Page 37 of Under My Skin

Even if that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Which is a problem in and of itself.

What if this arrangement isn’t enough for me either? What if I’m setting myself up for failure knowingly? With how possessive I feel toward her and how much I need her, I know she’s different from any other woman I’ve been with. She has the power to make me stray from my plan—the one that saves me from getting my heart broken again and allows me to devote myself entirely to the girls. Because what Mackenzie and Addy need more than anything else right now is normalcy, love, and attention. My needs don’t really matter.

And still, I find myself replying to her message anyway before I close my eyes.

Me: If only you had been there.

* * *

I spendthe next couple of days going hard at renovations around the house—the ones I can handle, that is. Mikey and his crew are doing a great job with the big stuff, but I still need a few small things to keep me busy and feel productive.

I asked Nikki to watch the girls for a little bit so I can lose myself in retiling the bathroom and painting the office and the girls’ room.

After losing football, I know I need something that can be an escape. Something that is mine. I also know that the answer to this is the gym, but I can’t get over my own fears long enough to actually do it. Much to Wyatt’s annoyance, since I’ve been avoiding moving forward with it.

Doing small stuff around the house here and there is cathartic in a way I never realized it could be and the only time I feel like I can think. And I’ve been thinking a lot. Mostly about my dad and all the words of wisdom he passed down at various points in my life. I figure I can find some real-life pointers and advice in his words if I try hard enough.

All that comes to mind are his lectures on the importance of work ethics and ways to manage money and the best ways to be a kind and loving dad for Mackenzie and Addy. When I was going through my divorce with Renee, he told me how true love will find you no matter what and that, when it does, you have to be ready for it. After my divorce, he told me mine was still out there, waiting for me. I laughed it off, but it always made me wonder if he knew something I didn’t.

In all the years of advice and insight, those were the only words I had a hard time believing. I never told my dad this, obviously, but true love and happily ever afters became a myth for me.

Of course, all this reminiscing only made me think about Lizzie and the message I had on my phone this morning when I woke up.

Lizzie: Maybe you should have asked.

Damn it, I want to be selfish. I want her. But the way I found myself smiling at that short message worried me.

I may not be able to keep it to just sex with Lizzie. Because, even now, I know my feelings for her have moved past just friends. Being friends with benefits while being neighbors will mean she’ll start spending more time at the house. I know the girls will fall in love with her too, if they haven’t already.

Which will be the biggest disaster of all when she finds her Prince Charming and it all blows up in my face.

So, over the next couple of days, I take the coward’s way out and avoid Lizzie like the plague. I don’t join her on her blanket under the stars at night, even though it’s all I can think about. Instead, I watch her for a few minutes from my kitchen window and use all my self-control to stay inside. The girls and I wave hello when we see her in passing, but I keep my poker face on.

I never replied to her message, and she never sent another.

When she comes to me with her decision, I’ll either agree with her that it’s for the best or apologize for propositioning her to begin with.

As much as I want her to be mine and wanted to stake my claim on her days ago, I can now see that she never will be. That I can’t ever let it be.

Lizzie Montgomery is everything I want and everything I can’t want at the same time.

It’s fucking maddening.

* * *

On Saturday,the girls and I spend the day at Nikki’s house to celebrate my niece Ava’s fifth birthday. It’s been an absolute blast, and it’s great to catch up with all my family in a positive setting, seeing as the last time we were all together as a big group was at my dad’s funeral.

We eat burgers, hotdogs, and cake, and I have a couple beers and hang with the guys. Liam, Reid, and Theo, who’s back from his month-long business trip, are always involved in family gatherings and celebrations.

We’re watching all the kids jump around in the bouncy house, and I’m trying my hardest not to think about Lizzie and how epically I’ve fucked up everything. Why couldn’t I just leave us as friends?

“So, are you excited for your welcome home party tomorrow night?” Liam asks, breaking me out of my internal spiral. “You’ve been ignoring our group chat these last few days. Have you muted us? My feelings are hurt.”

Reid gives me a pointed look that I decide to ignore. For now. As long as he’ll let me.

“You guys talk a lot. And I’m a single dad who just so happens to be renovating his house, so yeah, I’ve been ignoring your asses. Also, I told you guys I didn’t need a party. Nobody cares that much that I’m back.” I’m met with silence and looks of non-agreement. “Fine. At least not enough to throw a party for me. It’s not like I’m coming back from war.”

“True, but everyone is really excited about it, and we all want to go out and have a good time,” Theo says with a pleading look. “So just humor us, please.”

---