Page 62 of Trusting the Fall

“Can you look at each other again, please?” he instructs. “How you were before.”

My head turns to find Leif’s eyes again. His crystal blue gaze is already waiting for mine.

We don’t say anything more, his arms still banded low on my back from when he was swaying us. My palms rest against his chest, his heart drumming a steady pattern under my fingertips. His lips stretch into an easy smile as he looks down at me.

“What are you thinking?” he whispers.

“You first.”

His pause thickens in the air, halting my breath as I wait for him to answer.

“How do I keep you?”

I can feel my heart beating in my ears with his confession. My head feels heavy, my throat dry and raw as I force myself to swallow the fear that wants to take root. I lick my lips before answering.

“For how long?” I shrug. “I’ve never given anyone a chance to get this close to me. It all scares the shit out of me. How close we’ve gotten. Why should I risk more when in a few weeks, you could turn around and decide you’ve had enough of me, yet I could decide for the first time I want more with someone? How do I be okay with that? How do I brace for the inevitable fall not knowing if I’m falling for heartbreak or something else?”

Leif takes my words with care, his thumbs gently rubbing up and down against my waist.

“The same way I’ve been doing it since we met,” he says. “Like it’s completely out of your control.”

His honesty chokes me, renders me breathless. I look down to avoid his eyes. The piercing blue that I spend too much time getting lost in. Searching for the secrets they hold.

But all he’s ever given me is honesty.

I’ve been the only coward here. One foot in because I’m too greedy to give him up. One foot out because I don’t know how to give in.

I drop my head back. The lights strung across the street shine bright against the blackening sky.

“Hold your pose, guys. I’m almost done.”

I look at the sketch artist, then swallow my need to fly, and face Leif once more.

I can’t handle the way he looks at me with such patience. All the goodness I feel undeserving of. Surely another girl is out there, more worthy of this man’s devotion.

The thought alone puts a pit in my stomach. My fists bunch against his T-shirt as if they’re holding on. Refusing to give him up to another.

I loosen my grip, feeling my head turn dizzy as my body does one thing, but my mind says another. Then my heart tries to join the mix. The bitch has never had anything useful to say, but suddenly she’s standing up and demanding attention.

I shift my eyes away from Leif’s face and spot Parlour Tricks in the distance behind him.

Only some of the lights are on inside, so there’s a nice glow coming from the windows.

I had a sign made up with all the services we’ll be offering and put it in view for anyone walking by. There’s a Connors Construction sign near the front door, too.

As I look at the salon, I take in all the touches I chose to make the space the place of my dreams.

Then I think of all the ways Leif laid his mark there, too. Paint that was the perfect shade of pink. Changing the layout to give me more street exposure. Tiles that would stand the test of time. And even knowing I didn’t want tiles, he found those little pink mosaic flowers to inlay here and there. Showing me that when things don’t go my way, it doesn’t mean they’re ruined. I can still make it mine. I can still be happy. Love it, even.

Is this why I resist so hard?

Things didn’t go the way I expected, so now my brain thinks it’s ruined?

My heart thinks I can’t be happy with a new ending. A different version to what I planned for.

My skin starts to prickle with the exposure of my feelings. The admission of vulnerability. This is too much. Too heavy for me to hold right now.

“What are you scared of, Claire? Trusting your feelings? Me?”