Page 50 of Ms. V's Hot Girl Summer

“What do you mean?”

“I can see how you are there convincing yourself this is not for you.” She shrugged. “Come, I’ll walk you to your car.” She stood up, palm extended. Trevor and Desmond stared at me, and then both nodded.

“You good, man, go have that talk,” Desmond said.

The fuck was happening? This wouldn’t have happened a week ago. Trevor would have made fun of me wanting to leave, and Desmond would have sat there looking unbothered. Just a conversation today and Trinidad’s words yesterday pushed our friendship to a different space. There was still more for me to open up about, but damn, it felt good to be vulnerable with my friends.

Grace’s small stature was no impediment for her to commandeer space through the crowd until we made it to the parking lot. I swear the woman had the presence of a six-four offensive tackle.

“So…what are you gonna do?” Grace asked me once we both got into my rental car.

“She’s not ready.” I shook my head. Saying the words aloud hurt my chest.

“How do you know if you don’t ask her?” Grace opened the windows, the melody of the crashing waves eerily similar to the goings-on in my gut.

How do I know if I don’t ask her?Asking her exposed me. A talk meant opening to her, carving out my insides for her to inspect and decide if they were valuable enough for her or not. It was better if I kept it all inside, and then when the disappointment came, I could walk away with my dignity intact.

A tiny burst of pain exploded on my bicep, the force pushing me against the car door.

“Stop it. Think different. You’ve been doing that this week. Think different!” Grace’s sharp reminder penetrated the fog of disappointment, clearing the way for other thoughts. Was I really going to let Trinidad and me scare ourselves away from something that could be great? Not just great; great was not enough of a word to describe what we could be. We could be as epic as Luke Cage and Jessica Jones if we got out of our own way.

“Fuck, you’re right. How are you so wise?” I stared at her, hoping she saw the gratitude brimming out of me.

“’Cause someone has to be, in this group of obtuse people. It took Trinidad for you to open up and trust us a little more, for Trevor to realize his immaturity wasn’t letting our friendship evolve, for Desmond to…well, you know Desmond. I’m thankful for her, and I’m rooting for you both.”

“Even if she’s ten years my senior and has two kids?”

“Is that a concern for you? Because I didn’t think so.” The soca music floated from the Big Hut toward the car, complementing the silence between us.

The silence was all Grace needed to know I agreed with her. Brandon and Brian, as an addition to my romantic life, might not have been what I had envisioned for myself, but I took their existence as the blessing they were. Trinidad was an amazing woman, and the boys only added to the gift that she was. But that wasn’t enough; Trinidad had her own thoughts about the age difference. She was my hope and at the same time the biggest opp for my hopes.

“No, it’s not, but I think it is for her. She wants stability and a set future, and I still don’t know if I’m doing law school or not.” A cold pang vibrated through me.

“Sometimes we have to make sacrifices; if law school is what it takes for you to have a solid future, then…it’s worth looking at. I want you to do what you love, but hey, we’re not kids no more; this is some real-life shit. Real-life shit requires some real-life decision-making.”

“Okay, Gracedamus, with the knowledge.”

The nervous laughter escaped me, and Grace joined me. All the energy inside transformed into guffaws until my belly hurt, and I could barely breathe.

“So, you good, you got this?” Grace asked me once the soca music filtered back into the car accompanied by the gentle sounds of the ocean.

“I got it now. I need to stand up.” I nodded, and she punched me again.

“Man, what the fuck? Have you been training or something?!”

“I have! For moments just like this.” Grace smiled. Man, I was grateful for my friends. Even in difficult moments like this, I didn’t realize I had someone to lean on. With Trinidad’s gentle nudges, her showing me the possibilities of what living vulnerably looked like, I understood better than before how much I had isolated myself from those who loved me. From tonight on, I vowed to do better.

* * *

Trinidad in pj’s curled up on the sofa was the first thing that I noticed. The Grape-Nuts ice cream in her hand was the second. The tracks under her eyes were the third, and they propelled me to my knees in front of her.

“What happened?”

The smile that illuminated her face was so unexpected I leaned over to taste her sweet lips. Just our lips together eased the turmoil inside, sweetness and Trinidad. If that’s all I tasted for the rest of my life, I’d be a lucky man. Trinidad whimpered, easing out of the kiss with a dazed gaze, and my chest poofed up at the sight.

“I called my ex-hus—I called Barry. This weekend, all of it has made me wonder if my perception of my twenties and my marriage, the failure I felt in my chest, the wanting to change things, and my goal-driven mentality were the right things feel, to aspire. I don’t have the answers, but Barry confessed something to me. He never felt he could measure up to me and my dreams. All this time, I thought it was the opposite, that I was too everything, too loud, too Dominican, too strict, too demanding, and all along, he felt inadequate. Our communication skills sucked too, so no wonder we both have been under the wrong impression all this time.”

This was so unexpected I fell back, sitting on the floor in front of her, as she stretched from her curled position.

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