Page 84 of Dark Room Junkie

“Maybe?” she asked, puzzled. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I was his son. He had to ... love me.” I choked out the last two words and covered my mouth in disgust. “Maybe I shouldn’t have ...”

“Alex. We’ve been through this already. You were still a child. He was your father. You bear no blame. You neither did anything wrong nor did you fail at anything. What he did was wrong.”

“I know. I feel like I’m going in circles.”

“No, you’re not. Trust me. You’re on the right path. Maybe we’ll schedule an appointment with your mother next week. How would you feel about that?”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.”

“Then we’ll wait.”

My heart was racing and sweat dripped down my forehead. When I saw her pulling a form out of my file, I tensed up even more.

“As I see, you’ve submitted a request,” Mrs. Gerber said, glancing at me.

I gave a faint nod.

“You want to go to a concert tonight?”

This time, I froze and couldn’t even look at her.

“You know that these requests are meant to better control impulsive actions. Tell me, why do you want to go there?”

My breath hitched as my heart rate quickened. Since I’d been here, I’d avoided talking about Noé. After all, he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. But as much as I tried to forget him, I couldn’t. I had thrown myself into processing my story just to get him out of my head, but ultimately, it was thoughts of him that had calmed me down and grounded me in the chaotic moments. And today, on this Friday, he took up all the space and filled me completely. He was everywhere, so much so that even I realized that I could no longer keep Noé a secret from Mrs. Gerber. And just as I no longer resisted thinking about Noé, I ultimately surrendered to my therapist as well.

Agitated, I raked my fingers through my hair and glimpsed out the window. Feather-light snowflakes swirled around, and a thin white film covered the bare trees. Even though it was only afternoon, the sky was gray, casting a dark and somber ambiance over the day.

“To meet someone.”

“Who?”

I had known Mrs. Gerber for so long that I could hear the suspicion in her voice. Apparently, all her alarm bells had gone off, but she was skilled at not showing it. However, her expression softened, probably as she remembered the architects at Hyde, whom I had told her about. “Is it about work? Alex, I’m sure these clients haven’t forgotten about you. Don’t rush anything and wait a bit longer with work.”

“It’s ... not about the architects. But ... a bassist.”

Gerber briefly glanced at my bouncing knee. “Could it be that you weren’t completely honest with me?” A gentle smile played on her lips, and the woman radiated a warmth I had never seen before.

“I am free to talk about what I want, right?”

Gerber chuckled and crossed one leg over the other. “But you do realize that you can’t go back now, right?”

I bit my lower lip and clasped my hands together in my lap, picking at a nail. “I can’t exclude him anymore. He’s stuck in my head and taking up more and more space. He accompanies me home in the evenings, enables me to sleep, and allows me to get up in the morning. Unknowingly, he takes care of me, even though he’s probably the one who needs my help. Today is the last concert before the winter break. I have to go there and try to talk to him. Apologize to him for just disappearing and not contacting him anymore.”

“Has he contacted you?”

“He can’t. But ... that’s okay. I know he likes me. I’m actually pretty sure of that now.”

“What makes you so confident?”

I grimaced and tried to laugh, shaking my head. “He gave me more than one chance. And I messed up so much. I tried to be someone I wasn’t, or at least I couldn’t maintain the illusion of that person. He inadvertently tore off my mask, and I had no choice but to show him my true face. I’m not confident. I’m terrified. But you asked me two weeks ago what I want, and my answer always came back to him. I want him.”

Mrs. Gerber took a deep breath and nodded. “I’m glad you’ve found clarity in this regard. And of course, I hope the evening goes as you hope. But please don’t see it as an outcome, but as a test.”

“Of course.”

“And please still come on time tomorrow. The special event for relapse prevention is very important for you.”

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