Page 30 of The Fly-Half

God, even in my own head I was trying to justify my behaviour.

“A little but it wouldn’t matter either way,” Ryan said. “Like I said, you already know the answer. And I promise you it’s okay.”

“What do you… oh…” Mason said, suddenly inhaling and smacking his thighs as he looked at Ryan with wide eyes and an open mouth. “Oh!”

“Do I want to know what conclusion you’ve come to?” I asked, hoping he’d say no because I desperately didn’t want to hear the words come out of his mouth. I’d barely managed to figure it out myself and I was still running from the realisation that was threatening to turn my world upside down.

“You’re jealous because you like Devon!” Mason grinned triumphantly while Ryan sighed and muttered something about tact and West stared at him.

“He’s my best mate. Of course I like him.”

“Don’t be an arse. You know what I mean. West agrees with me.”

“Does he?” I asked as I looked at West, who was now frowning and nodding like he’d put all the pieces together.

“It would make sense,” he said slowly as he turned to Mason. “But we can’t tell Jonny how he feels. He has to figure that out for himself.”

“He’s also sitting right here,” I said pointedly, gesturing at myself. My heart was racing, my head reeling at the idea they’d figured it out so fast.

I didn’t want to admit it.

Couldn’t admit it.

Because if it was true…

It would mean I had feelings for my best friend, the one man I loved above everyone else and the person I couldn’t bear the thought of losing. He meant more to me than my family, my job, my friends—nothing else in my life was even vaguely comparable.

And I had no way of knowing if he felt the same or if I’d somehow fallen for the perfect man but the one who’d never want me. Just because Devon was gay didn’t mean he’d be interested. After all, we’d been friends for so long, surely he’d have said something?

Then again, maybe not. It wasn’t like I’d shown much interest in dating or sex beyond a few unsatisfactory hook-ups, and he’d both listened to me talk about my disinterest and had seen me pick up girls when he’d been back in the UK during the summers, so why would he have ever wanted to pursue me?

But the thought of him being with anyone else…

Seeing him with Peaches in my dream had been bad enough, but if it happened in reality, I didn’t think I’d be able to endure the pain.

“Well,” West said. “How do you feel?”

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want,” Ryan added, reaching out to put his hand on West’s shoulder. “But we’re here for you.”

“Oh yes he does,” Mason said with a cynical smile. I thought he was joking but only just. “He doesn’t get to act like a dickhead and then clam up. I want to know the truth.”

“Baby, I love you but be quiet,” Ryan said, kissing his head and jabbing his chest. “Jonny gave us a lot of space to figure our shit out and we owe him the same.”

“You’re being very noble for someone I know is dying to know. You love gossip,” Mason said, tilting his head up to beg for a kiss. The pair of them could give Rory and West a run for the most sickening couple but for once it didn’t make me roll my eyes. It made me resentful.

Iwantedthat.

For the first time in my life, I wanted someone to look at me the way Ryan was looking at Mason.

Except I didn’t want it to be anyone. I wanted it to be Devon.

“I think I have feelings for Devon,” I said. It was a simple statement, nothing more. But it felt like I’d confessed state secrets. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

“And how’s that?” Ryan asked.

“Like… like if I lose him, I might die. Like if I have to watch him fall in love with someone else, then nothing else will be worth it. Like if I have to think about him shagging Peaches one more time, I’m going to put a fucking hole in the wall.” I exhaled shakily, well aware that these weren’t soft, sweet, romantic feelings. They were possessive, messy, and ugly—the sort of things you shouldn’t confess to. But pretending they didn’t exist was part of the reason I’d gotten into this mess in the first place. I’d never thought of myself as a jealous person before, but now I seemed to be filled with nothing but an endless, raging volcano of it.

“Shit the bed,” Mason said. “That’s—”

---