Page 87 of The Fireman and the Flirt

“No. I think of the man I want to be with.”

“I hate that they were talking about me.”

“If anyone ever brings it up again, I’m going to body check them so hard, they’ll be praying for the penalty box.” I put a hand on his shoulder. Contact. He didn’t shrug me off. “Cary, it’s okay.”

He looked up at me, tears clouding his eyes. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

My heart plummeted through the floor. The thought of having a wonderful future yanked away from me was a gut punch.

“Cary…please…”

“Am I overreacting? I don’t know. But what if you want to meet up with them again? What if they bring it up as a joke, and you laugh along?”

“I would never do that.”

“You say that, but what if you’re having some beers, having a good time, and a laugh escapes your lips? What if you share some new embarrassing story about me? What if everything is going great between us, and then it takes a turn, and you get mad and want to lash out? People already think I’m a weirdo. They’ll believe anything you say.”

“Cary. What? No. Where is this coming from? Do you think I would do any of that?” His anxiety had taken his mind hostage. All I wanted to do was save him.

“You say that now, but things can change.”

“You can trust me.”

Cary bit his lip, fighting back tears that begrudgingly rolled down his face.

“Cary, you can trust me.”

The silence was deafening, eating away at every magical moment we shared.

I wanted to break down that wall hardened around his heart, a wall put up to protect himself after past attacks. I could bang at it with a hammer all day and night, but maybe it was too strong for me.

I had a daughter to look out for. I’d managed to keep the dissolution of her parents’ marriage from her, saving her the added heartache on top of losing her mother. Even though Jolene had a good head on her shoulders, she was barely a teenager. Maybe it was wrong of me to risk bringing Cary into our lives when he could run away in a flash. She’d already dealt with one parent’s abrupt departure.

“I never meant to hurt you, Cary. If you want to live with your worst case scenarios and shut me out, I guess I can’t stop you.” I kissed him on the top of his head where his cowlick split.

I tried to make it work with Paula. Tried and tried and tried. But I learned too late that love was a two-way street. I couldn’t use force of will to make a relationship work. Not then. Not now.

27

DEREK

With one week to go until Christmas, I continued to keep myself busy so as to not think about Cary. I helped Jolene with her homework, which mostly consisted of checking her work and finding no errors. I put together a science kit for Quentin and Josh. I ate family dinner and smiled along with Cal and Russ’s lovely bickering and hid the crease of hurt that came from knowing I wouldn’t have that with Cary.

For Christmas Eve, Russ cooked an absolute feast. Turkey, potatoes, sides galore. I lost track of everything he cooked, but I ate it all. Smartly, I didn’t wear a belt, which allowed my stomach to expand. Like with Thanksgiving, I was incredibly grateful to be spending a holiday with family at a large, warm table.

“I’m surprised you didn’t invite Cary,” Cal said as we loaded the dishwasher together after the meal. Unlike him, I had watched Russ’s tutorials which were…surprisingly informative.

“Things have cooled on that front,” I told him. It was nice to be able to share this stuff with him now. I couldn’t keep holding it in.

“Oh no. Why?”

I shrugged, lost for an explanation. The shock of losing Cary so suddenly still had me turned around.

“I’ve got Jolene to worry about. A new house, a new job, newish town. I can’t be messing with a boyfriend.”

Cal loaded in a salad bowl, which I reversed in the opposite direction to make more room.

“Take it from me: don’t use your child as an excuse not to have a romantic life,” he said. “I did that for the longest time. I told myself I was being a good father. I was very good at lying to myself.”

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