Page 47 of His Kingdom

“You’re cold, Fuck. Shit.” I jump up off the stool, run into the living room, and pull the throw blanket off the sofa. I bring it back and wrap it around Charlotte’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry,” I tell her. “I’ll get you some food.”

“Louie, stop. I’m fine. Really, I’m not cold and I’m not hungry,” she says.

Ignoring her protests, I set another tray in the microwave, keeping my back to her while I wait for the timer to go off. I’m trying to control my need to wrap her up and hold her close to me. I want to apologize for failing her already, for letting her go hungry and cold. That never should have happened.

What the fuck am I doing?

I startle out of my thoughts when the microwave dings. I take the food out, place it in front of Charlotte, and hand her a fork. “Eat. You should never have to feel hunger,” I tell her. “I won’t let you go hungry.” Then I reclaim my seat and pick up my own fork again. Mindful of how fast I’m eating this time.

“Louie, what’s wrong?” Charlotte asks me.

“I shouldn’t have let you go cold and hungry. It won’t happen again,” I repeat.

“I don’t know what happened, but I really am fine,” she says. “Something else is going on. Talk to me.”

I look at her. I can’t tell this woman how fucked up my head really is. I’m trying to keep her here, not fucking scare her away.

“Louie, you know part of having a girlfriend is having someone you can talk to, someone who will listen without judgement,” Charlotte continues.

“I’ve never had a girlfriend before,” I admit.

“Like ever?” she asks.

“I’ve never wanted anyone to get too close, to see how fucked up I really am,” I explain.

“Well, I’m here, and I’m pretty close, so how about you tell me just how fucked up you really are?”

“I can’t. I don’t want you to run.”

“At this point, I’m pretty sure you’re some kind of mobster or underworld criminal, and I’m still right here. If that hasn’t made me run, what else do you think could?” she asks.

My lips tip up slightly. If only she knew I wasn’t just part of the underworld. Iamthe underworld. “I… My mother was a whore, Charlotte. When I was a kid, she’d leave me in alleyways while she went to work. She always came back for me. Until she didn’t. I was there for two days before police found me.”

Charlotte stays quiet. She doesn’t look at me with disgust or pity. “How old were you?”

“Eight,” I tell her. “I have this recurring nightmare of being in that alley. I always wake up starving afterwards.”

“Okay,” she says.

“Okay?”

“See? Talking? It’s okay to talk. I’m still here.” Charlotte smiles at me, and I swear I feel some of my tension break off and fall away.

“I wasn’t alone in the dream this time…”

“Who was with you?”

“You.”

“Me?” she asks.

“You were scared, cold, and hungry. I couldn’t keep you safe. I couldn’t provide for you.” I shake my head, annoyed with myself all over again.

“It wasn’t real,” Charlotte tells me.

“What if it was? What if one day it is? What if keeping you here is a mistake?”

“Do you feel like this is a mistake?” Charlotte climbs down from her stool. She swivels mine around and steps between my legs. Her hands land on my bare chest. “Does this feel like a mistake to you, Louie?” she repeats before her lips press against the middle of my chest.

---