Page 34 of Dark Room Junkie

“Alex! My goodness!” Livio placed a caring hand on my back and crouched down beside me. “What’s wrong?”

I spat out and swallowed hard. “Just ... a reaction,” I lied.

“Do you need anything?”

“Maybe a toothbrush?”

Livio laughed. “You’re in luck. I can provide that. And afterward, I’ll make sure you relax. You seem a bit tense today.”

I nodded and accepted the toothbrush, still wrapped in cellophane, along with a small tube of toothpaste.

“They handed them out on the plane,” he said, winking at me. “Take your time. We’ll wait for you.”

Still breathing heavily, I sat down on the toilet lid and rubbed my face. Michael had opened a box that I had thought was locked away, hidden from the world. It wasn’t even his touch that threw me off so much. It was his words, still wailing like sirens in my head, refusing to fade away. They triggered images I wanted to forget. And despite years of therapy, I couldn’t manage to apply any of the strategies I had learned back then. My mind was just empty.

And as if I weren’t already disoriented enough, my thoughts drifted to Noé. Contrary to my expectations, he had a soothing effect on me. Last night was incredibly beautiful. I loved having him around. And I was grateful that fate had brought us together in this way. Just the thought of his smile calmed me. He was always so confident, seeming invincible. He was like a rock I wanted to cling to. Because somehow, I was sure he could save me from being swept away by the black wave again.

I straightened up and cleared my throat. In one hand, I still held the inhaler, and the packaged toothbrush in the other. My mouth was completely dry from the medication, so I gathered myself and brushed my teeth in the sink.

For a while, I stared at myself in the mirror, observing my bare chest and the long scar on my forearm. It had been so long ago, and the desperate person I had been then seemed so far away. But the memories drew my thoughts in like a magnet.

As if it were yesterday, I saw the green-striped bedspread before my eyes. The small orange lamp sat on the nightstand, and his scent wafted into my nose.

I hugged myself tightly and fought against the shuddering. Against the disgust and the fear that came over me.

No, you’re not going back there. You’re not that person anymore. You’ve overcome the past.

Maybe I can distract myself with Noé?

But when I tried to hold onto his face, his smile twisted into a wicked grin and mocked me mercilessly. I leaned forward and splashed water on my face.

Stop thinking about him! He’s just fooling around with theLighteners,and he’ll go home with some other guy afterward. Chris must have been telling the truth about that. And the way Marco talked about Noé’s reputation ... Damn it! Noé didn’t even make an effort to defend himself! He just smirked suggestively! He was probably only with me because he wanted to fuck ...

I paused and straightened my shoulders.

No, we didn’t just fuck. Somehow, he even seemed relieved after we ...

For a moment, I didn’t know what to think, but thoughts of Noé had just pushed out all the others—and for that, I was grateful.

The muffled sound of distant voices carried through the walls, and then the creak of the front door echoed through the hall.

What’s going on?

I stepped out of the bathroom and returned to the living room, where Livio and Philippe were already naked on the sofa, passionately making out.

“Where’s Michael?”

“He left,” Livio said nonchalantly. “When he heard you wouldn’t put out, he lost interest. But that’s okay. Now we have you all to ourselves. Come here, Alex. Let’s play.”

***

On Sunday afternoon, I sat in just my boxer briefs on Livio’s couch, watching Philippe get dressed. It had been a wild weekend. One of the best I’ve ever had here, probably because it was just the three of us. I’d fucked them both for hours. Saturday had flown by without me even noticing it.

Philippe smacked himself on the butt. “What about you, Alex? Haven’t had enough yet? Want another round?”

It was then that I realized I was staring at him. I brushed it off with a smile and shook my head. I caught myself already missing the ease of the weekend. How was I going to survive the upcoming week? I had to go to Ticino tomorrow and then straight to Bern for a shoot on Tuesday. Just the thought terrified me. And with increasing sobriety, I felt like the door Michael had opened remained wide open. That wasn’t good. Especially since the memories refused to come out. Even worse, they were lurking and calling me to them.

I can’t handle this, I thought, rubbing my bloodshot eyes.

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