Page 75 of Every Heartbeat After

My throat constricts. His eyelids close tightly. We’re both making ourselves smaller in our own ways, vital organ by vital organ, until we’re back to our shrink-wrapped selves, protected from the kind of love that makes you consider if it’s worth changing your ways to keep it.

I try to reason that he’s in shock. In pain. That his confession is a knee-jerk reaction, one he’ll regret in the morning. But as I study the sharp ridges of his cheekbones and brow, the soft waves of his dark hair, tumultuous as an undulating ocean, I know in my soul that he meant it. Every single word. I’m sure one day I’ll be on my deathbed, thinking of the man who professed his love for me on his knees. I’ll scream at this younger version of myself who slipped her hands from beneath his and watched him break, if only beneath the surface, rather than open herself up to the possibility of getting hurt.

Without a word, Kit rises to his feet, every exposed muscle rippling, then shrugs into his shirt. His broad, callused hand sweeps under my jaw, thumb testing my bottom lip. Resignation settles into his expression. Then he releases me, and I feel the loss right down to my toes.

He stops in the doorway to my bedroom and glances back. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s over between us. Not yet.” A small, sad smile. “It probably never will be.”

Then he turns on the living room light as he goes, so I won’t be left alone in the dark.

ChapterThirty

Kit

Steppingout of Tess’s room is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it’s also necessary.

When I make it back to my room, I realize the second hardest thing will be cleaning up this mess. I pull up Gage’s last message to me and dial the unfamiliar number. It rings endlessly until finally succumbing to a robotic voice that informs me the voicemail box has not been set up yet. I drop onto the bed, completely boneless, and type out as succinct a text as I can manage.

Me

Mom and Dad know about everything, including the accident. You need to turn yourself in.

Me

Please answer me.

The second message slips out before I realize I’ve even typed it. That familiar desperation to fix things for him, always leaking through. But old habits die hard, so I dial him once more. This time it goes straight to the nonexistent voicemail.

So he’s ignoring me. And I’m ignoring my feelings by focusing on tasks that mean shit all in the end. Guess neither of us has really changed.

It’s late, even in Mountain Time. But to my surprise, Tomas picks up on the second ring.

“Is this the call where you tell me you’re actually eloping on a beach tomorrow and I need to get my ass on a plane?”

What’s supposed to be a laugh comes out as more of a haggard cough. “Not exactly.” I sound wrung out, even to myself, my voice as raw as a pubescent boy’s. “But I will be missing my flight on Monday.”

Thank God I booked refundable tickets, in case I misjudged Tess’s arrival time completely.

There’s shuffling, followed by the click of a light switch. “Indefinitely or just for now?” The jovial tone is gone from my boss’s inflection. Now he’s all business.

“A couple days. I should be back by the weekend.” My gaze roves the ceiling, searching for shapes in the shadows. A distraction. Anything.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this, and I doubt my presence will make one iota of difference, but I’ve run from this confrontation long enough. I need to look my parents in the eye and say I’m sorry. Own up for all the ways I’ve let them down. Just the thought of my dad’s heartbroken voice on the phone is enough to collapse my lungs under the weight of the guilt.

“Everything okay?” Tomas asks.

I rack my brain for the answer to that question. Is everything okay? No, absolutely not. My brother has gone AWOL, I’ve finally and thoroughly scared Tess off, and I’ve failed the two people in the world who mean the most to me. It all feels so overwhelming and large, and I don’t know how to play the cocky bastard against an enemy when I’m this outmatched.

But I also don’t want to worry Tomas any more than I already have, so I say, “It will be,” without a hint of conviction.

He curses under his breath. “Anyone ever told you you’re a cagey son of a bitch?”

It reminds me of Tess’s question the night I told her I’d wait till she asked me to kiss her.Has anyone ever told you you’re the worst?Despite the pain still radiating behind my sternum, I smile. “Not in so many words, exactly.”

His responding harrumph is about as masculine as my dejected sigh.

“All I want to know is if I’m going to have to hold that old man back from coming down there to kick your ass.”

That earns a genuine laugh. One that ends with me biting down hard on the inside of my cheek and blinking away my suddenly blurry vision. “It’s family stuff, Boss. Tell him his niece is just fine.” At least I hope she will be. Eventually.

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