Page 7 of Dark Room Junkie

“Are you all right?” I heard Noé outside the door. His voice sounded calm and genuinely concerned.

“Yeah,” I croaked as soon as I had enough air again. “Asthma. I’ll ... be right there.”

How embarrassing was that?

The chemsex party being canceled at Livio’s had thrown off my plans. The internal nervousness tore me apart, and the man staring back at me from the mirror felt eerie and unfamiliar.

Don’t be such a wimp!

If you were with Livio, you would have already fucked three guys by now.

Damn! But not without help!

I ran my hands through my hair, then rubbed my face and gathered the courage to look at my reflection again. I had no idea if I could even get it up without drugs, and there was a hot guy waiting in my bedroom right now.

How do I relax?

Noé had taken the lead in such a natural way that it completely caught me off guard. I gritted my teeth and sniffled, even though I hadn’t done any lines. But my body craved it—and so much more! Everything I could get at Livio’s parties.

For a while, I stared at myself in the mirror. Noé must have had the wrong impression of me. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have picked me up.

Wait... did he pick me up, or did I pick him?

Doesn’t matter.

He wanted to fuck me!

But I don’t let myself get fucked. I’m not that kind of guy.

That ... doesn’t work.

Not this way around!

He probably saw some yuppie in me. They all did. A harmless young man who looked like a banker. And as soon as they knew I was gay, everyone assumed I was a bottom.

Since landing at Livio’s for the reportage a few weeks ago, I hung out there every weekend. I knew it was bad, but by now, the people there knew me, and the drugs did the rest. I felt free and detached from my constraints. I could be my true self.

I’m such a hypocrite!

The medication had completely dried out my mouth, so I leaned forward and rinsed it with water. Then I washed my face and combed my fingers through my hair again. That’s when I noticed my hands were shaking. The craving inside me grew stronger.

What the hell? I’m not going through withdrawal!

After all, I only indulged on weekends. During the week, I was clean. Or was it because of this pathetic attempt at a one-night stand? I hardly had any experience with it anyway. Even my therapist knew I had long lost confidence in myself.

Everything is so easy at Livio’s.

Maybe I still have something around here...

I didn’t need to finish the thought because I knew there was only alcohol in this apartment. Maybe it would have been better to look for another chemsex party.

Why did I bring Noé along?

Because he’s super hot, of course!

He had caught my eye the first time I went for after-work drinks with the architects at Hyde. His slim figure, tied-up hair, prominent jawline, and beautiful face. The way he slapped the bass had an indescribable impact on me. Even though I wasn’t that into jazz. And when I stood at the bar with Noé and saw his fully tattooed arms, I wondered even more. He didn’t look like a jazz musician at all, but his bass lines didn’t disguise the fact that he mastered the instrument like a pro.

The craving inside me gradually mixed with a desire. In a way, that reassured me because it made me feel like everything was still normal with me. But nothing was happening in my pants yet since I was still too nervous. If I didn’t calm down somehow, sex was out of the question—no matter how much I wanted it.

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