Page 80 of Advanced Chemistry

“I…might have uttered something while in a very heightened, emotional, compromised state.” He could barely look at me. He was just as nervous.

But he didn’t brush me off. He didn’t ditch me. Chase was here, having this awkward conversation. Good people stay.

“I caught Anton by surprise. And he’s supposed to be the one of us that likes surprises.” Chase squirmed on the bench. “Has he said anything to you?”

“Nope, but that’s Anton.”

I shuffled closer to him on the bench.

“When we were sophomores, Anton wore the same hoodie for a month straight. It started to smell. Be thankful he wasn’t in your class then. My locker was next to his. It wasn’t pretty. He said that he kept wearing it because it was comfortable. But I knew that was the hoodie his grandfather gave him the Christmas before. It was a corny, touristy hoodie from Rockefeller Center that Anton rolled his eyes at when he got it. He wanted an XBox. One month later, his grandfather died of a sudden heart attack. But Anton would never, ever admit that that was why he wouldn’t stop wearing the dam hoodie. It was just comfortable, according to him.”

“It’s obvious that he’s lying and that the hoodie was a representation of his grief over losing his grandfather, as well as guilt for not being grateful for the hoodie.”

“Ding ding ding. That is correct. Everyone knew that, but Anton wouldn’t let himself admit it. He’s not the best with that kind of stuff.”

“I’m assuming his emotional investment in our arrangement also falls under that quote-unquote ‘kind of stuff,’ too.”

“You are correct.” Anton was a great guy, but there were times when he used his charisma as a shield, shutting people out rather than welcoming them in. “I know that Anton cares about us, and he loves being with us. He’s just very anti-relationship.”

“Why? Humans are wired for it?”

“Not Anton.”

Chase scoffed. “You mean to tell me Anton is the exception to the approximately 109 billion of humans that have lived?”

“He does think very highly of himself. And it’s actually 117 billion humans.”

“You actually looked this up?”

I shrugged. “I have a thing for numbers. Any kind of numbers.”

He laughed over our shared nerdiness. People couldn’t believe I was such a numbers guy. The chiseled physique threw them off.

“Anton isn’t one for the parts of a relationship that aren’t sex,” I explained.

“He seems to love it. He’s a master cuddler. He’s the most excited of the three of us when it’s time to watch a movie on the couch. He bought me a new spatula for flipping pancakes because my old one was getting rusty. None of those scream sex.”

Maybe Chase had a point, and I hadn’t been looking hard enough.

“Anton says he doesn’t like things to get boring.”

“Huh. I find comfort in boredom,” Chase said, giving me a little breakthrough myself. Such a simple sentence could contain multitudes. “What about you?”

“I do.” For the first time, I let myself feel what I wanted to without restriction. I interlocked our fingers in a tight grip. “I’m falling in love with you, Chase.”

We gazed into each other’s eyes, and we were thinking the same thing.

“All that’s missing is Anton,” he said.

We sat in silence for a moment, unsure where to go next. Chase eventually shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh well. It’s for the best,” he said.

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s for the best that Anton doesn’t want this to go any further, whatever his reason. We enjoyed each other’s company socially and physically. We created memories that will last a lifetime. And perhaps that’s about as good as something like this can be. This was a highly illogical setup from the get go.” Chase stood up and patted my hand. “As students love to write in yearbooks, thank you for the memories. Have a great summer.”

He turned to walk away. I couldn’t believe he was actually walking away. A big light up sign inside of me that readWhat the Fuckblinked in my head.

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