Page 53 of Dark Room Junkie

His sudden outburst as he stormed angrily out of Livio’s apartment had left me completely stunned. It felt like the ground had been knocked out from under me. As if observing myself from the outside, I saw what an utter idiot I had been to drag him there. It wasn’t until we were on the balcony that I managed to feel like myself again. Philippe had escorted me out and tried to calm me down by talking to me and patting my shoulder. Eventually, Livio emerged and said he had called a taxi for me.

“Just come back next week,” he said. “We’ll keep it small-scale. The three of us, if you want.”

Throughout the whole weekend, I tried to distract myself with work, but my sleep schedule was so messed up from the constant cocaine use that I found it hard to concentrate. And so, my thoughts kept circling back to Noé.

He stepped out of the bathroom wearing only boxers and sat down beside me on the bed.

“I’ve been thinking about you for the past few days,” I said sincerely. “Please, give me your number; otherwise, I’ll have to ambush you in the rehearsal room.”

He pondered longer than I expected. His jaw tensed, and he nervously ran his fingers through his open hair. I sat up to meet him at eye level.

“It’s been killing me to have to wait until tonight to apologize to you,” I said.

He extended out his hand, and I handed him my phone. After he entered his number, he let it ring a few times, then gave it back to me.

“But no drama, understood?” he said firmly.

“Promise.”

“I’ll block you otherwise.”

He was serious, but he couldn’t suppress a grin. Without thinking, I leaned in and kissed him. I couldn’t help it. I stroked his neck and rested my forehead against his.

“I’ll restrain myself,” I whispered. Surprise was written all over his face, and suddenly, I felt afraid that he might bolt. “I-I’m sorry,” I said, pulling back from him. “I just ...”

“It’s okay,” he replied and lay down. “Aren’t you tired?”

“No,” I admitted, yanking the blanket over his legs. “But go ahead and sleep. I’ll quickly tidy up the kitchen.”

I dimmed the light to the minimum and slipped into my boxer briefs. When I glanced at Noé again, he seemed to be already fast asleep. I quietly left and cleared away the dirty dishes. Sitting on the couch with a glass of water, I examined the camera obscura photo. A smile crept onto my lips. Noé looked so serious, even a bit startled. But he was also so sweet. On the other hand, I looked more broken than ever. Unshaven and sleep-deprived. Completely worn out. And the longer I looked at myself, the more repulsed I became by this image of me.

I need to shave. How can I let it come to this? So messed up ... It’s a miracle Noé even got into my car.

As the black wave approached, I returned the photo back on the table and stood up. I downed the water in one go—away with the thoughts—and tried to focus on Noé. But then I felt his touches, how he groped me, all over my body, in places I didn’t want.

“I want you to know that I love only you, Alex. Never forget that.”

A cold shiver ran through me as I heard that voice in the back of my mind.Why can’t he finally leave me alone?I downed the glass to get away from my thoughts and tried to focus on Noé. But then I felt my dad’s touch, pawing at me all over my body, in places I didn’t want.

Fuck!

I poured myself another and drank, but I knew it wouldn’t help. Nervously, I paced around the apartment, trying not to think about what Philippe had slipped me last Friday. It was in the other jacket pocket, just waiting to be snorted.

Damn! Whatever!

I fetched the packet from my jacket, went back to the bar, and filled my glass to the brim with vodka. Equipped with everything I needed, I headed toward the darkroom. I was already standing in the open doorway when I heard a noise from the bedroom.

Noé?

I set my stuff down and went to check. Noé was tossing and turning, making whimpering noises. I climbed onto the bed next to him, but for a moment, I didn’t know what to do. Moonlight streamed through the blinds, casting a silver glow on his face. A sheen of sweat covered his forehead, and he looked like he had a fever.

“No ... please ...” he murmured, turning his back to me.

Is he having a nightmare?

“Go away ...”

Even asleep, his voice was unique. His body tensed as he clenched his fists, thrashing around.

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