Page 8 of Beneath His Robes

She grimaced. “Bisexual. Ugh, what did I do to the lord to deserve such a confused son? You are so handsome, Ronan. You could land any gal out here, but you gotta go sticking that thing where it don’t belong.”

She poked at my crotch, and I stiffened, grabbing her fragile arm in my grip. She was so frail she could break with one wrong move. Dan didn’t have to hit her hard to snap her bones. I had to be careful not to do the same.

“It’s none of your business who I choose to be intimate with,” I warned, dropping her hand on her lap.

She sighed and turned her body to look out the window.

“Damn shame that what I made is goin’ to waste away in hell,” she mumbled, but I ignored her.

I’d lived my entire life in hell. What was different about dying in it?

ChapterFour

Elias

As Ronan walked out of the church doors, my heart broke that much more. Each step he took and reliving what he put me through made that visceral feeling of my chest ripping apart feel tangible.

I couldn’t breathe.

It was so stupidly hot in here.

Air…I just needed some fresh air.

I was an avid runner, but now it felt like the devil was chasing me as I bolted through the back door of the church. I couldn’t get enough oxygen to my addled brain. It was like I was suffocating on my past, choking on my memories, and drowning from pushing him away.

He deserved it, I reminded myself, wiping the tears that refused to stop falling down my face. He didn’t belong to me, and I didn’t belong to him.

“I belong to my Lord and Savior,” I whispered, trying to focus on my clasped hands as I bent at the knee to pray.

The wet concrete was unforgiving and abraded my skin. It was my punishment for my sins, thoughts, and body’s betrayal. I needed a chastity belt. If I caged my sex, perhaps it would not be so easily swayed by the voice of temptation.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and…we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

I chanted the bible verse over and over, rocking back and forth.

“Father Cross?”

I jolted upright at the sound behind me. It was the custodian. Glancing down at my clasped hands, I gasped. Quickly hiding my hands under my robe, I turned to Decan.

“Ah…Thank you, Decan. The hours slipped away from me out here. I, uh…was just getting some fresh air. It is quite hot in the sanctuary today. I apologize. I will take my leave now.”

Decan was a young man. He’d been working here for a few years now, having been offered the job by his mother, our secretary. Georgia had been here since before my feet ever graced the doorways. Decan was sometimes careless, and the cleaning could be done better, but I was not one to fuss about trivial matters.

Besides, I enjoyed a bit of cleaning. It was calming to wipe down the altar and spruce up the quiet area. Whether that was scraping off excess wax from the white candles that adorned the crucifix erected strong and tall in the center or blessing new water for the holy basin for cleansing…it didn’t matter to me.

Cleansing Ronan’s wild, untamed, dark, curly hair on his head would be…no, I was not going there.

But I must admit, he certainly looked more feral now than when he was a teenager. That was evident in his strengthened build, darkened gray eyes, and sharp points to his stubble-covered jawline. This man wasn’t a silly boy. He was a dangerous male.

How can you come back to me and create such chaos in my heart again? And why am I so breakable that I am falling prey to these thoughts and painful memories?

It wasn’t fair, but this was the life we were given. True peace was acceptance of the things we could not control and understanding that God would lead his army of the faithful to true divinity.

The parish housing wasn’t far from my place of worship, and Father Franklin had gifted me these living quarters years ago when my broken soul arrived on his doorstep. It wasn’t much, but it was mine. I felt true peace here, untouched by memory or temptations. I kept the space plain. There was a bed in my bedroom, a kitchen with simple food, and a living area with a soft couch, bookshelf, and television.

Undoing my collar, I carefully placed my robes to the side and undid my alb. I wondered if Ronan could see I was no longer the skinny man he once knew. If the muscles I’d worked hard for would somehow shine through the thick coating of my cassock…

Shaking my head, I sighed.

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