Page 68 of Every Heartbeat After

Her eyes, glassy with unshed tears, roll from that distant point to me. “I believe they’re called gelato bars in Italy.”

I hum an acknowledgment. She snorts gruffly and shakes her head.

“I know it seems stupid. I’ve stayed in the same small town for my whole life. Sure, I’ve visited places and had a million and a half odd jobs, but I’ve had what most of the world would consider strong roots. They don’t feel like they belong to me, though. They’re just a continuation of what my parents left behind. But they feel poisoned, in a way. Tainted by everything.” A line forms between her brows, and her bottom lip wobbles. “The problem is, I don’t know how to have a life they wouldn’t recognize.”

I rest my hand on her knee, feeling the rough linen fabric of her pants scratch my palm as I squeeze. “Tess, they’d recognize any life you choose to have.”

She blinks hard, pushing a tear over the brim of her eyelashes. “How?”

I brush it away. First with my knuckle, then with my lips. Finally, I press a kiss to her temple. “Because you’ll be in it.”

She releases a shuddering breath, like I just confirmed something she never once believed could be true. There’s so much pain in the sound, so much unspent grief. I want to shoulder it however I can, if only to ease a little of the weight she carries.

It hits me then with the impact of a two-ton semi: I want to be the one she tells everything. The one she admits these fears to, shares her joys with. For the first time in years, I’m picturing my own roots and wishing they could be intertwined with hers. I want more than the next few days or a handful of stolen moments when she visits Loveless. I want all of it. And the most terrifying part about it is that it doesn’t terrify me at all. It feels easy as breathing to want this. To want her. Like I’ve been waiting for it my entire life. And I can’t bear for her not to know it. To not at least try.

“Tess, when this trip is over… When we go home…”

Her gaze darts to mine, momentarily stealing my words. I wet my lips and try again. “What we have?—”

“Kit,” she inserts, jolting a hand up like she can physically stop the words.

Just then, my cell starts ringing in my pocket. I grimace, but after everything with my family this week, I can’t risk not at least glancing at it. “One sec.”

I swear she sighs in relief, which is not a good sign. The number is from a Mississippi area code, but I don’t recognize it, so I let it go to voicemail. Whoever it is can leave a message if it’s so important.

As soon as the thought passes through my mind, a text alert sounds.

Unknown Number

It’s me, bro. Had to get a new number. I need you to call me back. I am so fucked.

Anger vibrates my throat in a low grunt. Where I normally feel a knee-jerk desire to fix his problems, I find I want nothing more in this moment than to shut him out. Pretend that this, what I have with Tess, is my real life. None of the shit with my brother. I set him up with a lawyer. Paid his fucking bail. Whatever happens next should be on him and only him.

“Everything okay?” Tess asks, brow crumpled in concern.

It jolts me from my thoughts. Thoughts better left time to simmer down before I do something I regret. I shove the phone into my pocket. “Yes. Probably.” That doesn’t help her confusion. I brush it off with a wave and reach for her hand. “It’s not as important as what I was trying to say. Tess?—”

“Kit,” she says again, more firmly this time. “I didn’t tell you all that to get some kind of pity confession. Whatever you’re thinking of saying, please just don’t, okay? Not like this. I don’t want any of your feelings toward me to be because you feel bad for me or you think you could save me or something else equally pathetic. The whole reason I want to leave this current life behind is because I’m tired of people looking at me the way you are now. Like you’re seeing my past and what happened to me. Not actually seeingme.”

I want to argue. To explain that I’ve felt this for a long time, and I’m only just now admitting it to myself. But she’s right. She deserves better than some opportune confession. So I swallow my pride along with my words and force a smile in their place. There will be time later for me to tell her what I want, when we’re not sitting in the shadow of her freshly exposed grief.

“As you wish.” I kiss her temple. Then, when she tips her chin up toward me, I press another kiss against her lips, light as air, just enough to tide myself over until I can get her alone again. “Why don’t you take me to the stall your mom loved? Where you get your rings.”

A glint of mischief sparks in her eyes. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful. More welcome, after so much sadness saturated them moments ago.

“You going to start wearing jewelry?”

“Hey, I look great in silver,” I tease, pulling her to her feet along with me. For a moment I feel the phantom press of my dog tags against my sternum, though I gave up wearing the things a while ago. I never liked the attention they brought me, the questions. “But no. I was thinking I could pick up something for my mom.”

At that, her lips part in an earsplitting grin. “I think Betty would love that.”

Her obvious affection for Mom draws a grin from me, too. “I’m sure she would.”

We make our way to a stand at the far end of the walkway, where an elderly Black woman presides over an array of beautifully crafted pieces featuring every color stone you could imagine. I pick up a necklace decorated with tiny teardrops of jade. I’ve already got a feeling, but when Tess bites her bottom lip and nods with glittering eyes, I know I’ve found the one.

As she turns to talk with the daughter of the stall owner, I finish paying for the necklace. At the last minute I grab a small piece that catches my eye, tucking it into my pocket with a wink sent the owner’s way. She takes my discreetly passed wad of cash, then hugs me tightly like we’re old friends.

By the time we make it back to the Carmen, exhaustion has us slinking through the lobby at a snail’s pace. Without a second’s hesitation, Tess follows me into my room, where we shower and make lazy love on freshly pressed bedsheets. We fall asleep like that, clothed only in the afternoon sunlight drifting through a gap in the curtains, leaving all thoughts of what happens when this vacation ends tucked away in the shadows.

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