Page 68 of Five Things I Love About You

‘Matt did you hear me?’

‘I did. I thought for one minute you said you followed a random man to hospital for no apparent reason, but that sounds unlikely.’ There’s a prickle to his voice that I haven’t heard before, and I don’t like it.

‘Well, yes. Kind of. I mean… well, it was sort of my fault that he crashed, you see, because I pulled out in front of him so I felt guilty and wanted to make sure he was okay. That he hadn’t… you know. Died, or something.’

‘Oh, Miranda, only you.’

His voice is sad but I can hear affection in his words and I grasp at it.

‘I know. But the thing is, I’m fairly sure it’s him.’

‘You don’t recognise him from the night you met?’

Shit, I forgot he doesn’t know I’ve never actually met Jay before.

‘I… well, no. Maybe a little bit. But half his head was in a bandage and he looked quite different…’ I’m aware how lame I sound. ‘I… it’s him, Matt. It is.’

Silence hums and stretches before he speaks again, his voice taut.

‘Okay. Well, congratulations, then.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I guess I should let you go, I’m sure you’ve got lots to do.’

‘Matt, I don’t want to leave things like this.’

‘It’s fine, honestly, Miranda. I knew this was bound to happen eventually. I just… well, I suppose I hoped that the other day might have changed things. But it’s okay. I… I need some space. Away from you I mean.’

‘Does this mean we can’t be friends?’

There’s another silence before Matt says, ‘Maybe one day, but not right now. I’m not sure I can.’

‘I’m sorry.’ My throat feels tight.

‘Me too.’

Then he ends the call and I sit there for a moment, unmoving.

I’ve lost him. I’ve lost Matt.

I have to hope Jay turns out to be the man I need him to be.

* * *

I’m late to meet Jay and when I get to the park he’s sitting on a bench, Alan beside him. Alan sees me first and leaps up, tugging at his lead in his excitement to say hello. Jay looks round and his face lights up.

‘Hey,’ he says, standing awkwardly and holding his arms out for a hug. It’s the first time we’ve touched and the press of his body feels warm, if a little awkward. He pulls away and I bend to greet Alan, who’s leaping around my ankles.

‘And hello to you too,’ I say, giving him a scratch under his chin. He nuzzles into me happily.

‘Blimey, I’ve never seen him so keen on anyone apart from me and my neighbour, you must have really done something to win him over,’ Jay says.

‘We just have an understanding, don’t we, boy,’ I say. ‘Do you want to sit for a bit longer?’

‘No, I’m good. I need to walk I think, or I’ll seize up. But I’ll warn you, I’m not very fast on my feet right now. I’m walking like an unfit eighty-year-old.’

We set off. Jay had suggested meeting in Jesmond Dene, but I’d said no. I’d told him it was because it was hilly and too far for him to come, and it was partly true. But I also didn’t want to be reminded about Matt and our walks round there – or, worse, risk bumping into him. So instead we’ve come to a small park in the north of Gosforth, close to Jay’s house.

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