Page 60 of Dark Room Junkie

At that moment, I knew I was being an asshole, but I just felt too miserable. I was just trying to somehow contain these feelings, and for me, that meant breaking the black wave before it swept me away.

“You ...” Corinne rose from the sofa. “Do you even realize how insensitive these drugs make you?”

“Insensitive?” I asked, caught off guard. “What’s wrong with talking about it?”

“But not about that!”

“Oh! But everything else is fair game?” I shouted, getting louder. “Back then, I spilled everything! I vomited out everything! And I still don’t know if you knew! If you knew what he was storing in the attic? Or what he was doing with his second phone. If you knew the police were coming. Or what he was even planning.”

With wide eyes, she stood before me, breathless as tears streamed down her cheeks. And then she exploded. “It was me! I told him I’d call the police. Gave him a night to sort out his affairs. I couldn’t have known that he would spend the remaining time ... with you! I live with it every day! Every damn day, I blame myself for being so stupid! So stupid and naive! I wish I could undo it! So much! And spare you all this pain! But I can’t! So all I can do is try to be there for you.”

Now I was the one left without any strength. She had kept her secret hidden for all those years. And now, out of nowhere, she brought it out. I stood there with my jaw dropped, my face feeling numb. My whole body seemed wrapped in cotton.

“I hid the key to the attic so he couldn’t destroy the evidence,” she continued. “And I locked myself in my room at night out of fear of him.”

“Why are you telling me this all of a sudden?” I asked. “All these years. This recurring argument about this one thing. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I couldn’t. I was so ashamed,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “But last week, I had a great session with Dr. Gerber. I realized what I need to do to move forward. As hard as it is for me right now, I... I’m so sorry, Alex.”

Shaken, I shook my head. “I need to process this first.”

Corinne nodded understandingly. “Yes, take your time. I’m sorry. I’ll go now, but if you want to talk ... Call me.” She placed the paper bag on the living room table. “I found five films for the Rolleiflex in there too.”

“Thanks,” I said without emotion.

“When ... um ... are you leaving?” she asked hesitantly.

I escorted her to the door. “In the afternoon. Checking into a hotel there, and the shoot starts tomorrow.”

Corinne turned to me one last time, pressing her lips together in turmoil. She pushed some strands of hair out of my face and kissed my cheek. “Get in touch soon,” she said, forcing a smile. “Gerber might call it progress.”

“Yeah, maybe. We’re really good at shouting at each other.”

“Drive safely. Okay?”

“I will. See you.”

Once the door closed, I leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath. Right now, I had no idea what was going on inside me. My heart was racing, yet my body felt numb. I desperately needed sleep before driving, so I left everything behind and crawled into bed.

18

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Noé

I nervously paced back and forth in the parking lot, trying to ignore the incoming crowd. I shivered, wearing just the leather jacket over my tank top, but I had other concerns at the moment.

“I can’t do this,” I choked out, barely able to catch my breath.

“Yes, you can,” Tom said with confidence from the other end of the line. I didn’t need to see him to know he was suppressing a grin.

“You’re laughing at me.”

“Just a little.”

“Fuck, I’m freaking out!”

“Find somewhere to retreat. Warm up your voice and take deep breaths. The underground parking is good; no one’s there at this time.”

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