Page 62 of The Fly-Half

“Do you think this isn’t going to do that?” Wayne asked. “It’s not a trick question. I’m just curious.”

“It probably will, but I’ve never really talked about something this personal before,” I said, trying not to sound cagey but knowing I was on the defensive. “Never had an issue like this before, though, so I don’t know.”

“Okay, well, let me start with a bit about me and then you can start at the top and tell me whatever you want to,” he said. “These sessions are confidential, and I’m not going to tell anyone anything unless you want me to. Sound all right?”

“Yeah, it does.”

“Good.” He nodded before introducing himself again and running through his qualifications as a psychologist and licensed counsellor as well as a little about how the sessions would work. He wasn’t someone I’d worked with before, and I couldn’t remember seeing him around the building either, and in the back of my mind I wondered if Clive had brought him in specifically to talk to me.

But that sounded ridiculous because I wasn’t special and my problems weren’t unique, so I quickly disabused myself of that notion.

“So,” Wayne said as he settled back in his chair. “Why don’t you tell me, in your own words, what’s going on and what you want to achieve from this.”

I shifted in my seat for a second, trying to put everything in order. Then I decided honesty was the best policy, so I said, “I recently realised I’m queer and in love with my best friend, who’s our fly-half, and he wants me back, which is fucking awesome. Only it turns out I get really fucking jealous and possessive whenever anyone touches him, including guys on the team. I’ve already been sin binned once and only narrowly avoided another card because one of the opposition guys punched me, and Clive told me I really need to get my shit together before I do something really stupid and get benched. Permanently.”

Wayne nodded, compassion and understanding in his eyes. “That’s a lot to go through all at once.”

“Yeah.” I let out a strangled laugh. “The weird thing is being queer, being in love with Dev, none of that bothers me. I’m soin fucking awe of him and the fact he chose me, I can’t imagine being upset or freaked out. Like, that’s my best mate, the one person I can’t imagine my life without, and he wants to be withme? That blows my mind.”

“And when you say you get jealous or possessive, what does that feel like?”

“Like I wanna hit something,” I said, twisting my fingers together. “Or someone.” I sighed and rubbed my fingers across my jaw. “It’s not because I don’t trust Devon—I know that. I just don’t trust anyone else.”

“What about yourself? Do you trust yourself?”

I thought for a second, my brow furrowing. “Like, not to hurt him? Not to cheat?”

“Yes, but it also depends on what aspect of trust is the issue.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, my head already spinning. It felt like Wayne had gone straight for my jugular in the gentlest way possible.

“Is it physical hurt you’re worried about? Rugby’s pretty rough at times, so are you worried someone else will hurt him?”

“Yeah, all the time.”

Wayne nodded. “Do you trust your teammates not to hurt him?”

“Yeah, of course,” I said. “I mean, it gets physical but it’s only training. It’s never malicious. And sometimes they do stupid shit like pick him up, but that’s what we do. It’s always fun and they’d put him down if he asked.”

I might not have liked Bailey picking Devon up, but I had to accept that was my problem to deal with. I knew it’d only been a game and Bailey wasn’t going to hurt him. And it felt different to when people got physical with Devon during a match.

“All right, so you trust your team. That’s good,” he said. “What about people outside your relationship? Are you worried someone will try and flirt with him?”

“Yeah, I mean he’s fucking gorgeous, but he’d never do anything,” I said. “So they can try, but it’s not going to get them anywhere. And I wouldn’t blame him, by the way, if someone tried something. It’s not his fault people are dicks.”

“Okay, good. Good.” He nodded like he was putting things together. “So, you trust Devon not to cheat, and you know you can’t control the actions of other people. Where do you think your mistrust around other people might come from?”

“What if I’m not enough?” My words were quiet and sudden, catching me off guard as they fell off my tongue. “I love him so much. I think I always have even if I’ve only just realised it’s romantic and not platonic. But what if I’m not enough? What if I hurt him? It wouldn’t be deliberate, but what if I do something and mess everything up? I can protect him from everything else… but not me.”

It was a startling realisation and one that hurt more than anything. It felt like a knife in my heart, twisting in deeper every time I drew breath.

I wanted Devon to have everything. He deserved the whole damn world and more, and I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to give it to him. But maybe if he knew how much I cared… if I staked some sort of claim to show him how much I needed him… maybe then I’d be worthy of his love.

And calling him mine.

Wayne nodded again. “That’s a good start,” he said. “Want to unpack that a little?”

“Not really,” I said with another huffed-out laugh that was half awkward pain and half denial. “But I guess that’s why we’re here.”

---