Page 88 of Dark Room Junkie

Of all the messages, I felt least prepared to face his. I wasn’t ready for him. I even doubted if I ever would be. The past week had brutally reminded me of who I was. The child of a junkie mother, nothing more. He certainly wouldn’t want someone like me. And if Alex was writing to me, it probably meant he was sorting his shit out.

Now that he was back in my thoughts, I could literally feel him invading my mental space. He had the power to push everything else into the background, which suited me in this situation, but it also made me realize how much I longed for him. I didn’t want any of this. Neither this cursed apartment nor this unbelievable grief that I couldn't comprehend. I wanted him, but I couldn’t make sense of it. Just the thought of his smile stirred something in me, filling me with the warmth I longed for.

Longing.

Fuck ...

Is this supposed to be love?

What a confusing feeling.

And just now, life threw me back into the shit I had tried so hard to escape from. I almost managed it, but you couldn’t change who you were. Alex definitely deserved better than me.

The thoughts of him stirred me up so intensely that I jumped up from the couch and paced around the apartment in agitation. The fog in my mind gradually dissipated, and I saw the apartment for what it really was—dirty, rancid, blood-stained. And I was right in the middle of it all!

I felt nauseous, but before I could throw up, I opened the windows and tried to breathe. The rising panic tightened my throat. My heart drummed against my chest, and the blood rushed through my ears. I was sweating despite the icy air coming in. And at that moment, one thing became clear to me.

I can’t stay here any longer.

At first, I didn’t know how to put my decision into action, but then my body abruptly started working on its own. I grabbed my backpack and packed in some clean clothes. I then searched for the hiding spots in the apartment, both mine and my mother’s, emptying out their contents. I stuffed everything I could find into my bag, grabbed my phone and jacket, and rushed out the door. It wasn’t until I stepped onto the street that the tight feeling around my chest loosened, and I could breathe again.

Next to the mailboxes, I pulled out my phone and scanned the messages again. There had to be someone unaware of my situation, someone who reached out to me because they solely wanted sex. Not that I felt like it, but I knew myself well enough to know that it was the only thing I could offer for the time being. Just the thought of singing made my chest tighten again. Fucking someone was the least of all evils if it meant getting a night in a clean apartment with good air and a bathroom without mold and blood spatters.

Steffan.

His message was from this morning, but it was worth a try. By now it was already after nine o’clock, so there was a chance someone else was with him.

“Hey! Sorry, I was tied up. Is your offer still on?”I added a few smiley faces and sent the message.

“Sure, come over,”was his brief reply.

“Okay,”I replied and set off. When I stood at the bus stop, I became aware of my appearance again. I hadn’t showered for days, and my hair was disheveled and greasy. Feeling self-conscious, I took out my phone again.“But I have to use your bathroom first. You can only open your eyes again when I come out.”

As curt as Steffan was, he sent me a thumbs up and a winking smiley. That reassured me a bit, and I got on the next bus.

***

“You were serious about the shower, huh?” grumbled Steffan as he opened the door.

“No, I was serious about you closing your eyes,” I replied with charm.

While on the bus, I left the entire past week behind in my thoughts and put on an act that Steffan liked so much with all my might. With a suggestive smile, he let me in and pointed directly toward the bathroom, then collapsed onto the sofa, assuming it might take a while.

By now, the bathroom felt very familiar to me, and the fresh scent of the towels was a relief. But as soon as I closed the door behind me, I felt the past few days lurking, like someone was holding a gun to my head. I stood still, unable to move as my breath hitched.

Damn it! Get yourself together!

My hands trembled as I took the toothbrush out of the backpack. When I pulled out my shorts, my eyes fell on the countless benzos.

They would calm me down.

For sure.

But forget it.

I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower with the toothbrush and razor. Although Steffan wasn’t as well-equipped as a woman, he liked brand-name products, and they were not to be scoffed at despite the lack of conditioner.

Strange thoughts kept crossing my mind, casting doubts on what I was doing here. But I pushed aside the concerns and convinced myself that I was doing the right thing here. I would just give Steffan what he wanted, get some sleep, and see what tomorrow brings. Besides, I had experienced much worse. It was only thanks to Juri that I was still alive. If he hadn’t helped me get off drugs back then, I wouldn’t be here now. The rehearsal room was always an option, but I didn’t feel like going there. Just the thought of singing at band practice tomorrow gave me stomach cramps.

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