Page 34 of Five Things I Love About You

I shrug. ‘Moving to Newcastle was about more than just finding Jay,’ I say, unsure how much to admit about my disastrous life back home.

Matt says nothing so I carry on, twirling the glass round and watching the wine swirl up the edge. It’s better than looking at Matt and seeing pity in his eyes. ‘I got made redundant, then my boyfriend cheated on me. The kids are across the other side of the world, my ex-husband has got his new family…’ I trail off. ‘I needed a change and then my friend Sophie did a tarot reading for me and said I needed to go and look for the love of my life and it… well. It felt like a sign.’

Matt doesn’t reply for a few seconds. I’m worried I’ve said too much – and he doesn’t even know the half of it.

‘Well, in that case you can’t just give up at the first hurdle,’ he says, eventually. ‘What else do you know about him? Is there anywhere else you could try looking for him?’

I lift my gaze to him at last. ‘I’m going skydiving in Durham.’

‘Oh wow. Is that something he does then?’

I don’t like lying, but there’s no way I can tell him I saw it in a dream.

‘I think so,’ I mumble, incoherently. ‘I’m bloody terrified though.’

‘Ah you’ll be fine. It’s not as bad as you think.’

‘You’ve done it?’

He nods. ‘Last year, for the charity. It is scary, but it’s such an amazing feeling, and you’ll be completely safe. These guys know what they’re doing.’

‘I just can’t imagine throwing myself out of a plane. I’m seriously considering cancelling it.’

‘Honestly, even if you don’t find this Jay, you should do it. What is it they say? Feel the fear and do it anyway?’

I’m about to say I could do without fear in my life thank you very much, when Matt surprises me.

‘I’ll come with you, if you like. You know, for a bit of moral support.’

‘Oh I…’

‘Sorry, don’t feel you have to say yes. I just thought…’ He looks down at his drink, his face flushed.

‘No!’ I say. ‘Honestly, it’s such a generous offer, and normally I’d bite your hand off. But my best friends are coming up to go with me.’

‘Oh right. Of course. Well, that’s good then. Better than being on your own.’

‘Yes.’ I smile at him. ‘Seriously, thank you though. It was a very kind offer.’

‘Any time.’

We steer the conversations onto less awkward topics, but I can’t shake a nagging feeling from my mind. And it’s not until I’m on the bus home later that evening that it hits me.

I really wanted to spend the day with Matt.

And I don’t know what that means for my search for Jay.

13

If I’d been trying to manifest rain, thunder, lightning and hail in the hope that the skydive would be called off, it failed spectacularly.

Saturday morning is sunny and warm, and although I hardly got a wink of sleep, I still struggle to fully wake up. My body feels heavy and limp, almost as though it’s resisting moving at all. Actually, is that a stomach ache? Maybe I should cancel?

But no.

Sophie and Kirstie are taking an early train up from King’s Cross and are due into Durham, the closest station to the skydiving centre, in a couple of hours so I really need to shake a leg. I go through the motions of showering and getting dressed and by the time I’m ready to leave the flat my stomach feels like it’s got a lump of lead in it. There’s no chance I’ll manage any food so I set off in the direction of West Jesmond Metro station.

Kirstie and Sophie are waiting on the platform at Durham station as the train arrives and, even though it’s only been just over a week since I left London, it feels like a lifetime since I last saw them, and my heart soars. When they wrap me up in a group hug I feel as though I never want to let go.

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