Page 22 of Just A Little Love

“Bunny, would you like it if we had some of these at the house?”

“Yes, please. They’re fun.” My eyes lit up, and I lifted on my toes and planted a quick kiss on his cheek.

“Done!”

We moved over to the train section and I had fun picking the tracks for the train to follow and blowing the station horn. I liked how the setup had little groups of people snowshoeing in the park or shopping on the main street. The city area of the model reminded me a lot of the downtown area of Almstead Island in the Sound. I turned to ask Daddy if he thought so too, but the look on his face stopped me in my tracks.

My dating life usually consisted of casual dates and short-lived boyfriends, so there wasn't much to compare, but the look he gave me felt tender. He looked like he was so pleased to see me enjoy myself. There was such satisfaction on his face, like him being the one to provide me with joy, was enough. Once again, I was struggling with my words, so I stepped over to him to wrap my arms around him. His arms came around my shoulders and hugged me back. He kissed the top of my head, and the sound of my contented sigh surprised both of us. It all felt so natural.

After leaving the train area, we wandered through a few more aisles looking at the toys. The drones did little for me, but the baby dolls were cute. I liked a few of them, especially the ones with pretty eyelashes that closed when you laid them down. Daddy probably wouldn’t care if I liked the baby dolls. It made me happy that dolls of all genders were available. Everyone needed a cuddle.

“Rory, do you like baby dolls?” Daddy’s voice was kind. I trailed my hand across the babies and moved them up and down to close their eyes. Their clothes were soft and felt nice against my fingertips. “We can get some if you'd like.”

“No, it’s ok, Daddy. I don’t want any babies.” I tried to make my tone upbeat and casual, but I wasn't convinced I pulled it off because he gave me a side-eye look. Of course, intellectually, I knew there was nothing wrong with liking baby dolls, but a long-forgotten memory of a babysitter yelling at me for playing with dolls like a sissy rushed back to me. “It’s fine. Let’s see what else is around.” I left the aisle and only looked back once. With luck, Daddy hadn’t seen me do it. The irony of engaging in a littleheadspace while I rejected the idea of playing with a baby doll didn’t escape me.

We made our way around the store and looked at more items. The overwhelming choice of options was almost too many options. I liked the puzzles, but didn’t fall in love with the options available. I wasn’t much for matchbox cars and trucks. As a kid, I liked to go on trips with them. My friends were always more interested in crashing them, which made me sad. I never liked the idea of someone being inside them, no matter how often my parents promised me no tiny humans were hiding in them.

When we got to the bookshelves, I plopped down and grabbed a few picture books from the shelves next to me. I had always loved to read, with boxes upon boxes of books at my parents’ house. There hadn't been room in my cramped apartment, and I didn’t want to bring them to Uncle Tobias’s house until I was certain I would stay. Daddy had already seen my secret love of YA fiction and picture books, but I rarely told anyone about it.

“Bunny, I would love for you to read all day and night, but we can’t. Make a stack of books you want and we can put them up at the register.

“Okay, Daddy. Gimme a minute to narrow them down to one or two, please.”

Daddy gave me a stern look. “No. Bunny. I said the stack of books you wanted to read. I did not tell you to pick one or two. Be a good boy and do what you’re told.”

By the time I was done, I had put together a serious collection of books. Most of them were picture books about dragons and knights, but there were YA books in there too. Big me understood dragons were a significant part of the Middle Ages’s folklore because they'd misinterpreted dinosaur fossils. In addition, their presence represented the constant struggle between good and evil. Little me thought dragons and knights were cool because who wouldn’t want to joust or breathe fire? After I told Daddy I found my books, he put them all in a basket and asked an employee to put the books at the register. Daddy said he could afford this shopping trip, but I wasn’t used to spending money without considering the impact on my bills.

“Daddy,“ I whispered to him, “it’s so many books. Are you sure? I don’t need this many, and I shouldn’t have put so many in the pile.” Earlier, he didn’t get upset when I questioned him, but this time he got stern.

“Bunny, I’ve told you it’s fine, and you said okay. There is a time and place to address concerns, but squabbling about books isn't it. Not another word about the cost of books from you. Am I clear?” Daddy’s voice was calm and measured. He didn’t sound angry, but I understood I was not to bring up the cost of the toys, or books, again.

“Yes, Daddy.”

“And I’m telling you this now, so we don’t have to discuss it later. Not only will I handle this shopping trip, I will pay for everything when we are out. Every. Single. Time. It’s not up for negotiation.” His voice brooked no argument, so I didn’t botherto try. I nodded my head emphatically because I only wanted to be Daddy’s good boy.

Daddy’s firm stance with me pushed me completely out of my grown-up space and landed me firmly into little space. He offered me the opportunity to stay little, let my decisions be simple, and there was nothing else I wanted to do. I slipped my hand into his free one and asked if we could go upstairs. Daddy said yes, and we headed up the escalator. Those things, big or little, always scared me. After a few false starts, I finally caught a stair on the third try. Daddy laughed at me, but I tried to hide my giggles. I reminded him laughing at someone was rude, but my admonishment made him laugh more.

The upstairs was no less amazing than the lower floor. They devoted half of the space to clothes, although I doubted they had anything in my size, so we could skip there. The second half of the space had been split into zones. The first one was a craft section with flair pens, colored pencils, crayons, paint, and glitter. I thought all the different colors were so pretty and sparkly, but Daddy shuddered and said please no glitter. It was so hard to walk past them, but I did it because Daddy asked me to.

“Bunny, did you like coloring? They have lots to choose from.”

“Yes, Daddy, I do.” I felt shy, so I had my face in his jacket. They had the Mandela type like I kept in my desk drawer at work. They also had baby animals, jungle animals, all the trucks, circus stuff, and pretty much everything. I browsed through them and squealed when I found a coloring book of knights and princesses, and Daddy insisted I get it. He told me to keeplooking to see if I found anything else and I hollered when I found a coloring book of draft horses. Daddy said I had to get both of them. We picked out new crayons and color pencils too.

We strolled through the stuffy section last. It was overwhelming in the best ways. There was a stuffy for everyone here. Tiny toy dogs with bright pink noses and panda bears so enormous they were bigger than a child. They even had stuffed trains and trucks. They had more baby dolls, but these all had soft bodies. The stuffies went from pocket-sized to bigger than me, and I didn’t know where to look first. I kept feeling their ears and tracing along their paws, trying to find some way of picking one to fall in love with, but that was impossible. I wanted them all.

“Daddy, I don’t think I can choose. There is too much here and my brain is in overload.” Daddy only nodded, but I could tell he wasn’t upset with me. My inability had nothing to do with money and everything to do with too many choices.

“Tell you what, Bunny. I am going to take care of what we need to get and you'll wait for me at the front, okay?” I nodded yes and followed Daddy back through the store. He deposited me at the front, where there was a sitting area of plush velvet chairs, extra books, and a faux fireplace. It was like he’d left me in someone’s living room. I could get used to rich people's kink and toy stores.

A big part of me thought my behavior was crazy. Here I was sitting in a toy store because a man I call Daddy told me to sit in a chair, and I did it. I had given over all this control to him and floated down the river with him steering the ship. On paper, it doesn’t make sense. It felt like the most natural thing in theworld to let Daddy handle all the big thoughts. It wasn’t entirely clear to me why, but I trusted him completely.

Since I gave this plan a go, I felt more calm and settled. For a moment, I slowed my breathing and stilled myself to let my brain catch up with my emotions. There was no question I enjoyed being around Daddy, and I was fairly sure he liked me too. Why else would he hug and kiss me all the time? I liked it when he did.

I thought the little aspects of this would freak me out. They hadn't at all, with one exception. In fact, the more I experienced them, the more I realized maybe I had been a little all along and hadn’t known it. There was a moment in the infant section when I almost asked Daddy about diapers, but he didn’t seem interested in them. I wasn’t sure how to bring them up. What if he wasn’t into them? And if he wasn’t into them, and I was the one who brought them up, then he might not be interested in me either. That thought stopped me in my tracks. I wanted Daddy to like me as long as possible.

I was so preoccupied, that I hadn't realized Daddy finished checking out. In his hand was a canvas tote with the toy store’s name emblazoned on the side that was filled to the brim with my books. I resisted the urge to make gimme hands at it, so I sat on them instead. He also had a large craft bag with tissue paper poking out of the bag. The only other large purchases I remember were the blocks, and they were in the third bulging bag.

“Daddy, what’s in the fancy bag?” I resisted the urge to peek, and I was proud of myself.

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