Page 44 of Beneath His Robes

“You’re not the first priest to wrestle with temptation, Elias. You’re not the first to question his vows. And you won’t be the last. I know how difficult it can be to reconcile the man you are with the man you’ve sworn to be. But the key is not in suppressing your feelings—it’s in understanding them. In seeking God’s guidance in the midst of your struggle and trusting that He will help you find your way.”

I clenched my hands tighter in my lap, the physical pain a poor distraction from the emotional turmoil. “I don’t know if I can go on like this, Father. Every day, I feel further from God. I don’t know if I’m doing this for Him anymore—or for the life I thought I was meant to live.”

Father Franklin’s eyes softened with compassion.

“That’s the crux of it, isn’t it? You must search your heart, Elias. Are you truly walking this path for God? Or is it for what you’ve convinced yourself is your duty?” His voice was firm. “Sometimes, the path of faith requires us to face our deepest desires and choose whether we are willing to submit them to God’s will. It’s not about denying your humanity but about accepting that in being humans, all our nature is against God’s will. It is up to us to choose. Free will, after all, is God’s gift to us all.”

A gift? Or a curse?

I was silent for a long moment, the weight of his words settling deep in my bones. What he said made sense, all of it made sense, but the conflict inside me felt insurmountable. I loved God. I loved my calling…but I also loved Ronan.

“I feel like I’m being torn in two, Father,” I said, my voice weak with the truth. “One part of me wants to surrender, to give in to him. And another part of me wants to stay true to my vows, to the life I’ve built. But the temptation is so strong. Every time I see him…it is yet another crack in my conviction.”

Father Franklin nodded slowly, his eyes kind but unwavering. “Elias, temptation is not a sin. What matters is how you respond to it. You must seek God’s will, not your own. And in time, He will show you the path you must take. But know this: you are not alone. You have your faith, and you have your community here. You have your vows, but you also have the strength to overcome this, whatever choice you make.”

I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath. The weight of my choices hung over me like a storm cloud, but there was a small flicker of hope within the darkness. I had faith. And even in the face of my greatest temptation, I would hold on to that. I had to trust that God would give me the answer he implored that I seek.

“Thank you, Father,” I said quietly, my voice steadier now.

Father Franklin offered a small, reassuring smile. “Remember, Elias, faith is not about perfection. It’s about perseverance. And forgiveness. The path you walk—no matter what they may be—you will not be alone.”

Father Franklin’s words lingered in my mind long after I left his office.

The old wooden doors of the church closed behind me with a heavy thud, and I stood in the dimly lit hallway, the silence swallowing me whole. The weight of my collar felt even heavier now, the fabric pressing against my skin as if it could somehow suffocate the ache in my chest. I needed to leave, needed to escape the church and the walls that had become a prison. But my feet refused to move.

Instead, my mind wandered, as it always did, to the one thing I couldn’t escape—Ronan.

I could see him clearly in my mind, standing there before me, his eyes dark with a desire that mirrored my own.

That night in the woods and, the cold air biting at my skin as snowflakes danced around us, the world blanketed in white. It felt like a dream. It was like time had stopped, and there was nothing but the two of us.

Ronan had been so close to me then, so alive.

I could still feel the brush of his breath on my cheek, the warmth of his hands as they cupped my face, drawing me closer. I could see his gray eyes spark when he tasted me, my body unable to resist him even then.

There had been no barriers, no distance between us, just the raw, undeniable pull that had always existed between us. And when his lips touched mine, it felt as though the world itself had ignited in flame.

I had been a priest then, just as I was now, but I wasn’t bound by my vows for those few moments.

I wasn’t Elias, the priest.

I was Elias, the man.

The kiss had started slowly, tentatively, as if neither of us could believe we were finally giving in to the feelings we had both buried for so long.

But it didn’t stay that way.

No, not when the years of restraint and longing broke free.

It was as if a dam had burst, and all the love, the want, the fire we had kept hidden came rushing out in that kiss. It wasn’t gentle. It wasn’t soft. It was desperate, hungry, a collision of hearts and bodies that didn’t know how to stop.

I remembered the taste of him, the way his lips pressed against mine like he was trying to pour every feeling he’d ever had into me, every moment he had ever missed. And when I’d kissed him back, I had no question left unanswered. At that moment, there was only him and me on that tree.

But then, just as quickly as it had started, reality had come crashing back, reminding me of the vows I had taken, the collar I wore, the promises I’d made. All of it slammed into me with the weight of a thousand regrets. We had pulled away from each other, our breaths ragged, the cold air no longer comforting but suffocating.

And I ran.

I told him to leave and left him in my parents’ driveway.

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