Page 78 of Under My Skin

“Hey, Mom and Dad. We’re going to have a girls’ night at Ellie’s, so I’ll be back tomorrow,” I yell out the window.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” my mom asks.

More than anything, I could use one of her hugs right now, but I can’t afford to fall apart when I just got myself under control. Just thinking about everything going on is about to set me off.

“I’m alright, Mom, don’t worry. Nothing the girls can’t fix,” I say with a too-chipper voice.

“Well, we’re here if you need anything, Lizzie. Anything at all.” My mom’s voice is stern but comforting, the look in her eyes telling me she knows something’s going on.

My dad must see that I’m holding my tears at bay, so he doesn’t offer anything but a nod and a smile. A simpleI love youfrom him will open the floodgates, and he knows it, so he offers his silent support instead.

Lia and I wave our goodbyes and drive off, my parent’s house still in view when a stray tear escapes and falls down my cheek. Lia reaches over and squeezes my knee, taking the same stance as my dad so I don’t break down any further.

When we get to Ellie’s apartment above Francine’s Patisserie, she has sushi waiting for us already and a bottle of wine uncorked. Since Lia filled Ellie in on what happened while I was showering, I’m fortunate enough not to have to rehash the humiliation of the day.

Not wanting to spend the night fighting tears, I give myself thirty minutes to talk about anything related to Cameron while eating my sushi, and then I promise myself not to bring him up again. I silence my phone and hide it in the bedroom so I’m not tempted to check if Cameron reaches out to me.

No good will come from setting myself up for disappointment or continuing to torture myself. It isn’t productive or comforting, and it will only make it worse. In fact, we all decide it’s best to keep guys off-limits as a topic of discussion tonight—even if I want to know what’s been going on with Ellie and Liam and the news of Lia’s guy drama at college.

But not talking about any of it feels freeing, though and by the end of the night, I come to terms with the fact that life will have to go on. It was great while it lasted, and I don’t regret it. I learned a lot about myself.

I keep telling myself that I should be happy and that some time with Cameron was better than none.

Except I’m not convinced of that.

At all.

36

CAMERON

After spendingtime with Addy and Mackenzie to make sure they’re okay, I move on to figuring out how to salvage my relationship with Lizzie.

I’m in love with Lizzie, and she needs to know that. She deserves to know that. I should have told her when I first felt it…even though I can’t even remember when that was. For some reason, it’s like it’s always been this way. It’s like we’ve been together for years, and I think that’s what scared me out of my mind. Especially when I realized it was the first time I felt that way about someone.

My life has been about failing for a while. I have a failed NFL career due to injury. My marriage to Renee was catastrophic. I failed my dad by not moving home sooner. I definitely failed Addy and Mackenzie by picking a shit person to be their mom. How would I know that what I have with Lizzie won’t end the same way?

When it comes to Lizzie, I realize that it doesn’t matter. Having her in my life is worth the risk.

The gym and the farm are something else entirely.

I know that if I shut down the farm, life will still go on, and my dad would want me to do what makes me happy. He wouldn’t think my legacy was about the land or the job—my legacy are my kids, and I owe it to them to be happy too and make sure they’re happy. Just like my dad. He did what he had to do to earn a living and provide for his family—he just so happened to like it, too.

In all the years we had together, and even right before he died and we talked about me moving back, he never once pressured me into taking over. He just wanted me and his granddaughters home.

So why am I struggling so hard to pull the trigger?

Screw this. Right here, right now, I’m making the decision to shut down after this corn season. I’ll sell off the machinery, and I’ll give every worker a hefty severance and a sparkling recommendation to any nearby farms as my apology.

And I’m making an offer on the old library. Wyatt thinks it’s perfect, and so do I. I’m not dragging my feet out of fear anymore.

I’m telling Lizzie I love her. I’m going to ask her to move in with me and then, in a few months, I’ll ask her to marry me. If I can wait that long, that is. Because with every molecule in my body, I know what I have with Lizzie is right. She’s my happily ever after, and I need to start treating her that way. I’m not wasting time starting our future.

I take my phone out and decide to call Lizzie. I know she won’t want to see me in person right now, so I’m going to give her the physical space she asked for. Even if I don’t like it.

It rings and rings and finally goes to voicemail. I don’t leave one, deciding on a text message instead.

Me: I’m sorry. I know that I’ll never be able to say this enough, but I need you to know that I regret everything I said. I meant none of it. You have to believe me.

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