Page 3 of King of Clubs

Suzie was sitting in her regular seat, a potted Areca Palm on either side complementing the natural decor of the waiting room.

“Marlee, how are you today?” She asked, standing and pointing to the double lounge opposite where I always sat.

“Can’t complain. How are you?” I’d been seeing Suzie weekly for the past six months and at this point, she was one of the three people I actually conversed with regularly.

“I’m doing well. Is it still cold outside?” The heater was on in her office and she was also wearing a light scarf – the woman felt the cold more than most.

“Not too bad honestly, but tomorrow is supposed to be freezing.”

“Bring on Summer,” she smiled warmly. “So, tell me, in one word how has your week been?”

We started each session the same way and I found the consistency comforting. It meant I had to come at least a little prepared and in the beginning, it was a task I could complete. Something I could easily achieve from myTo Dolist when even the most basic of things seemed to take all of my energy. And while the first few weeks were all shrouded in negative descriptors, six months later it was nearly always positive.

“Unremarkable.”

“Ooooh, good word,” she smiled, adding it to the long list she had compiled. “Tell me what you mean by that.” This was the hard part. Everything required explanation. Detail. Elaboration.

“Unexceptional,” I tried with a small laugh.

“No synonyms, Marlee,” she admonished kindly.

“Fineeeee. You know me too well by now,” I laughed softly. “It was ordinary, but in a nice way. I didn’t actually do a lot. I've been contemplating calling the Neighbourhood Centre. Asking for my old job back.”

“That’s a brilliant idea. You enjoyed it there didn’t you?” She prodded.

“I loved working there,” I said and like a toy which once wound wouldn’t stop, I recounted details of my week and memories from when I used to work, the thoughts tumbling out as I processed my own mindset aloud. “I only left the Centre because Lucas wanted me home all the time. But that place was somewhere I felt I belonged and I was devastated to leave so I’m hoping they will have me back.”

“They would be lucky to have you and from what you’ve said, they will be really happy to hear from you.”

I agreed with a nod before explaining the things I missed and what I was most looking forward to if I was able to return. Once I paused for a sip of water she took the opportunity to pivot the conversation, asking about my panic attacks.

They’d started long before I ever garnered the courage to leave my abusive ex but they’d recently become manageable and something I was generally able to identify and squash with many techniques I’d learnt on this very lounge.

“None for the past month,” the pride was evident in my voice although I scratched at the fabric of the cushion as thinking about the debilitating episodes still made me uneasy.

“That’s fantastic.”

“I’m nailing this therapeutic recovery, aren’t I?” I joked and Suzie glanced at me before pushing her greying fringe back and placing her glasses on her head.

“Marlee, remember our goal for last week?” She asked and I bit the inside of my cheek so I didn’t roll my eyes.

“Sadly, yes. No quantifying or making tasks a competition. God, you have the memory of an elephant.”

“Correct,” she confirmed but I could tell she was suppressing a laugh of her own. She would allow me to use humour once or twice and then pause, staring at me through her clear framed glasses before gut-punching me with accusations of using sarcasm as an avoidance tactic.

“But I’m a terrible loser,” I whined jokingly.

She smiled as she glanced at the clock, her cue for me to finish up, ask anything pertinent or simply sit in the space silently, however, today, she leant forward placing her glasses on her notepad.

“When you leave here today, I would like you to speak to CJ at the front desk and have her schedule your next appointment for one month’s time.”

I froze. My hands glued to the side of the lounge waiting to push me to stand, only her words gave me pause.

“A month? But I come every Tuesday,” just like I had since I started seeing her.

“You don’t need to see me every week anymore. You’re most welcome to, but you’re doing so well. I really believe you will be able to stretch your time here to monthly. Obviously, I’m always available for emergency appointments or you can keep them weekly – that is up to you. But I do think you’re ready for the next phase of recovery.”

My eyes darted around the room from the plants to the white candles sitting on the desk next to her computer. The framed certifications showcasing Suzie was a qualified psychologist. A reassuringly safe space where I’d spent many hours with emotions ebbing and flowing like waves. Sometimes accompanied with an hour of tears, sometimes quietude and others laughter – but always supported.

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