Page 108 of Off the Pitch

“It’s for a friend on Tumblr. It’s a headshot of their fursona.”

There was a pause, and I watched Hugo carefully. He just shrugged and gave me an easy smile. “That’s cool. Do you do a lot of commissions for them?”

“Well, not just for them, but yes, I do. I’m not part of the community myself, but I’ve made a lot of friends there over the years. I accidentally stumbled across them on Tumblr when I was just starting at university and avoiding doing my actual work, since I already hated my degree course, and they were very patient with me. I had no idea about anything, and many of them answered my questions and allowed me to be nosey—even though I was probably more than a little rude. So as a thank you for putting up with me, I drew something for one of them. It took me hours because I was still trying to figure out digital art, and it was very different from what I’d been drawing before, but I wanted to show them how much I appreciated them. Or at least to partially apologise for any rudeness. Anyway, they loved it and shared it with all their friends, and suddenly, I was being asked if I did commissions. I had no idea what I was doing, but I said yes. And I’ve been drawing for them ever since! They’re always happy to commission artists, and they’ve definitely paid for repairs to my house more than once,” I said. “They’ve helped me develop as an artist too. I mean the anatomy can be a little tricky at times, but once you’ve figured it out, you can pretty much draw anything! I can’t tell you how many times it’s translated into my fantasy work.”

Hugo smiled at me. “I can imagine. I mean, you’re very talented, and you work hard, and you’re a lovely person too, so I can see why they’d like you…” His voice trailed off, and for a moment I thought he was going to say something else, but he simply picked up the remote and asked me which episode we were on.

I tried to eat my risotto and focus on the show, but I couldn’t. My insides felt like snakes and it was horribly unpleasant, but I wasn’t even surewhyI felt this way. Maybe it was because I’d opened up to Hugo more than I’d ever opened up to anyone before—even David, and he was my best friend. I just found it so easy to be myself around Hugo, and suddenly, all my secrets and my past came spilling out of me, without me even thinking about it. It was utterly terrifying and yet every time I spoke and revealed more about myself, Hugo listened. He never judged or told me to be quiet or looked at me like I’d grown three heads.

For once in my life he didn’t make me feel like the weird one.

“Can I ask you something?” There was an odd note in Hugo’s voice, almost as if it was slightly strained. My heart sank, and I wondered if I really had blown it. This was why I’d learnt to keep my mouth shut.

“Sure,” I said. I put my bowl on the coffee table and crossed my legs underneath me, wiggling into a comfortable position. I was terrible at sitting still, but I wanted to be able to give Hugo my full attention, especially if this was going to be our last conversation before he booted me out.

“You don’t have to give me an answer,” Hugo said. “And I won’t mind if you say no.”

“You’ve completely lost me,” I said, my head spinning. “You’ll have to ask me the question first.”

I was baffled. This wasn’t quite what I’d expected, and I couldn’t think of any questions that might require me to go away and think about them. The only thing I could think of was whether I wanted to move in with David and Christian when they returned, since my house was still uninhabitable. But the idea of leaving here made my stomach lurch.

Hugo’s cheeks were flushed, and suddenly, I was worried that maybe I had upset him. Perhaps he’d allow me to apologise, and we could just pretend I’d never said anything.

“Would you, um…” He coughed, clearing his throat. “Would you like to have dinner with me?”

“But we’ve just had dinner,” I said. “I’m terribly sorry. Was it not very nice? Do you want me to make you something else?”

“No, no, it was great,” Hugo said. “I mean… fuck, I’m not good at this.”

“Not good at what?” I had no idea what was going on, and I was becoming more confused by the second.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?” The question spilled from Hugo’s lips, and the expression on his face suggested that he hadn’t quite planned to word it like that.

Now I understood the dinner question, and my breath caught in my chest. It felt like all the air had been forced out of my body, leaving me dazed. It was the one question I didn’t know how to answer without upsetting him, but now I had to do just that.

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry. It was a stupid question. Fuck, I’m really sorry… just forget it. I’ll just…” I could see him searching for an escape route, and something inside me snapped into action.

“No, it’s fine. Please don’t go.” I sighed, twisting the hem of my jumper between my fingers as I wondered how best to put my feelings into words. “Hugo, you’re amazing. Truly you are, but, um, I’m not really very good with romantic things, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. I’m rather oblivious to these things. You just caught me off guard.” I tried to give him a smile, but even to me it felt forced.

“I’m demisexual,” I said, looking at my socks and wishing I’d put on a pair without holes in them. “I-I don’t feel sexual attraction to people without an emotional connection first. I mean, I really, really have to like someone. And, um, it’s not really happened much so far. Only once in fact, and that was a very, very long time ago…”

“Oh,” Hugo said. I braced myself for his reaction. It couldn’t be any worse than last time.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable,” he added.

Well… that was new.

“I asked David if you were interested in men, but he said he didn’t know. He suggested I just ask you.”

“David doesn’t know,” I said and a little smile curled my lips. “I’ve never told him.”

“Were you worried he wouldn’t understand?”

“No, I knew he would. He’s like those very supportive parents you read about. The ones who stand by you no matter what. I just… never got around to it I suppose.” I glanced up at Hugo and saw nothing but kindness on his face. “It’s just hard,” I said, not even really sure where I was going with that statement. “I live in a world that’s fixated on sex, and I just… don’t fit. I’ve tried dating, but things never really got off the ground. Maybe I just picked impatient people… I don’t know. But suddenly when you tell men sex might be an issue then they tend not to want to stick around for very long. I guess that answers your question though. I mean, I am gay. That’s never really been an issue. It’s the other part. I need a little extra time to get to that point, and most men aren’t willing to give me that.”

The words of the last guy I’d tried dating echoed in my ears, the hurtful ones he’d thrown at me when I hadn’t wanted to have sex with him.

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