Page 35 of Every Heartbeat After

“Nothing more than a sample.” I press my lips together, considering my next words carefully. “After my marriage ended the way it did, I decided casual was the way I’d keep things. That way no one feels let down. No one gets hurt.”

The way I figure it, if you don’t try to be someone’s whole world, you can’t be disappointed when you find out you aren’t. A sad truth, but a necessary one.

The corners of her mouth dip. She’s wearing some kind of gloss that makes them so enticing, so full that I can’t bear to look away as she speaks. “You afraid of feeling tied down?”

“It’s not me I’m worried about.”

One of the dolphins does an impressive flip, head over tail, that has a nearby family cheering. Drawn by the enthusiasm, a few more clusters of people press into the room. What was once a foot of space between Tess and me becomes mere inches. I can smell the sunscreen on her skin. The sweetness that is so distinctly her. I draw in a deep breath and try to stow it away for safekeeping.

“That’s sad,” she whispers. “If more is what you want, then you should go for it.”

Much as I wish it were so, I know she’s not inviting me on her behalf. So I change the subject. “What about you? Any failed relationships you want to divulge?”

She sighs, letting her shoulders go limp. “First of all, I don’t believe in giving relationships a pass-or-fail rating. I consider them all a lesson learned, if nothing else. Same with your divorce. Hopefully you learned something, even if it was just what you don’t want in a future partner.

“But no, not much to report on that front. I get antsy if I stay still too long. It’s hard to maintain anything steady. I think my longest relationship lasted about a year. Her name was Samantha. She wanted to settle down, and I wanted to keep running. So we ended things.”

Panic clamps down on my gut. I’m re-running the kiss we shared all those months ago for the millionth time, but now through a different lens. Did I misread her signals? Push for something she didn’t really want?

“Go ahead and ask whatever question you’re chewing on over there.”

“So…bisexual?” I say hopefully.

She shrugs. “I’ve never felt the need to label it. I love who I love.” She points to the show being put on. “I could probably date a dolphin if it were respectful and liked the same things as me.”

“Ah, sothat’swhat you were doing in the ocean yesterday. Looking for a date.”

Her laughter cuts the tie binding my nerves so tightly. The blood returns to my organs in a rush that leaves my head spinning. The crowd slowly begins to dissipate, but we don’t move apart. If anything, we’re closer than ever.

“To be clear, I wasn’t asking because it bothers me or anything. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t barking up the wrong tree.”

“Oh, you definitely are,” she says, expression suddenly morose. “For reasons that have nothing to do with my sexuality.”

I kick the toe of her Birkenstock, and she kicks me right back.

I like this openness between us. And I’d like to keep it going for as long as I can, so I stoke the flame, hoping it’ll burn.

“How was that? Growing up in a small town and all.”

“Not great. But not as bad as it is for some.” She takes another sip, this time hitting bottom. A harsh gurgle of liquid sucked through ice interrupts the hushed conversations around us. A few heads snap in our direction. Tess releases the straw on her coffee, does that frown/shrug thing one must when they know they messed up, and mutters, “Sorry.”

The passersby return to their own pods of discussion, the interruption already forgotten. Tess’s wide gaze meets mine, and she mouths,Can we get out of here?

I nod. She tosses her empty coffee cup into a nearby trash can and reaches for my hand. “Come on, I’ll show you my favorite part.”

She does it so naturally that I almost feel stupid for forgetting to breathe. I’m not entirely convinced she didn’t knock her head so hard she’s forgotten why she’s mad at me. It barely took any convincing to coax her to join me today. I’d question it further, but I’m so desperate for it to last that I don’t want to rock the boat. If she’s happy with me for now, then I want to exist in this moment for as long as she’ll let me.

She pulls me into a space that’s long and narrow, with glass walls curving into a ceiling that creates more of a tunnel than a room. All around us, fish weave in and out of artificial coral reefs. Up ahead, a shadow moves eerily across the gray carpet. When I glance up, I’m met with the belly of a shark.

“Holy shit.”

“Right?” Her grin is infectious. All straight white teeth and almost-dimples. She releases my hand to step closer to the glass. “My parents brought me here every summer growing up. The sharks were always my favorite.”

Thank you, Mara.“Of course they were.” Beautiful yet untouchable. That’s Tess all right.

It’s brighter here. I can see the column of her throat working as she gazes up at the sharks passing overhead, their movements reflected in her glossy eyes. “To answer your question, I’m sure people in town blamed the whole dating-women thing on the trauma I went through or some shit like that. Anything but it just being who I am. Luckily I got very good at blocking them out early on, when I couldn’t escape the questions about my parents dying. I often felt more like some juicy tabloid feature in the local newspaper instead of a real, grieving person.”

Anger ripples through me, but with nowhere to send it, I trap it in closed fists that I shove into my pockets. I want so badly to fix it for Tess, even if it’s something that can never truly be repaired. The only thing I can do is be here now. Listen, if she’ll let me.

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