Page 70 of Emerald

It’s so much easier with Kroaicho. I just say whatever I want, since everything is going to sound strange to him anyway. And he lights up with clear emotional responses. Mostly purple or blue… but, still.

I’m terrible with humans.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, I chant to myself.

“How did you get so smart, Liv?” she says and my chanting stops instantly.

Wait. I said something right?

She huffs out a breath. “I see your point, but… well, that elf-like alien… he tried to um, well you know.”

I blink, then catch up to what she means and anger surges. “Did Kuret kill him?”

“Yes,” she says, voice firm. “It was the most violent thing I have ever seen in my life. It was like he… enjoyed it.”

I gulp, then decide to admit to some of my own guilt. “I killed when they held me in the cells. I… I really liked the way it felt too.”

My eyes are locked to my hands, afraid of what she will say, shoulders tense.

She puts a hand on mine and luckily I see her movement in time to keep myself from flinching.

“It’s okay, Liv,” she tells me in a gentle voice. “I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. I mean, I don’t think I feel quite the same thing Kuret does, but I can’t deny that there is satisfaction when I see one of the hunters die.”

My anger surges even higher, and not just because she’s touching me. What she’s told me about this being a hunting ground makes my blood boil.

“Anyway,” she says with a huff. “Sorry to lay all of this on you, but you are so easy to talk to.”

I am? Usually people just tell me how stiff I am and I avoid them. I’m not sure that she’s being objective about me…

“I can let go of that guilt. What still bothers me,” she continues, “is that it was no time at all between someone trying to force me that I slept with Kuret. It doesn’t feel right.”

"Come on, Rin,” I challenge. “You're acting like there is only one way someone can respond to trauma. That's just what society says, not what actually happens."

"But jumping straight into bed with someone right after…" She shudders, seeming lost for words for a moment before continuing without naming it. "…that?"

"Why not?” I ask. “Are you supposed to be afraid of it your whole life? Is that the 'proper' response?"

"Some people are! You shouldn't mock them,” she chides.

"I'm not, Rin. I would never mock someone's fear. All I'm saying is you're going to process it the way you need. Again… we are circling. Do you regret sleeping with Kuret? Choosing him?"

"No. But…"

"Alright, then let’s stop the nonsense, Rin! Maybe you wouldn't have done it so hastily outside of a crash landing on a fucking alien planet and someone almost taking it from you forcefully. But… can't you see how those very things might make it seem even more important for you to get to choose?"

She blinks slowly, absorbing my words, but her body is still tight. A frisson of anxiety goes through me as I wonder if I've gone too far, not sure what her face is trying to tell me, but I ignore my fear.

I take a deep breath and double down. "It's like with grief. Society says you're supposed to show up for the funeral, act in certain ways, speak certain ways. But the person is dead. They don't care; it's just all the other people there expecting something from someone. Except, what about the people who know, deep down, that the funeral will make their grief process worse? What about the people whose grief shows up as being reckless?"

Her face twitches. "I did that," she whispers, "after mybabadied."

"Sure,” I tell her, on a roll now, “and it was what you needed at the time. Or what about people seeking relationships as quickly as possible to fill the void their partner left behind? Be too quick and people judge, wait too long and they nag. We're talking about people's judgement, not about what someone needs or what is 'normal,' because there is no one certain way to process trauma, Rin. It's messy and terrible and we just get through it."

She lets out a long breath. “I see what you mean, Liv. I was reckless when I came here, too. It was a form of grieving, except not just my parents, but… my whole life. But that doesn’t mean I need to punish myself for it, does it?”

“Exactly,” I respond, glad she can see my point.

“You really are the most—”

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