Page 42 of Ancient History

Sad but true, Pop was my closest friend in Sourwood. I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I talked about tonight.

“Oh?” He sat up as best he could. His wiry eyebrows raised slowly. “Did you have a good time?” He was being cautious, something I should’ve been.

“I did, until the part where Amos and I were outside, and I completely blew it.”

“Uh oh. What did you do?”

“I really stepped in it, Pop.” A weight began to lift off my chest. I thanked whatever lucky stars there were that we had this kind of relationship. It might’ve been cringey to have him sign me up for apps, but when I needed him, we could talk without limits.

I told him about the flirting inside the bar, and the massage outside the bar, and how the earth opened up and presented this perfect moment for me to go in for a kiss…which I didn’t take.

“What’s the soccer equivalent of fumbling on the one yard line?” he asked.

“Pop.” I smacked a hand over my face, forever replaying the moment in my head.

“Maybe you didn’t want to?”

“I wanted to. I really wanted to. But we’re finally at a place where we’re talking again and on friendly terms. I don’t want to blow that up because I still like him.” I tapped my finger on Pop’s leg. It was time to be honest with myself. “I still love him. I don’t think I ever stopped.”

Was it possible to be in love with someone I hadn’t seen in ten years? Maybe love was like one of those diseases that stays dormant until an outside stimulus triggers it again. Amos was definitely my stimulus. His smiles, and the way we could joke and care about each other… I’d never had something like that with another person.

“Maybe he feels the same way.”

I shook my head no. “He’s moved on, Pop.”

“Is he with someone else?”

“No, but he has a whole life. He has a career and friends and a part of him will always hate me for what happened.”

“You don’t know that for sure. Hate is a strong word.”

“Well, I did a really shitty thing back in the day. I bailed on him when he needed me most. I was so scared.”We would’ve been scared together.I always thought dumping him like I did was cruel, but it was much worse. The past replayed in my head on a constant loop. “What if Seth Collins was right? What if this followed me around forever? What if it cost me my soccer career? What if you cut me out of your life? What if people tried to chase you out of town when I left?”

“You really thought that would happen?” Pop asked. “We have a gay mayor.”

“He was still married to a woman at that point.”

“You actually thought I’d cut you out of my life? Seriously? And you really thought people would chase me out of town?”

“When you’re closeted, you’re pretty much wired to prepare for the worst. You want to believe that people are good at heart, but when you see enough articles and viral videos showing how bigoted and cruel people can be, it leaves a mark. It makes you not able to fully trust people.”

Pop listened and cared, but he’d never truly get it. He sat up and wrapped me in a tight hug. I smelled his familiar Old Spice scent, and remembered how safe his hugs used to make me feel. But being an adult meant knowing that parents couldn’t protect you from everything.

“I choked tonight, Pop.”

“What were you afraid of?”

“That he wouldn’t want to kiss me back.” I wasn’t ready for that answer. I’d rather live in this what-if state, because if Amos rejected me, then any hope for us would be done forever.

13

AMOS

Julian: Someone’s birthday is in a week…

Everett: Birthday boyyyyyy.

Chase: All this means is that I have traveled around the sun once again.

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