Page 56 of Advanced Chemistry

“I’m sorry,” Chase said softly. Unlike most people who said that when they heard about my dad, it wasn’t a hollow refrain.

“You know what it’s like. Maybe that’s why I can be a competitive asshole, too.”

“You didn’t say anything outside Remix.”

“It’s not something I like to talk about. I don’t want it to define me. Most people don’t get it anyway. They try to empathize by saying they lost a relative when they were young, but it’s not the same.”

“It’s not the same at all! I hated when people said that. It was in no way an equal comparison. We didn’t lose our dads. They left. Having a relative pass on shares no similarities with a relative who is still very much alive and choosing not to be part of your life.”

“You don’t have to convince me, Chase. I didn’t feel like bringing it up at the bar. And I was still pissed at you for crashing my evening with Anton.”

“I didn’t crash anything. I was invited. There is a concrete difference. But I’m sorry all the same.” He reached out and rubbed a thumb over my hand.

“He was fucking seven months late sending a card with a twenty inside. You were there the day I was fucking born. You were the second person to hold me. You honestly don’t remember that day? You can’t even be bothered to make a fucking calendar reminder for yourself?” I ground my fists into my forehead, willing myself to find that calm and control I so craved. “Sorry. See, this is why it’s not worth talking about. I wish he’d stopped sending me cards altogether. It only hurts when I receive them.”

“He’d probably be relieved if you asked him to.” Chase bit his lip. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. You’re not wrong. He doesn’t need to send me a card. He gave the best gift any son could want: abandonment issues and a drive for perfectionism that masks an inability to connect with others.” I silently thanked my old therapist for helping me come to that realization.

“What a coincidence. My dad got that for me, too.” Chase cracked a smile. Was he just sarcastic? Stranger things have happened. “It was all somessy, and I told myself I wouldn’t add to the mess. I studied hard, focused on schoolwork. I gravitated to science because it was based in facts, not feelings. Molecules can’t break your heart unless they’re cancerous.”

“And didn’t it feel like we had to be even stronger and more put together because we were gay? Gay guys already have this internal drive to be the perfect sons because of shame, and now we had to be even more perfect in order to lift our families’ spirits.”

“I’d never thought of it that way, but you’re right.” Chase stared out on the water.

I really knew how to bring the mood down, although oddly enough, this conversation with Chase was cheering me up in a way I couldn’t explain.

“Hey, we’re here. We’re doing awesome.” I rubbed my knee against his, sending a burst of electricity up my leg.

“You know what was most frustrating?” Chase said. “My dad promised he’d teach me how to throw a baseball, but he left the weekend we were supposed to go to the baseball diamond. Knowing how to throw is something I wish I’d known, even though I never use it. Perhaps that’s why I was never interested in sports.”

“I can show you.”

“Didn’t you wrestle?”

“I did Little League for years as well as basketball and hockey.”

“My Lord, you did a lot of sports. That seems redundant.”

“I wanted to stay busy, not think about my dad being across the country duhhhhh.” I brushed a lock of blonde hair from his eyes. It felt like silk in between my fingers.

I had him stand up, then handed him a sheet of paper crumpled into a ball. “Let’s play catch.”

I jogged a few paces away and got into catcher position. “Aim for my hand. Pull your arm back and release.”

“Are we actually going to have a game of catch? It seems the time has passed.”

“If I can still receive Elmo cards, then you can still play catch.” I felt alive, lighter than I had all week.

Chase hurled the ball into the air. Because of its low weight, it was unable to gather much acceleration and fell to the grass between us.

“That’s my bad. I’m too far away.” I got closer and tossed the ball back.

Chase pulled my arm back and flung the ball directly at me, landing it square on my chest.

“Good one!” I shook out my hand. “Damn, you got some speed on that one.”

“Every scientific law contradicts that.”

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