Page 84 of Just A Little Fling

“Nonna, that is pretty fucking genius.”

“Your PopPop was a smart man, and he understood that people don’t always make decisions based on logic. What you need doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you.” The knowing look she gave me spoke volumes.

“I don’t think I’m that smart.”

“We’ll have to agree to disagree about that, but you need to work with what you’ve got.”

“What do I have?”

“A not-boyfriend with a good heart who couldn’t take his eyes off you.”

* * *

After lunch, Nonna and I spent a few hours wandering through her favorite garden store. Her apartment had a little balcony, and she liked to have plants covering it every spring. I inherited her black thumb, though, because her plants never stayed alive. So our family took turns replacing them every spring. PopPop could make anything grow. I’d buy a million more if it made her smile.

While Nonna wandered through the aisles looking at the options, I had plenty of time to trail behind her with the shopping cart and consider what was happening in my life. The inescapable truth was that I’d let myself get stuck—paralyzed by fear or maybe just uncertainty—and I hated that about myself. Babbo gave me all the freedom I asked for and never once pushed back or demanded answers I wasn’t ready to give. He didn’t try to steer me or shape me into something easier to understand. Instead, he just stood by me, steady and constant, while I tried to figure out who I was. Honestly, there wasn’t a single thing more I could’ve asked of him.

But I was at a loss on how this mess I’d made with Babbo could be fixed. When I freaked out, he let me walk away. Since I was being so fucking self-reflective today, even I knew it was the best thing to do. If he’d pushed the issue in the club, I would’ve shoved, not pushed, back on principle alone. As it was, I watched him leave while crying in the corner like a goddamn fool because that’s exactly what I was.

The new responsibilities Gabe had given me, along with the increased pay, had been useful distractions. The commercial client project was a brand-new ballgame compared to the projects I’d managed for Gabe’s friend. The botanical garden’s organizers expected me to be on top of everything, which I had always been, but this time felt different. My spreadsheets were color-coded gorgeousness. It killed me that I couldn’t show how pretty they were to the one person in my life I knew would appreciate them the most.

My brain was in such a jumble that I hardly knew whether I was coming or going anymore. The morning spankings from Babbo helped, but they hadn’t fixed the underlying issue because what I needed was an escape. What I wouldn’t give myself was the escape, and I didn’t know where that left me except confused and alone in the backyard of the only man I’d ever imagined myself with. A man I still wanted to be with even though I was the one who walked away. The explanation for it was visceral panic at the prospect of happiness. And that made me feel even shittier about the whole thing.

So what the hell was I supposed to do?

Nonna’s advice at lunch was to use what I had available, and what I had available were four boys, well, okay, three boys and Anders. They said they wanted to be my friends and not just people to hang out with when we ran into each other at the club. Fingers crossed, they were serious about it. Step one was being more open.

Nico

Hey, anyone up to grab a bite?

Owen

Did someone say food?

Anders

Yes, if it’s on Saturday. And lunch.

Rory

Oh yeah.

Nico

In my head, you sound like the Kool-Aid man

Rory

In my head, I am the Kool-Aid man.

Owen

Everything okay, Anders?

Anders

Yeah, just work stuff, and it’ll be fine.

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