Page 67 of Dark Room Junkie

There was no way I was driving back to Zurich tonight. I extended my stay for another night, hid in the darkened hotel room, and took a pill.

With limbs outstretched, I lay on the bed, staring at the plaster ceiling, grateful to have gotten through the two days more badly than well.I hope the photos turn out okay.My thoughts drifted away, and in my mind’s eye appeared Noé. Just the thought of him calmed me down a bit. I felt guilty for completely banishing him from my mind for the past two days, but the dark memories had become too overpowering. Now, as I waited for the Valium to take effect, he reappeared.

Why?

Damn! And I even told him I love him!

As much as I would have liked to drive back to Zurich tonight to catch him at Hyde after the concert, it was simply impossible for me.

I wonder how the warm-up concert went?

I’m sure they rocked.

Noé was even more charismatic as a singer than usual. I was sure he had delivered an unforgettable concert. And inside me, there was a flicker of anticipation like I hadn’t felt in a long time. Even if he ignored all my messages and calls, I knew I would see him again at the album release in two weeks at the latest. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to give him time until then to forget about our argument from Tuesday morning—if that was even possible. It also gave me time to get back on track. That evening was my chance to make a good impression. I couldn’t mess it up.

My hand wandered into my pants, and I imagined Noé here with me, touching him, kissing him, and absorbing his warmth. But my dick wasn’t getting hard anymore. The Valium started to take effect, and I fell into an almost comatose sleep.

I checked out promptly on Saturday at eleven. I wasn’t completely refreshed, but I felt rested enough to take the drive back to Zurich. I was back home in the afternoon, relieved that the weekend had arrived.

During the drive, I had thought a lot, devised strategies on how I wanted to get through the next two weeks to prove to Noé, my mother, and myself that this relapse was a one-time thing. As strong as my will was, it felt like I was being guided by an external force as I left my apartment and drove toward Livio’s before sunset.

20

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Alex

The anticipation of Nightrain’s concert helped me get through the days. And when Chris led me into the club on Saturday, past the bar and into the vaulted cellar, where loud music blasted from the speakers and plenty of people were already waiting for the show to start, it fueled my excitement too.

“Are all these people here because of you guys?” I asked Chris. I hadn’t expected it to be so crowded. But as it turned out, the band wasn’t as unknown in the scene as I had assumed.

“After the warm-up concert, word got around,” Chris said, grinning over his shoulder at me.

We climbed up a side staircase onto the stage and entered the backstage area through a small door. I had to duck my head and bend my knees to get through. Chris closed the door behind me and gestured invitingly.

“Take your time getting settled. We won’t go on stage for at least forty-five minutes.”

“The photographer is here!” Marco called out, raising a beer bottle to me from the couch. “Where have you been?”

“Sorry, I couldn’t make it sooner. Had something to take care of for a client.”

I was still standing next to Chris when Noé turned his head and looked at me for two seconds. He was lying on the couch with his legs stretched out, headphones in his ears, and judging by his tapping foot, he was listening to music.

A cold shiver ran down my spine. It had been two and a half weeks since he stayed over at my place, and the unpleasant scene with my mother occurred. I had forbidden myself from reaching out to him and had stuck to it ruthlessly. I had distracted myself with work during the week and spent the last two weekends at Livio’s. But despite my efforts, the guilt I carried and the many memories that kept me awake at night felt like minor annoyances when I felt the pang in my chest every time Noé turned his gaze away from me. I tried my best not to show anything as I greeted Lukas and Ramon, then sat down on the couch next to Marco.

“Do you have three cameras again?” the bassist asked, taking a swig from the bottle.

“No, just one,” I replied, taking it out of its case.

“Just do your thing,” Chris said, drumming his sticks on the wooden table and his thighs.

My thing would have been to ask Noé how the last two weeks had been for him. To apologize. Or just to sit next to him, gently stroking his cheek and kissing him. My whole body was screaming for him, and what I had successfully pushed aside in the last few days now crashed down on me like an avalanche.

Fuck, I really fell in love with him.

All the ideas and resolutions I had gone through in my head over the past two weeks evaporated into thin air, and I felt so lost. But at least I still had my camera, and I clung to it as if it were my lifeline. With trembling hands, I turned it on and checked the settings. Since there was nothing else I could do, I started taking pictures.

The backstage room already seemed to offer much more than the stage show that was about to follow because I was sure the photos wouldn’t be much different from the ones I had taken in the rehearsal room. But here, anticipation, excitement, expectations, nervousness, and plenty of testosterone were mixed in.

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