Page 94 of Heal Me

"Why exactly do you think that you are guilty of something?" I'm thinking.

"People suffer because of me."

"Do you think that you treat yourself meticulously?"

"I evaluate everything as it really is. I know I'm screwing things up. I know that I leave people at the very moment when they need me the most."

"Why exactly are you doing this?" I hold back tears.

"Because I am afraid that I will not be able to give them what they expect from me."

Another thirty minutes and fifteen incomprehensible questions pass before I can finally get up from the chair and leave the walls of the psychotherapist's room.

Not that I didn't enjoy the sessions. I decided to go on them. They just don't help me at all.

Besides, of course, I feel even more guilty when I say all my thoughts out loud.

"How was it?" Sebastian opens the car door for me and I get inside.

"Not bad."

It seems to me that it is becoming a habit to lie to everyone.

"Have you realised the cause of your depression?" Danylo.

"Not yet. She thinks that I blame myself for everything. I can't let go of the past, I can't forgive myself because of Denys." There is some truth in this.

"I think this too. Until you forgive yourself for what Denys did, you will not be able to move on."

Sebastian stops at a traffic light and turns to me.

"Mom suggested going to some warm countries for the holidays, I think the rest will be good for you."

Holidays are good, of course. But I need to pass more exams to rest with a free soul.

"Did you talk to Danylo?"

The last time we talk was two weeks ago, when I saw him with Zlata.

"No, why are you asking? Something happened?"

"No, he asked me if we were staying in Kyiv for the holidays. They are having a party." "Ah," I nod.

"If you want to go…"

"No," I interrupt him, "I want to spend time with my family. Unless maybe, you want to go?"

"I don't know," he shrugs his shoulders, "you need me now more than my friends, so we'd better go somewhere to relax," he smiles.

"Thank you," I say quietly, looking at my feet.

"For what?"

"For everything. You are always there. Always helping me." "Ami, you know that I will do everything to make you happy." I know.

I didn't have a father, but I did have Sebastian. He would give his life for me. As I would for him.

"You managed it. You tried to replace our father, and you succeeded," I hold back tears.

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