt like there was a stone in my chest, crushing me in place. I felt his hand grip mine, squeezing it so tightly that I thought he might break my fingers. “Never. I’m just saying that one day you should make peace with your past. Grieve for your loss. Let it become part of who you are. But don’t let it ruin your future. I have watched you build a life of your own. Don’t let your fear hold you back from something you want. I have never heard you talk about someone you’ve met before, not that way. You’ve talked about men, but never in a way that makes me think that there might be something there. If he is as special as I think he is, don’t let your doubts chase him away.”

I took a deep breath, letting his words wash over me. It felt almost good to talk about things, to get it out in the open. It was like I’d been carrying around a weight in my chest for the past sixteen years, and for the first time, it was starting to lift. Even though Lucas had been there afterwards and had known what had happened, we’d never talked about it. I’d just tried to pretend it hadn’t happened and had buried myself in trying to feel good.

I thought it had worked. I’d thought my life was perfect, and maybe it was… but maybe, deep down, I’d only been pretending.

Perhaps Lucas was right. Perhaps it was time to take a step I’d never considered and trust someone in a way I’d never dared to. And maybe, just maybe, Jordan was the one I wanted to take that step with.

Chapter Twenty

#nomoreglitter

Félix

I’d seen six places in the past three days and absolutely none of them fit the bill. I was starting to wonder whether I was too picky or whether London estate agents just didn’t get what I was looking for.

Two of them had been enormous mansions big enough to house the entire Greenwich football team and their families. Three of them had been fancy London townhouses with more basement space than sense. I liked luxury, but I didn’t see why I’d need a two-story underground garage, private cinema, and home leisure suite that included a pool, sauna, and home gym. I wasn’t going to be spending that much time there. The last one had been better, a decent-sized penthouse flat with nice views over the river and its own mini roof terrace, but despite it not looking that far from Jordan’s house on the map, it had taken me well over an hour to get between the two.

I knew it was probably stupid to buy a property based on how close it was to Jordan’s, since there was a chance things wouldn’t work out between us, but for now, I didn’t want to have to sit in a taxi for an hour every time I wanted to get laid. I’d just end up living at Jordan’s, which wasn’t the aim.

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