Page 83 of Advanced Chemistry

“I meant what I said the other day. It wasn’t said in the heat of passion. It was said from the bottom of my heart.” Chase’s eyes went wide like a lost puppy.

“I love you, too, Anton. And I know you feel the same about us. We’re not going to let you run,” said Sebastian.

I sat on the bed. My heart kept beating wildly, enjoying this turn of events.

“We have a good thing going. Why do you want to ruin it?” I asked.

“How does this ruin anything? Love has proven over the entire human existence to strengthen relationships,” Chase said.

“Or make it hurt more when those relationships break apart,” I retorted. A quick pang of hurt ripped through me as I flashed to a world where Sebastian and Chase weren’t in my life.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Sebastian said. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Anton. You know that. None of us expected this to turn into something serious. But it has. It’s wonderful. I’ve never been happier doing a puzzle and eating pizza with you guys.”

Fuck. Those were good times. Just thinking about puzzles and pizza made a coziness full up my chest. It was home.

But I remembered where relationships lead.

“Things are on fire now, but what happens if you get bored?” I rubbed my forehead.

“We won’t,” Sebastian said.

“How do you know?” I asked. His confidence unnerved me. Sebastian was the guy who ran the numbers and triple-checked things. How could he be so sure? “What happens when you get bored of me?”

He and Chase traded a look of skepticism. “What?” they asked at the same time.

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “What happens when things stop being new and exciting? When I’m just a guy you’re dating and it’s not just sex? What if…” I pushed past the lump in my throat. Being this exposed was so not my thing. “What if I’m not enough for you?”

Chase squinted in confusion, another cute look on him. “I’m trying to deduce where you would have thought that, but I’m coming up empty.”

“See! That! You and Sebastian are brilliant, intelligent people. You use words like deduce in casual convo. I’m just a slick sales guy who knows how to close the deal but then hands off the account to customer success to nurture.”

“My lack of sales knowledge makes your metaphor hard to follow.”

Sebastian stepped forward. “Who says you aren’t intelligent, Anton? You’re one of the smartest guys I know.”

“Chase said that to me, too, but how can that be true? I’m a C-minus student. I don’t read scholarly articles like my parents. I can’t analyze numbers like you, Seb, or go deep on topics like you can, Chase. I’m the fun guy. I’m not the serious guy. Dudes want to fuck the fun guy, not date him, not make a life with him. One day, you’re going to realize that I can’t measure up to this dream guy image that’s in your head.”

Jesus, I just about word vomited every deep, dark feeling that’d ever been in my head. I’d been less exposed streaking in public that one time Bobby Diller dared me. Charming, cool guys could be just as insecure as neurotic headcases. Who woulda thunk it?

I couldn’t stay here, in this room, in this enclosed space with my guys and my feelings, letting the silence grow into a chasm. I reverted to what I knew best: being the fun guy.

“Let’s swim before the sun goes down,” I said. “Last one in the pool is a rotten egg!”

I charged out my bedroom door and raced into the water.

* * *

The last gaspsof sun sprinkled itself across the sky. Flecks of amber and red illuminated the pool. I made Chase and Sebastian go down our water slide after me to break the tension between us.

It would not break.

“Nothing beats a water slide, right?” I said, smoothing my hair back.

“Is that what you think?” Sebastian asked.

“I don’t think I’m alone in being a fan of water slides.”

“I’m not talking about the fucking water slide, Anton!” His eyes rivaled the sunset with their blaze of fire. “You had the confidence to start a business straight out of high school. You can talk for hours on end about sales and entrepreneurship. You have an incredible ability to read people. You’re loyal and you’re kind and you’re caring. How fucking dare you think you’re not good enough.” He moved toward me, swishing through the water like a shark. “I haven’t been in love with you all these years because you’re the ‘fun guy.’”

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