Page 15 of Beneath His Robes

* * *

I blinked at the painful memories. Too many years had passed, yet the pain that his presence brought back now was as fresh as seeing him ten years ago with Maria.

The sterile scent of antiseptic filled the air, a reminder that I was still here, still alive, still breathing. My knuckles throbbed with each passing second, and the tight wrap the nurse had applied only seemed to make the pain more pronounced, more real.

I couldn’t shake the sensation of being broken—physically and emotionally. Was it always like this when someone hit something too hard? Ending up with bruises and pain?

The worst part was the reason I was in this mess. The reason I’d hurt myself—whether it was through boxing someone’s head like these people believed or the truth.

And there was ‘the truth’ standing there in the doorway, just watching me while Doctor Mitter attended to his mother’s broken wrist. I hadn’t expected him to show up here, of all places, and I didn’t know what to do with him anymore now than when he was in my confessional. After all these years, seeing him again felt like a punch to the gut.

Seriously, did he need to stand there so still?

I glanced down at my hand, the wrapped bandages starkly contrasting with the rawness I felt deep in my bones. I hated this. I hated showing weakness and needing help. But I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe…just maybe, it was a sign.

Has God put us together to patch up the past and hatred? Was this His way to test my faith again?

“Ronan…” my voice was rough like I hadn’t spoken in years.

“Are you okay?” he said, his voice soft but laced with something else, something I couldn’t place.

“I’m fine,” I muttered, knowing it wasn’t true.

How could I be fine when everything I’d ever wanted stood before me?

His eyes didn’t leave me, even when the nurse came over to wrap my hand more tightly and check the swelling.

I flexed my fingers, testing the bandage, wishing for some distraction from the weight of his gaze. I knew he was waiting for me to break, waiting for me to say something, anything.

Did he want an apology for kicking him out of my church?

Fat chance that would happen.

I hated that he still had this power over me.

After all this time, how could he just walk in here and undo every wall I’d tried to build around my heart, walls created solely because of him?

The nurse finished her examination, and Doctor Mitter took Miranda for X-rays, leaving us alone. After their mindless chatter and footsteps faded, I finally looked up and met his eyes.

I saw the uncertainty in them, the pain in how his jaw tightened and his hands clenched. He wanted to say something.

But I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it.

Not yet.

“You’re not fine, Elias,” he said quietly, his voice low, almost broken and angry.

He sounded like a petulant kid admitting to his faults. Ten years had passed, and in those ten years, I had walls around myself that no one, not even Ronan, could tear down, no matter how hard he tried.

“Why did you leave all those years ago?” The question slipped out before I could stop it. His face changed then, the guilt flashing in his eyes for a moment before he hid it.

“Staying wasn’t an option,” he whispered, stepping closer, his voice raw with emotion. “I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. I couldn’t be what anyone needed me to be.”

A flicker of something inside me fluttered, anger, hurt, maybe even hope, but I pushed it down.

“You are the one who told me to leave, Elias. Did you expect me to stay?”

“You didn’t have to leave,” I said, letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “I never wanted you to go. Not really. I was angry, and after you broke my heart, I wasn’t going near you…but your mom suffered without you.”

---