Page 82 of Cross My Heart

If I stayed, I don’t know how I would react to her pain. Whether I’d feel pity and try to comfort her, or whether I’d be a smug asshole. I want to be on board with Tyler and not want her to hurt, but it’s hard. I’m bitter about how the last decade has gone, and I firmly believe Ty and I would’ve been together this entire time if she hadn’t asked him out. I’d give anything for things to have played out differently, but it wasn’t my choice at the end of the day. It was up to Tyler to make a choice, and he did. I’ve just been the one to live with that choice as much as he has.

We’ve made many mistakes over the years.

Tyler has cheated on Scarlett repeatedly with me. We’ve lied. We’ve been fucked up people. But all of it has been in the name of something deeper than I’ve ever felt in my life—at least on my end. What I feel for him is something I’ve tried to fight for a long time now. I’ve tried to keep it buried. I’ve tried to be the better person. But I can’t—Ican’t. And it fucking kills me. Because around him, I have no self-control.

I can’t even breathe whenever he’s gone.

And I never thought I’d live to see the day when he choseme.

She’s supposed to leave tomorrow, so I’ll show back up when she’s gone and have a serious conversation with Tyler. We need to talk this out and see where we stand. Because for me, this is life-altering. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted, what I’ve been waiting for. And I’m done waiting one more second. I need to know that he’s finally mine, that I can finally be sure he and I are solid. A done deal. The real thing. But I don’t feel right doing that while Scarlett is under the same roof as us. I’m not really sure why that is anymore. It’s not like we’re ever going to be friends again—definitely not after this. Not after she believes I stole her husband when the truth is, he was never hers to begin with.

Tyler Levi Hayes has always beenmine.

Heart, body, and soul.

His mind just took a little longer to catch up.

Taking a swig of my beer, I relish in the taste as I stare out at the night sky. We’re about an hour outside of the city, and the stars are shining brightly. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone camping, but River loves it, so I agreed to go. We’re sharing his tent with air mattresses, so at least it won’t be uncomfortable, and I won’t have to sleep on the ground. Not that I’m a stranger to sleeping on the ground. I just prefer not to do it if it’s not necessary. Sleeping reminds me of work, and right now, I’d do just about anything to forget anything related to it.

The nightmares have been constant, coming as soon as I close my eyes. But they’re repeated as if on a loop, the same moment over and over. It’s the image of Jeremiah dying in front of my eyes. When he was blown up, then when I dragged him under the tank to shield him from the flying bullets, only to have one go between his eyes. That haunts my waking moments too, and I find myself having to take my anxiety pill more often than not. I wish I didn’t remember anything, but I know living in ignorance is selfish. Especially to all my friends who fucking died for their country.

“Are you ever gonna talk or…?” Riv chuckles, effectively breaking me out of my thoughts. “You’re awfully quiet.”

“I’m sorry.” I shake my head, taking another drink of my beer that’s almost finished. I chug it down until I finish it, then continue, “I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Like what?” I look over at him, debating whether I should answer his question. “Wouldn't have anything to do with a pretty blue-eyed boy you’ve been in love with your whole life, would it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, come on.” He huffs. “No one isthatstupid. We’ve all noticed the way you look at him. Even if you’ve never told me about it.”

“There’s nothing to say,” I lie. “He’s married to someone else.”

“And yet he’s clearly in love with you too.” River smirks, as if he knows something. “Everyone knows it.”

“What do you know?” I raise an eyebrow. “How?”

“He told us all.”

“Excuse me?” I choke on my spit. “When?”

“When he dropped you off.” He rolls his eyes, and my stomach flips. “He said he was leaving Scarlett because he wants to be with you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,oh.” He chuckles. “It’s cute how you want to pretend you’re not excited right now for him telling all of us.”

I am excited but also confused. Why would he tell them that early? “Who all did he tell?”

“Everyone in the group.” He shrugs. “Cash, Luke, Austin, Brandon.”

“Holy shit.” I breathe, because that is the whole group.

“No one was surprised if you’re wondering,” he continues. “We’ve all seen how jealous he got back at the graduation party when you went upstairs with Christian. We also saw how he followed y’all.”

River raises an eyebrow, and I chuckle.

“Yeah, he was jealous,” I admit.

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