Page 5 of Off the Pitch

Christian

I was not usually the sort of person who got suspicious. It just wasn’t in my nature. But when Lily came home practically bouncing, after a seminar she’d been highly reluctant to attend, I knew that something was going on.

She’d been whining all weekend about having to get up for a seminar first thing on Monday morning. All I could do was shake my head and laugh because I was usually at the training ground at eight at the latest. Apparently, this made me unsympathetic, and I’d gotten a pillow thrown at my head for pointing this out.

“Someone seems happy,” I said from my position on the sofa. My legs were still sore from my earlier physio appointment, and I was happy to do as I’d been told and take it easy this evening. I paused the rerun of the match I’d been watching as Lily kicked off her trainers and flopped onto the sofa, her head landing in my lap. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yes,” she said, in the saccharine-sweet voice I knew meant trouble. “It was very interesting indeed!”

“Really?” I said, stroking what was left of her hair gently. I’d always loved stroking her long hair and gently massaging her head, and Lily relaxed under my touch, humming happily. I was sure in another life she’d been a cat. “Were the American Colonies that interesting?”

“Hmm, not necessarily the seminar, but more who was teaching it.”

“Oh yeah? Was it someone you know?”

“Yes, and someone you know too.”

I felt my forehead wrinkle as I tried to think of who it could be. I’d met a few of Lily’s friends from uni before, but they were mostly course friends, not anyone who would be teaching. “Who’s that?”

“It’s David.”

The way she said it meant I didn’t need to ask for a last name. I knew who she meant.

It had been six years since I’d last seen David Cade, but I’d never forgotten him. They say you never forgot your first love, and David had been so much more than that to me.

I’d known him since I was six and he was nearly eight, when he’d joined my football team. He’d been my best friend, confidant, cheerleader and finally my boyfriend.

We might have been eighteen months apart in age, but I’d never been as close to anyone as I had to him. I hadn’t spoken to him since I left for Germany, and now just the mention of his name sent a wave of mixed emotions flooding through me all at once. I’d been so wrapped up in my own life, so sure that he’d reach out, that I’d never bothered to even try. It was a gamble that I’d lost.

Guilt burned hot in my chest, and I could feel Lily watching me, waiting for me to say something.

“Oh,” I said. “That’s nice. I’m glad he’s busy.” I paused, pushing myself off the sofa.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just need to get a drink.”

I didn’t look back as I fled.

I hid in my bedroom.

I knew it was childish, but it’s where I’d always felt safe. It had been my refuge ever since I could remember.

When my parents used to fight, I would hide underneath my covers with my hands over my ears and pretend I couldn’t hear them. I’d imagine that Lily and I were off on an adventure like the ones I saw on TV. We were Han Solo and Chewbacca exploring a vast galaxy or Batman and Robin saving the day.

I was safe there.

In all honesty, I wasn’t even sure why I was hiding. I’d always known that I couldn’t avoid David forever, and repressing my emotions because I refused to deal with them was never going to help. Still, running away from my problems had always been my default defence unless it was something I could solve with a trip to the gym or kicking a football around, and somehow, I didn’t think that would help here. Either way I’d still be left alone with my emotions.

For a while I’d tried to forget David, but it had always been impossible. He’d been far too ingrained in my life for me to simply push his memory away. Instead, I’d just relegated him to my memories and hoped he’d stay there, even if a small part of me had always dreamed I might see him again. Might get to see him smile and laugh and argue with Lily over stupid things. Might get to have him back in my life.

I’d loved him so much and letting him go had been the hardest thing I’d ever done, but neither of us had been ready for a long-distance relationship back then. We were just teenagers. And besides, it wasn’t as if anyone else knew I was gay, and that sort of thing would have been hard to keep secret if I’d been spending hours chatting to someone back home who wasn’t family.

Sometimes I’d wondered if he still thought of me the way I still thought of him or whether he ever watched me play. Somehow, that thought was more painful than all the rest for reasons I couldn’t quite explain. I thought it had something to do with my guilt over evaporating from his life. I’d run away from him in the same way that I ran away from anything that I found hard.

I sighed and pulled my giant duvet over my head. Why did life have to be so complicated?

That was where Lily found me. I’m not sure how long she let me stay there by myself, but she was always good at giving me space to think things through. Or to give me a hug when I needed it.

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