Page 63 of The One Before

“Where do we go from here?” I ask.

“I’m going to go on living like normal. I’m happy with our life, Madison. I’m happy with you.”

“What you told me about Laura… what you did…” I struggle to find the right words. I’m appalled by what he’s done, but he’s still the man I love. Since the first day I met him, he’s been a murderer. Yet all I saw was his kindness and maturity and dependability. I’m conflicted. “I’m not sure I know you anymore.”

“You do, Madison.” He kneels in front of the bed, resting his hands on my legs. “You know me better than anyone ever has. That’s why I told you. I trust you to accept what I’ve done and love me regardless.”

“I can’t accept what you’ve done, Coop.”

“You have to understand the person I was back then was different from the person I am today. I was jaded because of Celia, and I was too young to properly process it all,” he continues. “I’ve never been a violent person. What happened with Laura was a huge mistake. I live with the pain of what I’ve done every day. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about turning myself in.”

“Then why haven’t you?”

“A confession will only hurt the people I love.” He looks away and clenches his jaw. “Besides, it won’t change anything. My confession won’t bring Laura back.”

“Why tell me any of this?” I ask. “There must be some part of you that wants to admit the truth.”

“I’ve carried these secrets long enough. It wouldn’t be fair to marry you without giving you the chance to walk away.”

“Is that what this is?” I ask, sitting up straighter. “My chance to leave you?”

“If that’s what you want. Turn me into the police. We’ll call off the wedding and you can move back to Atlanta.” He pulls my hand and holds it against his chest. “Or you can forgive me. You can accept that I did a horrific thing over a decade ago. A horrific thing that, in some ways, made me a better person. And we can move forward.”

“Move forward.” I laugh over the pure lunacy of the suggestion. The idea we can keep living our lives like nothing happened. In the back of my mind, there’s a tingle of fear. That this whole conversation is a trick, and if I give the wrong answer, I’ll be punished.

“You don’t have to decide right now.” Coop stands and returns to his chair. “And you don’t have to be afraid of me, Madison. I’ll accept your decision, whatever it is.”

I don’t know what to say to him. I’m afraid to leave the bed. “Does your family know about Helena?”

“They still believe Celia’s mother was posing as Anne. They know we had an argument because Regina saw you storm off, but I didn’t tell them what it was about.”

I picture the beautiful faces of the Douglas family. Each one with their quirks and secrets. There are more people involved in this decision than Coop and myself. I think of Helena’s face, too. Her desperation to be proven right. I could give her that, if I had the strength.

“How can I trust you?” His confession aside, he drugged me last night. Yesterday revealed a side of Coop I never knew existed. “I don’t know how.”

“Do you love me?” He looks at me. There’s no anger in his face.

“Yes,” I answer, honestly. “But I’m scared.”

He looks out the window, leaning against the wall. “No one can do what I did and be proud. But I know I love you, Madison. I love you enough to tell you the truth, despite the fact it can ruin everything I care about.”

“Can I take a shower?”

“You don’t have to ask my permission. Do what you want.” Coop chuckles, then turns serious. “I’m sorry for slipping something in your drink. I only did it to protect you. I wanted to have a calm conversation. Not react on emotion.”

I exit the bed slowly, walking closer to Coop to cross over to the bathroom. I’m afraid he might grab me, but he doesn’t. He keeps staring out the window. In this moment, he’s at peace.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “If you leave me, I’ll understand. It won’t be easy, starting over again. I’m sure you’ll move back to the city and piece together the life you had. Maybe one day you’ll be happier. It’s obvious you’ve never been very happy here.”

I close the bathroom door and lock it. I lean against the frame and release a deep breath. It feels like I’ve been holding it in for days. I can’t decide what my next move should be. I still very much love the man standing on the other side of the door. Those feelings haven’t disappeared, despite what he told me.

I stay in the shower for a long time. I think about what he said about my return to the city. It wouldn’t be an easy transition. I’ve not worked in months, and I insisted on pouring a big chunk of my savings into the wedding. I’d be starting off in a far worse position than I left, not to mention the added emotional turmoil of knowing my fiancé is a murderer. Ex-fiancé. Ah, I don’t know what to think. Deep down, I know what should be done, but acting on that decision will be difficult.

Eventually the images of the Douglases and Coop and Laura fade away. The one face that remains in my mind is Helena. All these years she’s suffered from not knowing what happened to her daughter, and yet, she’s known the truth all along. She tried telling me Coop was involved. She was right. But like Coop said, knowing the truth won’t bring Laura back. And turning Coop in won’t erase the love I have for him. In some ways, it would be easier if he was a madman with threats and danger. But he’s not. He’s just my Coop.

Forty-Nine

Madison

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