Page 194 of Heartbeats & Highways

“You’re already going through it, Savage. I don’t want to add to your stress.”

“We never talked about it,” Savage said quietly. “Not really.”

“You walked in just after the worst of it,” I said with a sigh. “You saw everything. I didn’t think there was really a point of rehashing it.”

He waited and I knew he wasn’t going to give up. Not until I told him how it was making me feel.

“It’s the same nightmare,” I said quietly. “I wake up in a room, strapped to a table. My stomach is big. Really big. And it’s—you can see my stomach move because the babies are ready to be born. Only I don’t get to have them. The Grand Patriarch is standing over me and he’s cutting open my stomach and stealing my babies from me. He laughs and laughs, completely unhinged as he pulls them from my body. There’s blood everywhere and I try to scream and make him stop . . . and then I wake up.”

He stared at me and then his expression darkened. “You’ve been keepingthatfrom me? Jesus Christ, woman!”

“What are you going to do?” My voice cracked. “It’smynightmare. It’s not real. It didn’t happen. Well, I mean, I did wake up strapped to an exam table.”

“Evie . . .”

“And Iwasexamined against my will . . . but the club found the doctor and it’s over.”

“It’s over,” he agreed. “But not forgotten. You don’t just move on from that.”

“No. That takes time,” I agreed.

“I’ll hold you, babe. And tell you that you’re safe, that the babies are safe. And when we get to Idaho, I’m teaching you how to shoot.”

“I know how to shoot.”

“What?”

I raised my brows. “I lived on a farm. There were coyotes.”

“And you didn’t think to shoot your husband and be done with it?” he asked.

“The thought briefly crossed my mind. But if I got caught it would’ve been premeditated. And if I didn’t get caught, then I still would’ve had to dispose of his body. I still would’ve had to go on the run.” I suddenly started to laugh. And laugh. I laughed so hard my sides began to hurt.

Savage just stared at me.

“Oh God,” I wheezed. “I’m so messed up!”

“Why? Because you thought of murdering your husband prior to actually doing it?”

I shook my head. “No. I just never thought I’d be able to say it out loud without being sick. I’m certifiable, aren’t I?”

“No,” he said softly. “This is what it’s like. I told you it would come at you in weird ways.”

I bit my lip pensively.

“What is it?” He asked as he brushed a strand of hair away from my cheek.

“Why haven’t we been intimate?”

“We haven’t been intimate for several reasons,” he murmured. “I cleaned blood from your face. I sat in the bath with you while you shook. You need time to heal, Evie. There’s no rush. And you can’t rush it, even if you wanted to.”

“Are you telling yourself that as much as you’re telling me?”

“Yes.” He paused. “But this is different. Acid’s death . . . that’s my fault.”

I wouldn’t give him empty platitudes. But I didn’t want to make it worse by agreeing with him.

“You know what Prez told me?” he asked after a long silence. “I was sitting there, and they were weighing this against all the things I’ve done . . .”

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