Page 52 of Shot For Mercy

It’s been three days since Matteo walked out of my life, and I’ve never felt so empty. The house is unbearably silent. The last time he was away like this was when Cole rejected him, but at least I knew he would come back, eventually. Now I know he won’t. I went into his room earlier today to find it completely empty. He retrieved all of his belongings while Cole and I were at work, and I can’t blame him for doing it while we were gone. We probably would’ve ganged up on him and not let him leave. I don’t want him to be gone, but at the same time, I understand where he’s coming from. Even if he’ll never understand why I’ve done this.

I know I’m selfish, fucked up. I’ve done the unforgivable, but Iamsorry. I can’t regret it, though. Having Cole—it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. A partner who understands every part of my life. Someone to hold me up when I’m down, and I’ve never been so low in my entire life. He’s been there for me in every way I’ve needed him, and I’ve done the same for him. When he held me in that hallway while I was breaking down, I knew he was it for me. I have never in my life allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of anyone but my brothers. But with Cole, it felt right. Like he’d understand. And he did, breaking down along with me. He picked up my pieces afterwards and tried to put them back together. Those pieces are jagged still, but he’s trying so hard, and I want to try for him too. I have to trust that the hardest thing I’ve ever done is the best decision of my life.

Maybe we’re moving a little fast, but Cole has moved into my room. His room is now a guest room, and all of his belongings are now in our closet. Nothing has ever felt so right, and I want him to sleep in my arms every single night. He seems happy about it, even though there’s a lingering sadness in his eyes. I know I put it there when I made him choose. Maybe Matteo would’ve changed his mind if Cole begged enough, but him begging anyone but me made me feel even more possessive of him. I couldn’t stand him begging my son. Someone who has been inside of him. This ugly green thing crawled inside my body and took over—jealousy. I can’t deny that’s what I felt. Like I was competing for Cole’s affections, and it made me fucking crazy.

What Cole and Matteo had bothers me. Not their friendship, but the physical aspect of it. It makes me feel like I’ve stolen something from my son, and yet Cole doesn’t love him back. So, I know I’m not taking him away, not really. But tell that to Matteo, who believes Cole is it for him. I know with time he’ll get over Cole, but I don’t think he’ll ever get over my betrayal. I know I deserve it, but fuck, he’s my son. I wish he’d give me a chance to explain that Cole is it for me. That he could be the love of my life, and that I want to find out. That I want to give us a fair shot. And I can only hope it works out now. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ve lost too much over this. Which is why I can’t lose him. I won’t let it happen.

Luna’s Den burning down opened my eyes to my feelings for Cole. When I heard of the death threat, I couldn’t fucking think straight. The only thing running through my mind was that I couldn’t lose him. That I’d give up my fucking life for his. I’m not a masochist, but the thought of living without him is too painful to bear, and I don’t really want to dissect that right now. Is it possible to be in love with someone so quickly? I thought it was purely physical, but fuck, I was so wrong. I’ve felt the shift between us, and in my moments of weakness, I think of what if. What if I said those words to him? Would it be the end of the world for me? Would it kill me to be in love? A few weeks ago, I would’ve said yes without a doubt. But now I know the answer is no.

I don’t know what name to give these feelings. All I know is that they make me feel warm inside. Like everything is going to be alright by his side. But they’re dangerous—these feelings. Because I also feel desperation. To shield him from life. To make sure he doesn’t get hurt. Which is why I’ve forbidden him from going anywhere without me. It’s the smart choice, even if he can’t see it right now. I know he’s desperate to be independent, not caged again. But I can’t let that happen until the Russians are taken care of. I lose control when I’m not next to him, and he won’t be the reason they win this war. Over my dead fucking body.

I can’t stop us from living our lives, though. Which is why, even if it’s not perfect timing, I’m taking him out on a date. I’ve never dated before, but he deserves this. What I did before doesn’t matter, though, because it’s in the past. I can’t help but think about the meaningless relationships I’ve had. The women that have come in and out of my life, a notch on my bedpost. Like a revolving door, they came and went. It’s not like that with Cole.

There’s something about him that makes me want to crawl under his skin and take residence there. I want to hold him hostage and never let go. If he lets me, that’s exactly what I’ll do. For the first time in a long time, I don’t want to force things. I want them to progress naturally. I want him to be with me because he wants to. And he seems to feel exactly that way about me, too. Even if we rival each other in jealousy and possessiveness. He’s a little over the top, just like me. I used to think that would end in disaster, but I don’t anymore. We’re two peas in a fucking pod.

Cole is sitting across from me, wearing a suit and looking fucking edible. His hair is slicked back, and his clear-blue eyes stare at me from across the table. There’s a slight blush to his cheeks, bubblegum pink, and I smile at him. He’s beautiful and all mine. All fucking mine. I can’t help but reach out to him, and he grabs my tattooed hand over the table.

I decided to take him to Giovanni’s, my brother’s restaurant. It’s five star dining, and Cole deserves the best of the best. The Italian food is amazing. Plus, it’s also guaranteed to be safe. Nothing will happen to him here.

I look around, taking in the exposed brick walls, the low lighting. The tables with white tablecloths, candles separating us. It’s all very romantic, and once upon a time this could’ve never been me. Now, it’s different. I don’t know what’s come over me, but I want this. Candle lit dinners and weekend getaways. Maybe even a vacation with him. Who the fuck even am I anymore?

The waitress comes around with an expensive bottle of champagne, pouring us each a glass. Cole smiles at her, and for a brief moment, I want to claw her eyes out when she stares at him for a little too long. But then I remember he only has eyes for me. Hell, he risked his most important friendship for me. If that doesn’t mean he cares, I don’t know what does. Although I know how he feels. It’s more than caring, and it makes me feel some type of way. It makes me fucking crazy to think that he’s in love with me. It also scares me that I’ll become clingy, because I’ve never been that person before.

Nicole, the waitress, walks away. I grab the champagne flute and hold it up, and Cole clinks his against mine. “Cheers,” I say softly. “To us.”

Cole’s eyes sparkle in the dim lighting. “To us.” He grins. “To forever.”

That simple word makes my stomach flip.Forever. Am I ready for that? I have to be. I’ve given up everything I care about for him. The only person who matters to me over everyone else. Everyone else except forMatteo.

“Tell me something,” I say to him, looking right into those glacial eyes.

He raises an eyebrow and smirks. “What do you want to know?”

“Anything,” I reply, taking a sip of the champagne. He does the same. “Something I don’t know.”

“That’s going to be hard, Em.” He grins. “You practically know everything about me.”

“Not everything.” I smile fondly. I do know a lot, though. How he bites his lip when he’s thinking hard. He runs his hands through his hair when he’s frustrated, and his hands down his face when he’s angry. He goes to sleep early and wakes up before the sun rises. I know all the little things. But do I know the things that matter? “Tell me about prison.”

“I studied French and Spanish while I was in there.” He bites his bottom lip as he thinks, and my heart does this weird little flutter at the sight. At the knowledge that I still know him. “I also earned a bachelor’s degree in business administration.”

“I didn’t know that.” I smile. “Maybe you can take over one of the businesses.”

I don’t even think as I say it. All I know is that he’s sticking around, so it makes sense to give him something of mine. Something to keep him occupied, so he feels like he’s worth something. He likes being busy, always has, and he seeks validation too. I can give that to him. I can give him anything and everything he needs.

Cole’s eyes widen. “Really?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “I’m burned out, anyway. It would make sense.” I shrug, and his smile lights me up from the inside out. “Running the real estate business is a lot. Gio has the restaurant, and my other brothers had the brothel. But I still manage the club too, which is exhausting.”

“What are you saying, Em?” His hands shake on the table, and I reach out and steady one of them.

“I’m saying, if you want to, you can take over the club,” I tell him. “I want you to.”

“Fuck.” He looks away. “I don’t know if I’m good enough, Em. What if?—”

“Nonsense,” I say softly, squeezing his hand once more. “I’ll train you.”

Cole nods. “Okay.”

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