Page 55 of Every Heartbeat After

“Stay with me.”

His mouth clamps shut with an audible click. We both wince at the sound. The truth is, I can’t eat right now anyway. The bottom has dropped out of my stomach. I can’t think about food, or a shower, or anything else besides what Ishoulddo and what Iwantto do, and how those two things never seem to overlap. Especially not now, when the thing I want most is to not be alone. One glance at Kit’s rain-mussed hair, and suddenly the sensation of his muscular arms encircling me while I fell apart after the accident reappears like a phantom limb.

He may be a bad idea, but I’m tired of pretending like I’m known for making excellent choices.

His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “You got soaked out there. You probably need a shower. I know I do. I can come by after…”

“Shower with me.” I don’t know whose voice that is. So sure of itself. So quietly desperate. A shudder runs through Kit, then finds its way to me. Soon I’m outright shivering. The cranked-up AC in the room hits my clammy skin, pimpling it with goose bumps. I mindlessly rub at my forearms, unable to look away from Kit’s wild, tortoiseshell gaze.

He shakes his head slowly, disbelief pulling his jaw taut. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do, though.” I chance a step forward, knowing very well that if my legs give out, he’ll catch me. “I don’t know what it means, or how much it will change things between us. But I do know that you’re the only person in the world who makes me feel even a little less alone. So please don’t make me beg, Kit.”

Every hollow in his angular face is painted in shadow. His back is to the sliding glass door that leads to the balcony. Orange afternoon light gilds him at the edges, making him look more like a dream than a man. And hasn’t he always been, at least a little bit? Exactly what I needed, even when I didn’t have the words to give the request shape. Someone only my subconscious could’ve contrived, all while I wasn’t paying attention.

He swipes a hand through the mess of his hair, his forearm flexing as he tightens a fistful in his grasp. “Okay.” His voice cracks, splitting the word in two. “If you’re sure.”

I’m tired of speaking. Words feel so heavy right now, so cumbersome. Instead I tug my shirt over my head and let it fall to the floor. Let that be my answer. My shorts follow after, and when I’m standing in front of Kit with nothing but a pair of underwear and my bralette to cover me, he jolts into action, yanking his own T-shirt off in one smooth motion.

“I’ll get the water warmed up,” he says. I’m standing between him and the bathroom, though, so his escape brings him right past me. Our skin brushes, and I’ve never been more aware of every nerve ending in my body. Of how they burst and fizz when they make contact with him. Somewhere behind me, the glass shower door slides open. Seconds later a faucet shrieks to life.

I get to work unclasping my bralette. Shucking my underwear. Kit’s back is to me when I step through the bathroom doorway. Steam billows from the shower, coating my skin in warmth, but even so, I shiver when he turns.

“Tess.” My name comes out as a low rumble. A warning, almost. Even with shorts on, I can see how much the sight of me affects him. His thick length strains against his zipper, and I have to force myself not to reach forward and free it.

Desire pools low in my belly. An ache builds between my thighs, pulsing with need. I have to drag my eyes back to his, heavy-lidded with lust. “Aren’t you going to undress?”

He shakes his head. “You know, it’s really difficult to be your friend when you look like that.”

My nipples pebble at his praise, aching with the need to be touched. And it is praise, of that I have no doubt. I can’t quite put a name to the look in his dark gaze, but gun to my head, I’d call it worship.

“I don’t want to be your friend, Kit.” As soon as the words are out, my chest inflates with relief. I hadn’t even realized how much the lie was weighing me down. Hadn’t admitted to myself it was a lie in the first place. But of course it was. How could someone feel the way I do when he is near and mistake it for anything so mundane as a friendship?

I draw in a steam-soaked breath. “I have tried so hard to convince myself I don’t want you, and that only makes you harder to resist. I’m tired of fighting it.” I shrug, letting my hands slap my thighs in exasperation. “I give up.”

A single brow lifts. “What are you saying?”

“I have no clue,” I say, laughing harshly. “I don’t know what this feeling is, or where this could even possibly go. All I know is that it’s what I’ve wanted since the very first time I saw you.” My chest is on fire, scalding me from the inside out. I swallow hard. “Isn’t that enough?”

He smiles like it’s the most painful thing in the world. “Yeah, Tess. It’s enough.” Then he holds out his hand.

I take it. Let him guide me into the onslaught of steaming water. He quickly strips, then joins me beneath the downpour. His body is perfection. Studying him is like tracing my fingers over a topographical map. The line carved from his sternum to his navel is a river I want to float down. The ridge of his hip bone, a precipice I want to lounge upon. A valley of muscle draws my gaze downward, and I swallow thickly at the sight of his length, so hard for me already.

“Uncircumcised,” I note, sounding so unlike myself. “Nice.”

Laughter rattles the cage of his ribs. His shoulders dance, and he throws his head back into the flow of water, mouth wide open and gasping. “I can’t believe that was your opener.”

I flush crimson, embarrassment licking all the way from between my breasts up to my temples. “Sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

His lips seal in a wry grin, and he reaches for me, capturing my hand and tugging me close. Our bodies meet, his cock pressing into the softest part of my abdomen. Dark chest hair scrapes my breasts, making my nipples ache. He presses a kiss to my forehead, husky laughter brushing my skin. “It’s fine. It was cute.”

“I can’t believe we’re touching. Naked.”

“I know. You thinkyou’vewanted this since we first met. You have no idea how often I’ve imagined this exact scenario. You know, minus the circumcision comment.”

“It just surprised me, that’s all!” I try to pull back to face him, but he squeezes me tighter, shaking with laughter once more. Over the spray of water, I can hear the rasp of it in his lungs. The sound melts my core until it’s molten and full of yearning. After a second he relaxes his grasp, and I lean back to meet his heavy-lidded gaze with one of my own. “When you thought about it before, did you touch yourself?”

His expression hardens. I can tell he’s chewing at the inside of his lip, probably gauging how much is too much to tell me. “Tess, if I told you how often you were the reason I had to fuck my hand these past ten months, you’d probably want a restraining order.”

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