Page 99 of Beneath His Robes

But the words didn’t come.

Instead, I was silent, my eyes locked onto his, the world around us fading into nothing but the space we shared. I wanted him. I needed him.

That much was undeniable. And as much as I’d convinced myself I shouldn’t do this in front of Travis like this, I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. Not when his gaze was so open, so raw, so full of desire that it mirrored everything I felt inside.

“You’re so damn beautiful, Elias,” Ronan whispered, his voice low and rough. The words sent a shiver down my spine, but it wasn’t fear. It was something else—something deep and consuming. “The war in your eyes as you decide whether to let me pull you deeper into hell. It’s intoxicating.”

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to find the strength to push him away, to remind myself of the vows I’d taken, the path I’d chosen. The vows I had already broken. The last slightest strand of no return to the world, knowing I was damned.

But then his face was so close, his breath warm against my lips, and I welcomed his darkness, begging to be corrupted until all I knew was Ronan.

I leaned in slightly, my own lips just a breath away from his.

“Ronan…we can’t if Travis woke up to us…we can’t. Not this time,” I said again, but it was weaker this time, my voice barely a whisper.

I knew it was a lie. I knew I was seconds away from giving in. Ronan’s hand slid to the side of my neck, his thumb brushing over my pulse.

“I don’t fucking care about Travis. I want you. Let him tell people. I will fuck you at your congregation to claim my love for you if only you’d let me,” he murmured.

His lips brushed against mine in a feather-light touch, and it felt like an invitation—a permission. His voice was thick with desire.

“I’ve touched you already, Elias. I have felt how you taste when you’re filled with my sin. I want more. I need more.”

I could feel the pulse in my neck quickening and my heart racing in my chest. Everything in me was screaming that I shouldn’t, that I had to walk away before this became something I couldn’t undo.

But then his lips brushed against mine again, this time a little firmer and bolder. And I felt myself leaning into him, my own hand finding its way to the front of his shirt, fingers trembling as they brushed against the fabric.

For a second, I hesitated. I pulled back just enough to look at him, to make sure he understood what this could mean. My heart was beating so fast that I could hear the thrum in my ears.

“I’m not… I’m not a man you can just have, Ronan,” I said quietly, my voice strained, trying to make him understand, even though I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. Not really. “I can’t be that guy that holds your hand in a restaurant. If people knew what I’ve done…”

Ronan’s eyes softened, and I saw something in them—something deeper than desire. He wasn’t just looking at me with lust. There was care and that love that burned the brightest in how he gazed at me.

“I don’t want to take you away from what you’ve chosen, Elias,” he said, his voice quieter now but still intense. “I know this has consequences, but I will bear them. Please. I just want you. The whole you. The parts you keep hidden from others. The parts I have seen such small glimpses of. I’m not asking for anything more than that. Just you.”

I closed my eyes, my breath shallow. I wanted him. God, I wanted him more than I’d wanted anything in a long time.

But there were boundaries, and I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to keep them in place anymore. The way Ronan looked at me was so unguarded and open. It was too much.

I could feel myself slipping. My hands were on him now, tracing the lines of his chest and his shoulders as if remembering every sinful touch I shared with him. And when he leaned in again, his lips finding mine in a kiss that was slow and tentative at first, it was like everything in me broke apart.

I kissed him back. It wasn’t a decision. it was a response, a need. His hands moved to my face, cupping it gently, and I could feel his heart beating against my chest, matching my own rhythm. The kiss deepened, and the tension between us ignited into something more, something urgent, desperate.

But even as I kissed him, part of me was still fighting, still screaming in my mind that this was wrong—that this was a sin I would have to face one day. Travis’s snores were loud enough to block out our soft moans, but for how long? In this moment, in his arms, everything else faded away.

I wasn’t thinking about my vows. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences. I was thinking about him—the man who had stayed with me through all my darkness and shown me a tenderness I’d never thought I’d experience.

And I realized maybe this wasn’t about guilt. Maybe it was about wanting something that was real. That was why I gave in all the time before.

I pulled back just enough to catch my breath, my forehead resting against his.

“Ronan… I don’t know what this means. If he tells people about what we are,” I whispered, my hands still resting on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breath.

“It meanswemean something,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “It means that whatever happens, You are not alone anymore. That I have you.”

For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t sure if I cared about the consequences. All I knew was that I didn’t want to lose this. I didn’t want to lose him, even if it meant stepping into the unknown. Even if it meant Travis forced my hand to do what I knew was right.

His lips met mine again, and I knew there was no going back.

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