Page 57 of Ms. V's Hot Girl Summer

“Maria Roberts.”

“Orlando Higgins.” Maria’s deep voice carried memories of summers talking about everything from comics to politics to our parents and our dreams. She hadn’t changed much, still lean and tall, almost as tall as I was, with a creamy light-skinned complexion and pretty freckles all over her face, shoulders, and chest. She had a front-line costume, all white, but no large backpack. At this time of the night, if you still had your full costume, it was a miracle. Her eyes were still as kind as ever, and her smile was as gorgeous as the first day I met her.

What had changed was how she made me feel.

For the longest time, I had a crush on her. One of those teenage crushes that feel intense and never-ending—nothing like what I felt for Trinidad, robust and mature, fulfilling and encompassing. Now I only felt gratitude to see her well, and the nostalgia hit me square in the chest.

“You look good, Orlando.” She sat next to me on the rocks, and we remembered our rhythms and silences.

“Thank you for finding me,” I said once we found our comfort.

“I hesitated, I’m not gonna lie. When I found out about Maya—”

Maya…my grandmother’s name. Fuck. I fisted my hands over my knees, overwhelmed by the tangible knowledge of someone out there being a part of me. I already was a part of Maya no matter if we’dmet or not.

“That’s a beautiful name,” I said. “Go on. Sorry I interrupted you.”

“You good; I know it must be a lot for you, but yeah. When I found out I was pregnant, I took into consideration everything: my family and yours, my circumstances and yours. I was young, so I’m not proud of my decision, but with everything you already shouldered with your moms and your brothers, I didn’t see any space for a child. And honestly…you kept things so close to the chest all the time I was afraid you’d just go with the flow to make me happy. Take the burden and not speak up that you needed help. I couldn’t do that to you, so… I figured I would make my own way.”

A deep pressure started in the center of me, holding me down, weighing down my limbs at her explanation. I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but that wasn’t true. I would have done the right thing. I would have kept it all inside. and I would have never burdened her or anyone else with my worries and concerns.

“I wish you would have told me, though; I had a right to know.”

“You did, and I have regretted that decision for a long time; I am sure my metiche grandmother was the one to tell you. I haven’t called her yet, but when they told me you were looking for me, I put two and two together. But she had been pushing me to tell you, and I kept refusing; I was…ashamed and afraid, I guess, of your reaction.”

“I get it,” I said, my head too full, my chest too heavy to do anything but push the feelings aside until I had more time to process them by myself.

“So…you want to see her?”

“Hell, yeah, I want to see her! Can I meet her tomorrow? Do you have pictures of her now?”

“Yeah, I knew you’d ask.” She pulled her cell phone from an undisclosed location I didn’t want to study too much and unlocked it immediately. The face of a pretty little girl without a front tooth, with Maria’s complexion and my whole face, stared at me with so much joy that my breath caught in my throat.

“Maya,” I croaked, breathing shallow as she flipped through baby pictures. A progression of the growth of my child till now. By the time she finished tears ran down my face, and Maria was sobbing.

“I’m so sorry I kept her from you; I really am.”

“I get it, I…hey, we were young and…yeah. It’s okay. Well, it’s not, but I know we’ll work through it. I want to be in her life, so we need to. I want to co-parent with you, Maria.” I threw my arm around her shoulder as she sobbed against me. The relief to have found her and Maya wouldn’t be complete until I shared it with Trinidad.

Whatever she needed to face with Milton, I’d be there to handle with her. And whatever I needed to face with Maya, she’d be there for me. I knew it. All it took was for me to open up to her and be vulnerable, to apologize, and to hope she’d understand my lapse of judgment. Because I loved her, and I didn’t want anyone but her.

“What do you mean she left?” I hadn’t meant for my voice to rise, but between the loud-ass music and the shifty faces in front of me, I was losing all sense of patience. And my well ran real deep.

“She was upset after you…you know, with the text message.” Grace waved her hand around as if that would explain why she had allowed a visibly intoxicated Trinidad to leave by herself.

“I wasn’t planning to leave her here; why would she leave?” Fuck. I pushed the headpiece off my forehead, rubbing the mark it left behind. The headache that had moved in had big plans to make itself comfortable.

“So…well, she felt you kinda let her down, assumed the worst, and well, left her behind, so she left you behind.” Grace shrugged.

“Fine, I’ll see y’all tomorrow. I’m gonna go to her now.” It was pointless to ask more questions. I understood now that I fucked up. I had reverted to my old patterns of isolation instead of communicating my feelings, and I’d hurt her in the process. She needed so badly to feel secure and safe, and I’d destroyed that with one stupid moment.

The drive to the rental felt worse than crossing the Brooklyn Bridge at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday. By the time I stepped into the rental, a sense of urgency pushed me up the stairs. Hoping to find her room empty, I was disappointed to find the sexiest lump curled up under thick blankets. A few locs dared over the pillow.

“Trinidad, sorry to barge in. I was hoping you were in our room.” Our room. Damn, that felt good to say.

“No, I’m leaving early tomorrow, so I thought it best to sleep here. Don’t want to wake you up. Actually, I didn’t want to sleep in the same bed with you at all. It would send the wrong message.” I was grateful she didn’t pretend to be asleep. But why would she? Everything she experienced, Trinidad took face on, no fears. I wish I had the same bravery.

“I fucked up.”

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