Page 46 of Five for Silver

“Yes, she’s my sergeant, but more than thatshe’s my friend. We had a disagreement about this Vincentsituation.”

He breathed deep, taking in the scent ofcoffee, leather, and books. At some point, that unique smell hadbecome a comfort to him. In these four walls some of his secretswere allowed out, not all of them, and never the biggest ones, butpersonal secrets about what went on in his head.Ocean soundswere playing from the bookcase, far too soft for the topic heinched towards.

“I imagine she’s particularly worried.”

“Her way of expressing worry is to go on theattack, and she said something that struck a chord. I’ve tried toforget about it, and even reached out and texted her to make peace,but she told me,” Chad shifted his jaw from left to right, “shesaid she needs space from me, and she wants no contact between uswhile I work on the Whitehall case.”

He picked his nails and looked towardsthe window.

“I didn’t think her … rejection would hurtas much as it does, but I feel like I’ve lost a good friend.”

Now the words were out, he shriveled at howpathetic he sounded. He’d lost a friend. Big deal. He was an adultfor Christ’s sake.

“Would you like to tell me what the argumentwas about?” She caught his eye. “If you can tell me.”

He couldn’t discuss cases with her, Keeleyknew. Vincent was out of bounds, but Ally’s accusationsweren’t.

“She asked me whether I enjoyed being toyedwith by serial killers.” He swallowed. “She seems to think I do,and get some sick pleasure out of being their plaything.”

Keeley didn’t press, she waited, and Chadsighed and finished the last of the accusation, “She doesn’t thinkI can function unless someone is trying to destroy me and thinksI’m addicted to being tormented.”

“And what do you think?”

“She’s wrong.” His voice came out shrillerthan expected. He dropped his head into his hands and mumbled atthe floor. “At least that’s what I thought at first—that was myimmediate reaction—but now I’ve had a few days to think about it,and…”

“And?”

“I keep finding myself in these situations,where a killer has power over me. Where my sanity is at stake, butat the last second, I manage to keep hold of it, keep holdofme.” He shook his head. “And that is addicting, itfeels like winning, not just the case, but … I’m winningme.I tease a fall but save myself at the last second. Perhaps Ally isright. At some point in my life, I’ve decided being tormented andsurviving is better than having a comfortable timeliving.”

“Decided … or learned?”

“What’s the difference?”

“The countless rejections from your mother,but still desperate for a relationship with her. Would you callthat torment?”

Chad nodded. “I think I would.”

“It’s a learned behavior. You learned itfrom a young age, to desire attention from a bad person, who offersno warmth or safety. Serial killers are the extreme of that, maybethat’s why you struggle to keep your distance.”

“How do I unlearn it?”

“You interrupt the cycle. You take yourselfout of the situation, develop different habits.”

“That’s a little difficult at themoment.”

Keeley snorted. “I guess it would be in yourline of work.”

“I have more than enough money to stopworking. I could go anywhere, find a place where no one knows me,and do something else, and live my life without suspicious glances,whispers behind hands, and serial killers seeing me as a conquestto destroy. But I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I thought it was because I wanted to lockup bad people.” He smirked. “Like I was a hero, arresting theserial killers, making sure they couldn’t hurt anyone else, givingclosure to the families, reassuring the community that goodtriumphs over evil, eventually, but that’s just what I told myself.The real and only reason is that I enjoy working against them. Ienjoy the struggle.” He shook his head. “The good, the bad, and theugly parts. I want to beat them, despite how close I come to losingmyself. Does that mean Ally is right? Do I enjoy being tormented byserial killers?”

“If we imagine for a second, that Ally isindeed right, and you’re addicted to being tormented, that doesn’tmean you enjoy it. Think about other addictions, Chad. It mightbegin as love, then turn into a love-hate, then desperate hateyou’re unable to escape from. Does the despair you’re currentlyfeeling stem from the idea of being addicted to torment at thehands of serial killers, or Ally’s assumption that youenjoyit.”

“That I enjoy it.” Chad shuffled andgestured to his chest. The numbers were hidden by his t-shirt, buthe knew Keeley would understand. “I didn’t enjoy what Marc did tome. I couldn’t get out of that situation. I couldn’t save myself;It was Romeo that put a stop to it.”

Keeley’s brow pinched in sympathy. “Youstill see Romeo as the hero in that situation, but you must know bynow it isn’t true. Excuse the pun, but he was never yourknightin shining armor, Chad. He intended to kill Marc, notto save you.”

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