Page 54 of Beneath His Robes

But I didn’t.

And now, as we drove in silence, my mind kept pulling me back to that damn club, to the kiss, to the pull of Ronan’s presence. I wanted to hate it. I wanted to blame him. But the truth was, I didn’t.

I was angry at myself. I was angry that I had let myself want something I couldn’t have, something I shouldn’t have wanted. But that ‘something’ I craved with every fiber of my being. I needed him, and for that, I hated myself.

“You are so fucking selfish, Elias,” Ronan’s voice pulled me back to the present.

His words were quieter now, but they cut deeper. “My mom’s in the hospital, for fuck’s sake. You think I’m not dealing with that? I guess that hasn’t changed no matter how many years you still only think about yourself.”

I could feel his gaze now, even though I wasn’t looking at him. His words, his anger, his hatred—they carried a weight I wasn’t prepared for. He was right. He was carrying more than enough on his shoulders, and I was just a stupid priest getting lost in my own guilt and confusion.

I tightened my grip on the wheel, my fingers aching. “I know. I know, Ronan. But that doesn’t just…disappear,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady, even though the words felt like they were getting caught in my throat.

“I can’t just pretend that everything is the same. That I am not a hypocrite in these damn robes! You think I don’t want you? You’re wrong…but unlike you, I’m the one who’s going to have to live with this. With the fact that I kissed you. That I came for you. That it meant something I can’t?—”

I stopped, cutting myself off before I said too much, before it became too real, and that I would taint my soul forever.

Before I admitted that, part of me didn’t want it to stop. Even though I knew better, that part of me had wanted more of that kiss, more of him. Even though I had sworn, I would never let this happen.

Ronan’s voice softened, but the bitterness was still there, just beneath the surface. “I’m not the devil, Elias. I am just a man. Same as you. You’ve erased me before like I didn’t exist. I could never do that. What the hell else am I supposed to do? You want me to pretend it didn’t happen?

I can’t.”

I could feel the weight of his words hit me, and for a moment, I couldn’t answer. What was there to say? It had happened. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, it had changed things between us. My walls continued to spider with cracks, the time coming closer to when they would completely shatter.

I glanced at him finally, just a quick look. His face was tense, and his brow furrowed in the way it always was when he was trying to hold it together. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand the distance between us, how I had caused it, how everything felt like it was falling apart around us.

The way that, yet again…I was losing him.

“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted, the words finally spilling out. “I can’t just pretend this didn’t happen. That I didn’t love every damn second of succumbing to you…but I can’t…I can’t let it happen again either.”

Ronan was quiet for a long moment, the kind of quiet that stretched like a rubber band, ready to snap and harm us both in the aftermath.

“I don’t know either,” he finally muttered. “I don’t have time for this…thismessright now, Elias. I need to focus on my mom.”

And just like that, the moment passed. The kiss, the confusion, and the tension were still there, hovering between us. But now, it was buried beneath the weight of something bigger, something that I couldn’t push aside. If nothing else, I could get him back to his mother. I could fix one thing in the web of issues in my life.

We both sat in silence, the road still unwinding ahead of us, neither of us knowing exactly what the future would hold for each other—but somehow, knowing we were going to have to deal with everything when we got to the hospital. Together. Or not.

The truth was, neither of us could outrun what had happened. Not in that club. Not in the forest. Not now. Not ever. I had to find my path, and I had to commit to the pain that it offered.

Whether that was with Ronan…or my God.

ChapterEighteen

Ronan

The car came to a stop in the hospital parking lot, but I didn’t feel relieved. The moment we arrived, the weight of everything that had led me here hit me like a brick.

I wanted to get out of the car, wanted to escape the tension that was suffocating us, but the second I glanced at the hospital looming in front of me, all I could see was my mom—broken by the man she refused to leave, barely alive, strung out on fucking heroin.

Her bruised face, her body hooked to machines, and all I could hear was the sound of her ragged breath, the rhythmic beeping that haunted me for days. Too many times I had re-lived this scenario. Too many fucking times had I been in this hospital clinging to a parent that didn’t even care to live. I had to live for us both.

It hurt more this time. The fact I had her clean, had her showering, fixed up the trailer. This was a slap in the face for leaving. She should have come with me. She didn’t have to be here. Didn’t have to be fucking broken yet again by that monster.

“Hurry up,” I muttered, not even looking at Elias.

His presence felt like an added burden right now, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that he was still with me. He was still following me like some goddamn ghost, his footsteps heavy behind mine.

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