Page 72 of Dark Room Junkie

I was so startled that I pulled out of her and jumped off the bed. I stood there, my breath hitching, and tore off the condom.

Michelle laughed with satisfaction. “Oh God, Noé! What was that?”

I stared at her in horror. This thing with Alex had just felt incredibly real. And now that he was gone, an icy coldness flooded through me. I slipped into my pants, put on my shirt and sweater, and grabbed my jacket.

“What are you doing?”

“I ... I’m sorry. I have to go.”

I put on my shoes and made a run for it.

22

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Alex

“What’s this?” Corinne asked, holding up an empty baggie with traces of powder inside. “Is this what I think it is?”

“Yeah,” I replied indifferently.

“Are you serious? How long has this been going on?”

“No idea,” I mumbled, pulling the pillow over my head.

Although I knew exactly. Davide had sold me the coke and made some stupid comment about having misjudged me completely.

“You need to talk to Gerber!” Corinne exclaimed, both upset and fearful.

“I don’t have to do anything.”

“Is it because of me? I thought we were on a good path.”

It wasn’t because of her. It was because of me. I had felt like garbage for years, tainted by my own father. But the fact that I was gay had plunged me into even darker depths.

Or do you like little boys like your father?

What my former school friends had predicted and what had prompted my mother to leave our old life behind and move to the city had eventually caught up with me. I was gay. And just the thought of it made me sick. To somehow bear myself, I had accepted Davide’s offer and traded the awful feeling for confidence and sleeplessness. By now, the coke was gone, and since yesterday, I had been coming down. And with Corinne in the room, it was turning into a horror show.

“Just leave me alone,” I said, rolling onto my side.

“This can’t go on like this!” she shouted, yanking the pillow off my head. “You can see for yourself that this is no way to live! Your teacher called. Did you forge my signature to get your absence excused?”

My patience ran out. I jumped out of bed, grabbed her by both shoulders and shoved her out of my room. “Leave me alone! I really don’t have the nerve for this right now! I just want to sleep!”

I slammed the door in her face and staggered back to bed. But as much as I longed for sleep, it didn’t come. Instead, I was at the mercy of my thoughts and memories.

It wasn’t that I had fallen in love, but I couldn’t deny the fact anymore that I was attracted to men. I wanted to scream and tear this inclination out of me, but I couldn’t. My heart raced. My lungs constricted painfully. When I became so short of breath that reaching for the asthma inhaler was inevitable, I stumbled into the bathroom. I already had the inhaler in my hand when I saw the better solution.

Razor blades.

The inhaler dropped into the sink, and I reached for the small packet of blades. With trembling hands, I took out two as my lungs gasped for air. But I didn’t want to breathe anymore. I didn’t want to be who I was. And certainly not become like my father. I didn’t want anything anymore, so I pressed the razor blades into my skin and sliced open my entire forearm.

“Alex! Are you still there?”

I found myself back at the conference table, with Patrick sitting across from me. Between us were printed plans for two new construction projects that I was going to photograph soon. The guitarist of the Lighteners looked at me with a concerned expression.

“You look a bit pale. Are you okay?”

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